Done.

Hi everybody. I'm an author and computer programmer.

Depression hit me hard when I was 22. Now I'm turning 25 in a month.

My books, which you probably haven't heard of, were published by major publishing houses but didn't really go anywhere. They did all right; I was on TV for one of them, but now I'm pretty convinced that the writing career is over, in part due to my own inaction and withdrawal.

As a computer programmer, I don't make very much money and I'm not all that good. I know that I have the ability to be a writer--I used to DO IT, all the time, and do WELL with it--but now its like my brain has shut down and I don't have anything to live for.

I have been on three kinds of medication; they have helped to some degree but I'm pretty convinced that, deep down, it's just me. There's no reason I can't be the way that I used to be except fear.

I found this forum a while ago and linked it on my myspace. I don't know what I'm looking for--help. That's it. I really need help from anybody out there who's willing to give a kind word.

I am not going to kill myself I have been through that before--I got suicidal and entered a hospital briefly. I just want to start over and meet some new people who know what I'm going through.

Thank you for reading.

hey masterorb

i dont write on this forum too much,,, just read it....but figured, why not. i too have been really down lately. I am also 24 and own my own business, but i just have no drive to push it to where it needs to be to be successful.(and i am broke as hell which doesnt help my mood) i have been on and off meds for the last 4 years and am currently off but feeling like i desperately need to go back on them. i hate that. i do not like meds and i do not like feeling like i cannot defeat this problem on my own...... i feel like it is all in my head and i am just letting it get the best of me. but then there are days when i dont wnat to get out of bad or have troubled taking deep breathes or slowing my heartbeat that i tell myself maybe it is something physical, or chemical. anyways, its nice that both of you (master &doll) are on here. Feels like i can relate to both of you. are you guys currently on meds, if so may i ask which ones work or dont work for you? thanks guys

Hi masterorb,  Welcome to Healing Well forum.  We are happy to add you to our group.

I am sorry that you are having some troubles now.  My ex husband works with computers in technical support so anyone who has the patience to do that has all of my respect.  Anyway, there are lots of people here that can sympathize with what you are going through.  Keep in touch.....

Welcome to our HW family!

Hi there - I understand what you mean about being stuck and it's just you. I was just emailing a former therapist of mine when I used to live in KS and telling him about how I used to be and how I have come far with therapy and medication and that there is still something missing, that get up and go, it's gotten up and went...and I need to know how to find it...I have no idea what his response will be if, so if it's anything more than fake it until you make it, I'll share it with you!
I feel frozen, the things I used to love to do don't come easily anymore, everything is kind of wierd...there are many reasons why, I have 3 kids, my daughter has depression issues, I have my own stuff, there are a million things, but one would think we ought to have more control over ourselves than it seems to be...sometimes I look at others and they make going through their day look so easy and for me, it's just not that way...
I think it would be a great idea to write about your depression and make it a story for others to see -whether it becomes a bestseller or not doesn't matter...this would be your story and possibly therapuetic as well, might be worth considering?
I wish the best for you, I know for me, coming here and reading and writing when something speaks to me or when I have my own thing that I need info on, really helps my soul. I hope you find the same and more here.