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beside myself....first time since last time.....2008-9

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Posted 5/26/2019 1:11 AM (GMT 0)
I haven't been here in a very long time but need to talk to someone....anyone....I am bipolar and suffer major depression. Stopped bipolar meds 2+ yrs ago but still on anti-D's. Last 2 days have been real hard. my youngest Son is with me now - 27 yrs Asperger's/Autism - and drinking too much. Huffing ether as well although I stepped down hard and stopped that.

I work 12 hr shifts as a Mainframe Analyst for our provincial government and due to cut-backs, have been working an additional 12-36 hrs per month since last Dec. The stress of my job can often seem overwhelming but after 35 yrs I am strong in my position and always confident in my decisions. But I fear am burning out. I took a week in the bush recently and it was wonderful but it took me 5 days just to unwind and get the world out of my mind.

When I returned I had 2 days to get ready for 7 shifts straight. I am now 3 days into this shift and that last 2 nights I've just cried and cried til everything hurts. I feel I have been such a failure as a Father - there is considerable history behind this statement - but I DO know I did the best I could with what I had. I hate this crap of desperately trying to hold it together til ya get home. I have had 2 'breakdowns' since '96 and I know the feeling of it's coming. Tourette's sufferers will know what I mean. If I can make it thru the next 4 shifts, I have 4 days off and am sure I can use my tool kit to dig outa this rut.

I really needed to vent Folks - thanks to all who took the time to read me rant. I may only cry once more tonight....maybe not at all.

I have never made a long-term commitment to this site but to those who have - Thank You so Very Much! I know the time and emotion that goes into this type of endeavour and if it weren't for you Folks I'd be in a much uglier place.

Brian
Posted 5/26/2019 1:39 AM (GMT 0)
Hey mate. You have done and are doing ya best. Your self care is paramount. The turtle sends ya strength. Are there any community supports out there to help you and your son? Big brother program?
Keep posting for support. HT
Posted 5/26/2019 2:09 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Brother, I needed someone to answer. I'm takin him to AA next week. I've been thru this fekkin ringer before - just hate it. I gotta feelin a lot of this is has been buildin up and I'm just finally lettin go.At 59 I have no compunctions about cryin but ya still hold it, y'know. BS spartan male upbringing. Anyhow, I know I gotta tend to ME. Ain't no one else gonna.

Brian

p.s. funny how yer language can change when yer honest
Posted 5/26/2019 6:55 AM (GMT 0)
Yep. Let it out. My go to is tunes and associated metallic screaming! Yep metal head. Spiked shell!! Stuff the spartan code...you need to let it out mate. Pop in later. HT.
Posted 5/26/2019 11:39 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Brian,

So sorry for what you are going through. I am glad you are taking your son to AA. That should help. Huffing is no good for the brain. I am glad you put a stop to him doing that.

I hope you can hang in there. Keep posting as it helps. Know we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 5/26/2019 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen and HT. I like the idea of metal....listened to Bobaflex today.....it does help. And yeah...stuff the spartan crape. Half way thru today's shift and alone all day is helping. Work is a good distraction but being alone I can zip out fer a weep if I need or even scream right at my desk. Just gotta keep from slammin the keyboard...LOL.

What makes this situation the worst is having no one to talk to. That's why I'm here - this site has helped me before. Funny how just getting crap out can make things seem so ... insignificant. I stepped outside a while ago into a gorgeously sunny day and let the breeze blow away last night's cobwebs. At least over the years I've recognised that all sorrows ease or pass. I try to explain this to my Son but at his age (27) they only see what's behind them....not the light of the new day.

Well, back to work and thanks again Folks. I will be back....

Brian
Posted 5/26/2019 11:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi BrianJ (bne),

It sounds like you are feeling a bit better. I am glad.

Sometimes being right in the middle of situation makes it hard to see the light. But if we keep pushing forward we eventually see it. Often the light of a fresh new day makes things seem easier. I know it is hard and for your son too. He doesn't have the years of experience you have. But he will get there.

It is difficult if you don't have anyone to talk to. I can't seem to tell people my problems though in person but I can sort of talk here. And yes, just getting it down or getting it out helps. I find writing things down helps me find perspective of a situation. I just worry somebody will read it. But sharing here, people seem to understand.

I hope you have a good rest of the weekend and a Happy Memorial Day.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 5/29/2019 4:53 AM (GMT 0)
Karen,

thanks. Things are better. I've been trying so hard to stay on an even keel for my Son that I hadn't allowed myself to feel and acknowledge my low swing. Being Bipolar, I see it when it starts and can nearly always work through it - which means letting myself 'break down' and cry. I'm sure many here know the kind of cry I speak of - the entire body-wracking sobs that leave you completely drained. It almost always works, along with getting moving and fresh air.

So I figure that's what was at the root of it all - although my Son's issues certainly exacerbated it. Anyhow, now on my 6th shift of 7 (nights now) and doin alright. It's his birthday this weekend so we're goin to his Mom's and I'll have a chance to catch up with my older Son. Looking forward to it!

Thanks Again!

Brian
Posted 5/29/2019 9:09 AM (GMT 0)
Brian, I can so relate! My daughter od'd in her bedroom and was revived with 2 doses of Narcan. My brain knows I'm not a failure but those thoughts just don't stop coming!

You said you were taking your son to AA...but what about YOU? Have you considered Al-Anon? I know your schedule doesn't leave much room but if you can get to a couple of meetings, get phone numbers and some literature...I think it would really help.
Posted 5/29/2019 11:49 AM (GMT 0)
Yes Brian,

We have to take care of ourselves through everything else. I am glad you are feeling better. I am glad you will get to see your other son too. I hope it all goes well.

You are going through a lot, but you are keeping your head above water and that is great.

Let us know how it goes with your sons and their mother.

Have a great day...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 5/29/2019 8:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Brian
Just wanted to check in and welcome you.

Wish you the best with your son. You have gotten the best from the best!

No guilt trips now, when GT rises, challenge it with the knowledge that your son, has free choice. find good in fact that he is reaching out for help.

And from where I stand your are a good example of a father. Non of us are perfect, do best we can with what we have at the time.

Breathe through it, slow and easy, you will make it. We are here for you.

PEACE AND STRENGTH
Trina
Posted 5/29/2019 11:17 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you All very much. I have been thru a couple of 12 step programs myself so have many tools and experience to draw on. I know I am too hard on myself sometimes but when it's yer kid at issue, you can't help feeling somehow responsible - regardless of their age. That said, I won't take on what's not mine. I was once the 'people pleaser'....the 'rescuer' and that just wears you down, keeping you from seeing what you yourself need. That is not me anymore.

Thankfully, my Ex and I have always agreed to raise our kids together and in love so I am not alone in this struggle. I am looking forward to this weekend - especially to see my eldest. He and his brother had a very serious physical confrontation a year back so don't talk but they each know that I will not choose one over the other and maintain a relationship with both of them. They also know that if they can't accept that, they can take a hike. As I said, I am NOT the people pleaser any longer.

Anyhow, thanks so much folks....every time I post here I get more out and feel better. I'll check in next week.

Brian
Posted 5/30/2019 12:49 AM (GMT 0)
I hope you have a good time with your son Brian. I am glad you and your ex are in this together. It sounds like you have a good source of support.

Have a good week.

Hugs, Karen...
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