HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

I'm losing friends because of depression

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 6/6/2019 9:48 AM (GMT 0)
I've been depressed for years, but although i feel sad and pointless i have always made a conscious effort to be positive about everyone elses lives, relationships, choices etc etc. I am a total people pleaser, i do what everyone else wants to do as i'd rather they were happy and i wasn't. I always encourage other people to believe in themselves and I give pretty darn good advice to everyone (except myself) but even with all the effort i make, it's becoming really apparent that people still find me intolerable to be around and it's really making me wonder what the point of my life is if i don't even have friends who enjoy my company.

I am negative when i talk about myself, if someone asks me how i am and whether i've got a boyfriend yet my typical repsonse is probably 'Ah, you know, i'm ok and no, of course i haven't got a boyfirend, i'll never get a boyfriend!'. I tend to then breeze past talking anymore about me or my feelings because i know that it's negative and therefore i try and just talk about the other person all the time in order to be good company.

I've noticed more and more of my 'friends' saying things to me like 'You need to learn to be happy', 'Maybe you didn't have a good time because you're always so miserable' 'Maybe you felt like she was being off with you because you're always paranoid and make things up in your head. You're just jealous because they're happy and you're not'. And although these people still then class themselves as my friends, i'm wondering if they really are friends if my negativity is so obvious and unbearable. It's making me not want to socialise because i feel like i either have to avoid talking about myself totally, or i have to put on a fake face and be like 'yeah i'm great, i'm so happy and love my life!' in order to please them.

I really feel like i go out of my way to always support other people and be positive about them and their stories so i'm really disheartened to hear that so many people still see me as draining and negative.

I'm totally lost in my life now as i've been down about my ex and unable to move on for years but now i feel like i don't want to see mates either which means i've literally got nothing.
Posted 6/6/2019 12:35 PM (GMT 0)
You have you. And you have purpose. Try not to be negative. When you are negative, you see everything else as negative too.

Sometimes we have to put on a brave face just to survive. But when we try to be positive, then other things seem positive too.

Life is too short to be negative... Before you know it, you are getting old. That happened to me and it happens to everybody.

Learn to find things you love to do. It doesn't have to be with other people.

I hope things get better. Learn to be happy even when you are alone. It can be done.

Hang in there Stanley, things will get better for you. I promise...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/6/2019 6:49 PM (GMT 0)
Can you find one positive? Hold onto it. I have to drag myself out of the pit...sometimes I don't succeed...but I don't stop trying. A gratitude list has been helpful to me. Once started, it tends to lengthen on it's own. "I'm grateful it's not raining" can start a whole train..."I'm also grateful for shade. I'm also grateful for sweet smelling honey suckle. On and on. Sometimes I can even end it with 'I'm grateful for this life.'

Why be a self fulfilling prophet? Try to avoid "I'll never..." or "I always..." Those are weights and chains that keep us in the pit. Start the day believing that something good is going to happen...then at the end of the day, review the day and find that good thing. Most of us don't win the lottery but even if I have to say "At least I didn't spend the whole day in bed so, that's a good thing that happened today." it's enough.

It takes practice and fortitude, but it does work!
Posted 6/16/2019 12:11 AM (GMT 0)
LIfe is too short to be with people who make you feel worse. Seriously, your friends sound like they suck. The people-pleasing will never attract good people, only superficial types who can dish out the criticism but can't receive it in return. More importantly, at a psychological level, people-pleasing behaviour makes people respect you less, not more. It's counterintuitive but that is absolutely how human psychology works.

Can you afford therapy? I think a good therapist could get to the roots of why you feel you are less important than other people (because that's basically what it amounts to). As for the "negativity", it is a core symptom of depression. My advice would be to drop your friends and concentrate on you. Do what pleases/interests you for a change. Once you start to feel a bit better (perhaps with the aid of an antidepressant or therapy), you can start working on longer term goals to try to break the rut and move on from the stifling past.
Posted 6/16/2019 1:04 AM (GMT 0)
This wasn't one of my friends, but in a crowded car, she asked me about a recent job ending, "Were you fired?"
I had a relative say to me, "You think too much."

I know, too, when I had a mental breakdown, after that, I had to give up on some of my former friends and either get a new set or go without. I also had to learn to tell myself, would you give up your good qualities to get rid of your bad qualities (like being nervous)? I thought, no.

Would you rather be somebody else? No. I really didn't want to be like them. Your talk about being negative sounds like one of the issues I had, until I read a column about being positive. And it really helped.
Posted 6/16/2019 3:34 PM (GMT 0)
HA! I think too much.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me!!!

Stanely, you are the healthy one looking for answers.

When we do this, people around us get uncomfortable. We become a mirror and they do not like what they see.

I had lost every friend I had when my neurologist sent me to a therapist, because I told her 10yrs ago, my pain was making me suicidel. True. But there was a lot of other stuff going on also.

I was just not a party person anymore. People did not like that. No one wanted to stick it out through the tough times. Even my husband of 20 yrs I found out last years started cheating so he could still party.

Thank God I am strong enough now to move on. I have true friends now that will not move on, and would desert them either.

Mindfulness helps me a great deal. So does self compassion. Heck if you would tell some else to do something nice and good for themselves, would you not deserve the same thing?

I suggest mindful.org and seeing what might help you there.

Peace and strength.
Trina
Posted 7/28/2019 10:23 AM (GMT 0)
I think human contacts that you experience along the way are one of not numerous things you remember at certain age. Being a friend is a job. You gotta work on it.
Posted 8/1/2019 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
HI Pinkpigworld,

Welcome to the depression forum. Thanks for posting. I hope you have a good day...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/4/2019 1:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Polish Bear

I agree there is some work in being a friend.

Though I would not saw "work". Move a give a take.

I have learned that work tends to indicate one sidedness in the relationship and this is not healthy.

Anyone that passes through our lives teaches us something. Good or bad, we learn from them. Tolerance, avoiding toxicity, recognizing good people. Age does make a difference as these things take time.

Peace
Trina
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply