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Posted 2/15/2006 2:16 PM (GMT 0)
While I think everyone on this site is great and supportive, I feel like I can't relate to a lot of the posters because their married or have significant others.  It shouldn't seem like a big deal but it is difficult to relate when you're reading about people who have someone to help them, even with little things like taking care of the house or paying bills, when you're struggling on your own. I don't have any outside support and so I don't think that the people who are married can really understand me. I thought maybe there are others out there like me that feel the same way??
Posted 2/15/2006 5:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hey pixieD!  I understand what your saying about not relating to the other people who are married who have significant other.  I do think that the people who are married can understand though.  They weren't always married! lol  Everyone goes through those feelings of being single at some point in their life.  I do see what you are saying though :)  Keep your chin up!  Just wanted to let you know your not alone :) I am NOT married and do NOT have a significant other..I don't have the time or patience hehe  Although I can see why having a husband would help w/ support :)
Posted 2/15/2006 5:10 PM (GMT 0)
I totally understand where you are coming from. I am divorced and my perspective on life and my opinons ect have changed.
Posted 2/15/2006 6:04 PM (GMT 0)
I too am single and have been for 12 years now. It is very hard to do everything, take care of the house, pay all the bills, work all week and be ill (I have Crohn's disease along with depression and a thyroid problem). I think that people who do not, or have not struggled to survive can't really relate to someone who does. I live alone and get no help from my family so I can totally relate to where you are coming from. You really have to push yourself when there isn't anyone there to pick up your slack or to help in any way.
Posted 2/15/2006 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
I hope I didn't offend anyone by my post, I just meant that sometimes when you're sick it's hard to get everything done that some people are able to push off to their significant others. It's also really hard having no emotional support. I think that all of the married people that I've come across on the board are really great, nice and supportive it just sometimes helps to find the people that deal with some of the same struggles that you do. :)
Posted 2/15/2006 6:33 PM (GMT 0)
Oh gosh you didn't offend anyone pixieD! I ABSOLUTELY agree with you :) Having a significant other to push off of is DEF very different from being single. ANd it is hard to not have any emotional support. It is nice to find people similar to you..there are some of us singles on here hehe
Posted 2/15/2006 8:25 PM (GMT 0)
There definitely was no offense what so ever.  I am divorced too, I have a guy that I see now but he doesn't live with me or anything.  There is a lot of struggles with being single but I prefer it much more to being married.  But yes there are quite a few of us out here.
Posted 2/15/2006 8:35 PM (GMT 0)
Yes I know what you mean. I do not have a significant other either (and haven't for a while :() so sometimes I do wish I had someone who could just be there for me on my bad days. Instead, I have to deal with it on my own. I call friends someitmes, and that can help a little, but it's not the same as having someone there.

However I feel that I am better off being single until I get a grip on my problems. I was in a serious relationship while I was depressed (even more depressed than now!) and all it did was cause problems and make things miserable and make me feel guilty for being miserable. I am not saying depressed people should be single, but that's just what is best for me, personally.
Posted 2/16/2006 5:07 PM (GMT 0)
I have never really had anyone to turn to in my depression. I never want to bother anyone else with what I percieve as whining. Some times I believe I am better off and others I just wish I wasn't so alone. I understand what you mean, it is harder to deal with it alone, even if you think it's the right thing to do (as in not burdening anyone else with your problems).
Posted 2/19/2006 1:53 AM (GMT 0)

While I think everyone on this site is great and supportive, I feel like I can't relate to a lot of the posters because their married or have significant others. It shouldn't seem like a big deal but it is difficult to relate when you're reading about people who have someone to help them, even with little things like taking care of the house or paying bills, when you're struggling on your own.

I've been single all my life and while, yes, marriage would make some things easier, I also recognize that depression is like a cold-if one person has it, other people tend to get it, too.  Ever walk into a room where someone is depressed?  You'd rather turn and go the other way.  I've been depressed since childhood and recognized that marriage would be too much of a load for me, even though I did do a bit of dating for a while.  But I could never seem to find that one guy I believed who could deal with someone like me who is so moody-medication or not.  What's really tough is that my folks aren't always supportive and most of my friends are married and seem to act as though I have all the time in the world and can attend them at every beck and call.  I work full-time and dont' have a great deal of energy.  Often on my days off I just want to stay home, out of the public eye, away from crowds and noise.  Fortunately, I live in an apartment complex that recognizes 'assistive animals' and because I have a wonderful doctor who was willing to sign a note in my defense, I'm allowed to have a kitty to keep me company.  It's great help to come home to a little face after a long day at work.

There are times when I just dont' feel like doing anything whatsoever and I have to give myself permission to just vegetate in front of the TV.  But I feel guilty because I've been programmed that I should be doing something at all times.

Does anyone else here suffer from anti-social feelings?  My friends and family whine because I won't call them-I'm a writer, not a talker and they cant' seem to get that through their thick heads. tongue

Posted 2/19/2006 8:14 PM (GMT 0)
I've always been a loner. Not really by choice just by the fact that no one seems to want to hang around me. I've been to parties (who am I kidding, only one) and I am not talked to, at all. I was overlooked in school even, the teachers would be surprised when I asked for the homework I missed, cause they didn't notice that I was gone. I have had a total of 5 friends and they are all gone now, one to london, one in SC, another is in SD, and here I am moving back to Florida because I can't hack it on my own (without family), course I think they all hate me because I am a quitter now, I wasn't able to handle a job for even a week before I started cutting myself again. Could some one explain to me what people are looking for in a friend? I think I need to learn more about people and how they function, I am not good in social situations and I am scared to death when asked to do any public speaking of any sort, I tend to run out of the room. I don't know what to say to people even if it's not the first time I've met them. I basically just don't get people at all, so I stay away now. I used to try, but it never works out.

Posted 2/20/2006 3:51 PM (GMT 0)

Hey AMDragon,

I am sorry that you are feeling this way.  And also that your friends have all moved away from you.  You asked "Could some one explain to me what people are looking for in a friend?" there really isn't anyway for someone to answer this as everyone is different and requires different things in friends and the people they hang out with.  It is very difficult when you feel alone and isolated.  Have you tried any sort of counseling for the feelings that you are having? 

You have friends here, keep posting.  ((((hugs))))

Posted 2/21/2006 3:00 AM (GMT 0)
I'm single too pixieD, and it is *so* hard having no one to turn to when I'm really blue. It's almost unbearable, really. And then I take it to the next level of telling myself, "Well, no wonder you're single, who would want to be with you anyway?", and on it goes. Depression obviously just goes hand in hand with feelings of isolation and loneliness, and being single emphasizes those feelings even more. I hear ya - I'm in the same boat (still paddling in circles - lol).
Posted 2/22/2006 8:37 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks els. I needed that. Today is a better day. I just have to keep telling myself that, I think I am even starting to believe it. I have decided to practice being a friend. I am going back to my childhood and creating friends to "play" with. I am inventing people to talk to and argue with, so that I can "run away" if I get unconfortable. I think once I get over being scared bleep-less I will be able to start friendships with real people.
Bluepixie I tell myself the same thing (Well, no wonder you're single, who would want to be with you anyway?). I think it is part of the depression, a built in mechanism, otherwise we would be able to beat it easier. I am not saying it would be easy, just easier, because we would have others to help us through and we ourselves would be more inclined to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.
Posted 2/23/2006 4:16 AM (GMT 0)

Single young (24 years) female here. Live in the country FAR from family, recently left an abuse relationship turned stalker so friends are minimal if any at this time. I TOTALLY understand your comment about the "little" things that are BIG when NOTHING is right and it seems like there isn't a sole that understands. There are many of us out here...single and coping

Sandy C.

Posted 2/23/2006 1:23 PM (GMT 0)
pixieD,

I am 52 and single. I understand completely about being single and depressed, and I agree that it is hard to relate to the posters who are not alone. Sometimes it makes me jealous/envious to read that someone has a spouse or SO to help them. When I read that someone can rest because they need to and I would like to but can't because I am my sole supporter, I am glad for them and think it must be wonderful to have that option. I would love to exerience that.  cool  

...Hi Rusti...I respectfully disagree with you: depression is not like a cold. It is very individualistic as it is about how we think and feel and we are each very separate. I hope you will re-think that and consider letting someone into your life. You can't hurt them with your depression and it could be fun for you to have someone to share with and help lift you up when you need it and lift them up when they need it!  :-)   

Nanse

 

Posted 2/23/2006 8:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hi All,

I wanted to thank you all for sharing and to toss in a little note of encouragement. Although I am not single at this point in my life, I recovered from my darkest depression while living on my own. I'm close with my family, but they live an entire country away. I was in an awful relationship, (living in an itty bitty town in the country) that only made the depression worse - I wasn't well and was stuck doing the work of two people (the other end of the partnership spectrum). I ended the relationship and it was the best decision I could have made - it was the most important step in recovering.  

I guess I might offer that there may be something liberating about making the journey single. I was prone to hiding away so when I could muster the effort, I would go to the SPCA to walk dogs for them. I needed anything to make me get out of my own head long enough to let the fresh air sink in and get a little exercise - then it seemed like the rest of the day wasn't so awful and it was easier to deal with the things that were necessary.

I just wanted to let you all know that you words are not met by un-sympathetic ears and I think of you as all brave souls willing to share your thoughts and feelings.

Thank you and take care,
Putter

Posted 2/24/2006 3:25 PM (GMT 0)

Putter,  That was very nice thank you.  It is something to reflect on.

I have been thinking of this topic all week and in relation to my own life.  I have to say that even though It may be nice for those of us "singles" to have someone to lean on you have or want to take into consideration how devastating depression can be on a relationship. I know this first hand and although my marriage didn't break up because of depression it was certainly a big factor in it and some of the things that transpired during it.  Just wanted to give a little different perspective here....

Posted 2/28/2008 10:49 PM (GMT 0)
Quick note to "hposi03": it's not easy to "keep your chin up" or manufacture confidence out of thin air, when you've spent your entire life being constantly told by women how ugly and repulsive you are. The fact is I am a very intelligent, very successful guy with a great career, personality and sense of humour. My physique is good, except for the fact that I have a face like a dropped pie. It is a known fact that despite what women say about caring about a guys personality, the one and only single thing they really care about is how good looking they are. I can honestly say that I have never met a single woman in my entire life who actually cares about a guys personality, and people wonder why I have resentment towards women. I have never had a girfriend for longer than 6 months and it is obvious that at my age I probably never will. If you have some practical advice for someone like me besides keeping my chin up I would like to hear it.
Posted 2/29/2008 12:22 AM (GMT 0)

Don't you guys think that you are stronger though, being you learn to cope on your own, as apposed to having somebody to 'lean on' so to speak.

My husband died in 2000.  Though he wasn't the most supportive of me, I know that I did lean on him through my depression.  But when he died, I was alone, and scared.  I didn't know how to cope by myself.  I had to find ways to interact with people on my own and frankly it was easier to just not answer the phone or the door.  I think that learning to depend on yourself is the smartest thing to do because even if you are in a secure, safe environment, you never know when that will be taken away from you.

Ugly, I don't know what to say except that you must have met some pretty shallow women in your time.  When people judge others by the way they look, that is downright stupid to me.  I wish you luck finding the lady of your dreams.

Hugs,

Karen

Posted 1/24/2009 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
I think it is not just that being depressed is harder when you are single--- being single is making me and keeping me depressed. Being alone confirms every negative feeling I have about myself -- of course I believe I am unlovable... I AM unloved. Of course I feel unattractive because, in truth, nobody is attracted to me. Trying to convince myself otherwise just makes me feel even worse. I am 36 years old and since graduating high school, I have been in one relationship, and that was for less than two years. And I haven't turned down a date in the 16 years I've been single.

It's not just the lack of having someone to lean on, or the burden of doing everything oneself. Being alone is lonely. For any married/coupled who thinks it isn't, and that single people should just get out and try to have a good time- try going to a nice restaurant alone on Friday night at 8 pm (without a book). Better yet, try going to a family wedding without a date. Office parties, married friends' kids' parties, dinner with couples-- all opportunities to feel smaller than an ant. And for how many years can one "put oneself out there" before you think it may just be a little bit hopeless?

I have a good job. I go to work, I come home. On the weekends when there is no work, I wonder why I had bothered to get out of bed. A bad day at work is devastating because that is all I have.

And I am continuously amazed at the number people who ask why others are still single..... what kind of answer could they possibly expect?
Posted 1/24/2009 5:10 PM (GMT 0)
Heej E.M,

I see that you are new here, so welcome to HW :-). Yes, being single can make you feel depressed. For years, I though a gf would make me happy, would solve my problems. But that was a huge thing, so every time someone was even the slightest of interested, I didn't want to lose that and thus lost it, if you know what you mean. I would back down, act like someone else, etc.

Fortunately, there is a positive side as well. Never having a relationship made me think about what in a relationship was that special thing. It wasn't the sex, it was the feeling of acceptance, that someone fully accepts you and cares for you. Being able to talk to someone who wants to see you happy. I was so focussed on getting a gf that I forgot that the things I wanted can be found anywhere. Because there are people that love you, that love me, that love. These people are called friends.

Hmm, this was more a story about me, so thanks for letting me vent, and sorry for not being very helpful :-)

Take care!
Erik
Posted 1/24/2009 6:13 PM (GMT 0)

I have been divorced for 25 years.  I get my support from my therapist and my 2 sons.  As far as this forum goes, I get tremendous support from everyone, even those who are married.  I have never found that someone who is part of a couple hasn't been able to understand me. We are all in the same position with our feelings and the support I get is from someone who is able to help me with a problem. Their ability to relate is amazing and when I have a problem that is what we concentrate on.  So please understand that we get help from everyone.  I am a little older but I still get support from the younger people who are here. Please give it a chance - I think you will be surprised how much help you will receive. Wishing you the best and I will answer your posts to try to help you.

Aurora

Posted 1/24/2009 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi EM,

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. This is a wonderful place to come for support.

We are born alone, we need to learn to comfort oneself. You have to get to know you before you can hook up with somebody else and feel fullfilled. So don't give up on that.

I hope that you can find some peace and solace and learn to love yourself for who you are. Then think of getting on with the rest of the world. When you are alone you are with the best person ever.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/24/2009 11:14 PM (GMT 0)

E.M.

Welcome to HealingWell and I think the one thing we all have in common here is depression.  That is the bond that ties us together. You may be single but I do understand where your coming from.  I attended many social gatherings as a single married woman as my husband is not into social events.  Now that is an akward position.............people all want to know where your spouse is.  In fact I have had people would say they did not believe I had a spouse as they had never met him. blush

Also we understand each other, we do not have to have everything in common to feel your pain.  I lost a son to a car accident but I will post my issues here if they happen to be related even thow even if  only a few of the members have gone through the same experience all of the members understand why I would be upset.  

We are all here for you and we may not know exactly how your feeling but we have great empathy for you.

So please know we are the world and we are all different yet we are the same.

Hugs

Kitt

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