Concerned: Longest and deepest depression of my life

Hello all. I am reaching out to hear your stories of recovery from the deepest and darkest of depressive episodes. I have had extreme anxiety (impending doom both real and imagined) and now I can barely get out of bed. I have ZERO energy or motivation. I lost myself. I moved further and further away in proximity but over the years with disabilities and interpersonal isolation, I fear I am a stranger even to myself now and I hate it.

Since this is the longest and deepest depression I have even had and I am not responding well to different medications, please share any words of encouragement, your success stories, your ongoing journey and of course any coping skills that have helped you. I live alone with 3 pets. I have limited income and no support network.

Thank you.

Thank you, Margie. Your story sounds a lot like mine and I'm so sorry you are still going through one. I honestly think the pdocs "want" to help but are really just guessing. I did research on the best vitamins, mineral and Amino Acids so I am going to try that.

The single most disturbing part of my depression is never feeling like my brain has been turned on. It's always staring at a pile of stuff that needs to be done and saying "maybe tomorrow I will be able to do that.

Hugs, Kelly

I will try to give the abbreviated version of my experience.

I had stopped using the depressant, alcohol, for about 5 months. My divorce was finalized and then 2 days later, my mother (who we lived with) died and the house was to be sold. Grief plunged me into the deepest depression of my life! I asked one of my sober friends to stay with me and after a few weeks of me not getting off the couch, my friend (bi-polar) looked at me one day and said, "You're scaring me...go see a doctor!"

I did. I was put on Paxil which helped clear my head enough to function better. After a couple of months, I started to experience bad side effects and had to come off the meds.

A few years and several injuries and surgeries later, I had to go back on anti-depressants. This time we tried Cymbalta which also helped for a couple of months before more side effects.

Through this all I have used a simple 'technique' that rarely fails me. Get a kitchen timer that ticks. Set it for 15 minutes. Lay in the bed and listen to the ticking. Cry, scream into the pillow, whatever. Feel what you're feeling and realize it's NOT killing you after all. Breathe. When the timer goes off, get up! Wash your face. Wash the dishes in the sink, sweep the floor, start some laundry (pick one). When finished with the chore, reset the timer if needed. Repeat throughout the day. In this way, I keep my depression from ruling the whole day. I keep my chores from becomming overwhelming.

I pick out music that has a quick beat and happy memories associated with it and blast it. Sing along, dance a little. Exercise gets the endorphins going.

I eat a bit of dark chocolate every day as it has mood elevating properties in it. The purer and darker, the better. Do a bit of research as to it's origin though. Some bad chemicals may have leached into the cocoa plants and if you're sensitive to them it may backfire.

I tend to look at whatever anxious thoughts I'm having and 'think it through' the 'worst case scenario. For instance, when my son was in Iraq I couldn't help have 'doom' thoughts. So, I mentally planned his funeral. I know it sounds macabre but, it was cathartic for me. The reality was, after all, that I might have had to actually do this. Happy to say he came home, safe if not 'sound'. Now, I can help him with his p.t.s.d.

I hope some of this is helpful to you as I know how deep the black hole can go. Keep posting. It helps.

Are you feeling any better Kellyinca?

Did you get a timer yet?

Pitmom, I have not purchased a ticking timer yet but it's on my list.

Pitmom and Karen, I try to get up after each episode of the sit com I am binge watching now (no triggers) "How I met your Mother" to do a little bit. I feel out of control inside and when I feel that way I want to control my external environment. Generally speaking, I am clinically depressed and I'm going to post soon about the Meds roller coaster I am on, for advice, because I'm pretty much frozen in fear of taking so many meds and wonder what my poor brain and Central Nervous System is going through while on this roller coaster. I can't take narcotics for pain (I will just vomit) but I am also extremely likely to get many of the horrible "side effects" of drugs. As you know, I got the rare but painful (and potentially fatal) Lamictal rash. I've had no luck with new meds. I just seem to suffer the side effects.

Hi Kellyincali.. I can relate to most of how you are feeling, although I have my husband around. I still feel very lonely. We also moved from living close to family and friends to having no one around. I really don't have friends either. What few friends I did have are distant now that I've become depressed, and have the anxiety. I feel like they think I am crazy. I am worried about the future as well. I don't feel like I can work like I used to. I don't want to get out of bed. I hate taking meds, and at this point I will not be able to see a Dr again because we can not afford it. I also cannot see a happy future.
I wish I could offer some good advice. I actually joined here so I could see and hopefully learn from others how to cope. I do think it helps to get your feelings out, and see others replying with good thoughts, and well wishes, along with lots of good advice from experience. I've tried meditation, deep breathing, exercise, and mantra's. They just don't seem to work for me although I have never been consistent.
I hope you keep posting here. I am hoping this is temporary, and will get better with time. I wish we lived closer, we could help each other get up and out to do things.
Hope your day is good.. Margie

Karen, thanks for the advice. I really did take your message to heart. I have been practicing mindfulness. It is still a struggle, but I do feel like I am making some progress. One day at a time, right?

Kellyincali, I hope you are doing well. I didn't mean to take over your post. I just really didn't know what to say in making a post of my own. I guess I feel more comfortable writing about myself once someone else starts the convo. Hopefully Karen's advice can help you as well. I am going to go read the daily thread when I'm done here. Maybe it's something I can get into as well.
Take Care.. Marqi