my Christmas wish list...

I rather liked you list, except for number 5. However, a christmas wish lists implies that something is given to you. That works for the PC and IPod. However, getting the stereo fixed and having a life are things that you have to do.

I'm thinking that your idea is good, but the new year is a time of resolutions (soon to be broken of course), but it seems like a good time to try making resolutions for the small changes I talk about (baby steps, one foot in front of the other--and similar things others talk about). So, even though my life is pretty much what I want, I still have things I can improve through small changes.

Here's mine: I just got a pup and of course I have to let her out each morning. Since I go long periods between getting fresh air and exercise, I'm going to TAKE her out and increase the TIME outside (fresh air) and my own ACTIVITY level (exercise) each day--even when it's so cold or hot that I would rather be inside.

bev

Been there done that. I used to wish for death. Not any more. Now it's like I want to live as long as possible. The reason is so that I can get more of the good things in life that I didn't get for so many years. And it works. Good things happen to me a lot now.

I always have a story for everything.

When I worked for the Navy, one of the nicest young men that I ever met in my entire life got stationed at our command. He was extremely popular with officers, enlisted, and civilian workers. He was just so nice and well put together, especially for being so young, we marveled at him. This boy was color-blind and geek- dork- dummy- and whatever else-blind. He stood up for the people who were having a difficult time and made sure they were included in activities and treated fairly. Though he was young, he was papa and teacher to many.

Just before he transferred, I asked where that kindness came from. He said the Columbine cafeteria. He was best friends with and standing next to the football player who was killed. He said he hadn't picked on the boys who did the shooting, but he hadn't helped them either. He was forever changed by that day and swore a lifetime commitment to helping others who were hurting and being hurt. That day he came to understand the pain that so many other people ignor and turn away from.

Sounds like a nice guy, huh? He really is. People like you and me who have suffered, become like him when we get better. We are kinder, more considerate, more aware--not of ourselves--but of those we can help. We take action where others won't. We become admired for our humanity. We get the good.

So don't fear your thoughts of death, but of course don't act on them. They come at the bottom of a pit and when trapped, it's natural to want to escape. But death won't wipe away those years of pain. Living well does. The climb out of that pit isn't easy--I won't lie about that--but the rewards are so great that one good year wipes away 3 painful years. (I was told that and it proved out in my case.) You said 17 years--that means that with less than 6 years of work (and much improvement in half that time), you could have a wonderful rest of your life. It can become a life so wonderful that right now you can't even imagine--at least I couldn't.

Think about making your New Year's resolution to make small changes and kickstart living better.

bev

This could also be the year you begin a climb out of the pit. You will find that just as scary and almost exactly the same thing as leaving the people you love.

Think of it this way: The people you love know the you, which you chose to show them. But there is another you, a better, happier, wiser you that you can also show them AND that will be like the death of the old you, and birth of the new you. You will be different and they will be different. That causes adjustments.

If on the other hand you continue to fear what the year might bring and allow yourself to continue in misery, there will also be adjustments for you family. The saddest on is that suicides run in families, and you could be showing the very people you love and who love you that it's "OK" in your family.

I know what you mean about your world getting smaller. My American Indian friend described the way she saw me then, "You have a little black cloud hanging over you all the time." I felt like it was a huge black cloud, she said, "No, just a little one--only over you." I got peace from that. I hope you can too.

Live. Learn to live well. It's worth it.

You need to see a counselor and perhaps go on meds. You are lucky, because today the helping people have better means than they did 30 years ago when I went through Dante's hell. You will feel and think better, if you get some local help--people you can turn to.

bev