New and absolutely unable to communicate!

I know this sounds stupid - I'm reading it back and even I think "that's not much a problem. Just bite the bullet and do it!" to the person who wrote it. But, I swear, it's like a tic. When I'm on my own I'll ring someone for a chat and resolve to just tell them that I'm down and feeling like crap. But when I'm actually faced with another person, I physically can't do it. I'm afraid to go to a doctor in case they refer me to a counselor. I have an actual fear of therapy - the very thought makes me clench up in my stomach. I've tried to ring helplines, and when a real person asks me what the problem is I just choke and put down the phone. I also make jokes all the time. I can't help it - every time someone asks if I'm okay, it's like the joke forms of its own accord and popped out (I do a great Knock knock :) ). I get so frustrated with myself, it's like I can't help it. I come over as a functional, happy person, and since I spend every day inebriated with some kind of substance, I think most of my friends just have me down as a bit of a party animal. Today is my first sober day in two weeks and I've been unable to stop crying all morning. I say I've been depressed since age 13 - it was the worst it's ever been from age 13-16, still there but fairly easy to control from age 16 to the last six months or so. Right now is the worst I've felt since that first really bad period. I'm thinking about suicide more and more lately, and two weeks ago I cut myself for the first time in years. It was only one, small cut, but I thought I was done with that years ago. I don't *think* I'd actually commit suicide - then again, a few weeks ago I didn't think I'd ever cut myself again. I know this isn't going to fix itself, and I need to do something if I want it to change, but the thought of discussing this in depth with someone makes me want to just curl up and expire quietly now... I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone else have this much trouble showing how much pain they're in to other people and, if so, how do you get past it?

I've had several therapists.  All but two were helpful.  (I got rid of the unhelpful ones in a hurry.)

You might want to look a some books like Feeling Good by David Burns re: cognitive therapy.

I know you want to feel better.  Fight back.  Get some help.  You'll be so much happier.

I used to have the same problem as you. I could never tell anyone if something was wrong, unless they really pestered me into doing it.

Something that may help is writing out a basic script for yourself, and practice saying it to yourself. Then next time you call someone up to tell them you feel lousy, you will have something to work from. I guess the opening lines are the hardest...you could try something that's fairly casual, but will prompt them to ask more questions. Like you could try saying "I just don't feel like myself lately." If you don't want to say more than that when they ask, at least you have communicated to them that something isn't quite right. It can be hard to express everything all at once to someone, but you can drop hints and let them know a little bit at a time. Well, that worked the best for me. I hope you'll find it useful....

I noticed above you say you feel weak telling anyone about how you feel. Is it because you feel you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position? After all, you don't know what their reaction will be. Perhaps you're worried you won't be able to control yourself talking about your emotions. Kind of out of control?

I ask this because I've been in that position.

Maybe that's not it and I'm just talking more about myself than about possiblilities for you.

Ed