post abortion heartache

crying already. first time user. this is big for me to do. dont really talk much. to any one about much. have no family to confide in. no time for counselling. few friends. trapped and lonely. had an abortion in 1996 and it kills me to this day. parents forced me into it because i was at university. it plays over and over in my head. how disgusting the experience was. how i was lied to. how my parents just wanted the experience over with and forgotten. how they were never there for support afterward. how i failed my course. how they have now disowned me because im the 'problem child' of the family. i hate them. i hate my life. im alone today, my children are with their dad. i am so sad. just want to curl up and die. but i cant because of the children. i resent them sometimes for not letting me be able to leave this place. i try so hard to put on the brave face. do real well at it superficially. i dont let people get too close because i have nothing to give them and i dont want to be seen as a basket case and have people talk about me, point fingers etc. its not just the abortion that effects me, other things have happened since 1996. but my depression always seems to come back to that event because it was painful. the loneliness was unbearable. i overdosed twice and now have scars on my wrist that are a constant reminder of that time. NO ONE was there for me. my dads words are clear in my head when he said 'youl thank me oneday'. i hated him from then on. he made me kill my baby. my mother stuck by him thro 'loyality'. i hate her too. she is now so jealous of me she is mean, bitter and spiteful. i wish i didnt live in this town. does anyone relate? this is dangerous for me to enter into the pit of this sadness where all my pain, anger and guilt  are kept, but i just cant cope anymore. hiding away, not being close to anyone, not talking, not being myself has worn me down. i dont know what to do. im a single mum of 3 with career aspirations but im just not seeing change in me to be able to focus and do well. the biggest step i took to get better besides the anti-d's and the counselling was writing my parents a letter after 9 years since the event. it was taken very badly. they didnt want to empathise. they see themselves as victims. im f*king sick of them seeing themselves as the victims. they have shut me out of the family circle, talked about me behind my back, been nothing but manipulative and mean. yet they want to see their grandchildren so i have to be objective and let them. it makes me sick. my mother now tries to manipulate my daughter against me. she is nothing but jelous and bitter yet all the blame is pointed at me for the non existent relationship i have with my family. it makes my blood boil. i hate her. now im waffling. got to much to say. il shut up. stopped crying now.      

If your mum tries to turn your daughter against you, I personally don't think you have any obligation to let her near your children. I don't think you "have" to at all - in fact, contact could be damaging to your relationship with the kids if your mother's as poison as she sounds. Plus, the prolonged contact probably reopens old wounds for you, which can't be good for your kids or your family unit as a whole. Personally I think that if your parents show no interest in working on the relationship, it's probably in your best interests to sever it. But I don't know you, so I guess it's probably better to talk it over with someone who does or a professional before making any big decisions.

Also, you mentionewd having no friends - the feeling of loneliness is one of the worst things about being depressed, I think. Maybe it'd help to get online and find some groups in your town, for mothers without familial support, things like that. Something that gets you out, helps you make friends and lets you feel that you're not alone.

I really hope this works out... good luck.

I really do sympathise - everyone always bangs on about family being the most important thing, the only constant, and it really makes you feel like you've missed out on something profound if you're unlucky enough to have crappy parents. But some people just won't ever change, and if they're not prepared to even try and all they ever do is cause you pain, then they don't deserve to be in your life. There are other people who will love you because they want to, not just because you're they kid and they have to. I'm a huge believer in friendship and, to be brutally honest, if I never saw my family again I don't think I'd care that much.

I think it's admirable that you put your children's right to see their grandparents before your own issues with them. But if I were you, I'd have a word to your mother and let her know that it's a privelage, not a right (I'm fairly sure grandparents have no legal rights), and that if you EVER hear that she's been dropping snide hints to your daughter about you, or trying to make trouble in your relationship with them, that's the last time she'll ever see them. I was turned against one parent by another as a child, and it's only in the last year that I've begun to question what really happened - I'm 23, have been all grown up for years, and it's taken this long for me to wonder. Kids are so impressionable, and the things we're told in childhood run so deep, that it could really cause damage if she's allowed to say what she likes about you to your kids. They could even end up running to her when they're teenagers, and the inevitable problems arise. I don't mean to sound like I'm fear-mongering, but I really recommend being careful that she doesn't come between you and them.

I seriously think that getting out and meeting people would help you a lot. I spent the day alone yesterday, and with friends today, and the difference in how I feel is astounding. Mother-and-child groups, hobbies, anything that gets you out and interacting with people. Are you religious at all? If so, church may be an idea - I think they do lots of things you can get involved in. I've never attended one, but people I know who have always seem to have something to do! What are you interested in? I'm sure there's something that would help you make friends. It makes such a difference to me, maybe it would to you too?