A letter I am too scared to send

But am also way to hurt and going downhill not to have someone read. So I am using this board again to vent my feelings. I knew me feeling good was too good to be true. Here I go again....But
I called my mom Easter morning,during the middle of the conversation she got really nasty. I was telling her about my job interviews that was coming up and said "something has to come through as this is so depressing and I am so tired of being frustrated" Her reply was "well I will tell you this...if things do not work out down there you can not come here because I do not want you". I was stunned. Now keep in mind I left home at the age of 16 to never go back because of mental and physical abuse from her and her ex boyfriend.
I got married and then at the age of 18 had my daughter. I only started going downhill 2 years ago as far as a job...when I left my ex--husband the kids and I moved in with her for about 3 weeks until I could get some things straight. During that time, I kept her house cleaned,bought all of the groceries so we did not live off of her.
My brother lived with her until a year ago off and on. He is 30.
So,after letting my brain take over these past couple of days I wrote a letter to her last night,almost sent it via email. But chickened out.
I need to "send" it persay so I am going to post it here.........

Mom
I have a few things to say to you
When you said to me that I could not come and live with you, that you did not want me if anything happened here, it broke my heart. Not because there is anything wrong here. In fact I love him more than I have loved any man in my life.

BUT…

I do not know what I did to you that deserves that. I know that I have screwed up in my life. I know that I have not made the right choices. But one thing I do know is that I tried to be a good person.
I did my best with taking care of my brother. I tried to make sure he had dinner, that he had his homework done ect. But I was so young.
I tried to cover his ears at night when you came home with those different men.
I am not a bad person.
I know I am going through a hard part of life

BUT…

I was beat
I was raped.

I deserve to go through a hard part of life
I deserve to be confused and try to find my way.
I deserve to be loved no matter what I do wrong.
I out of any person in the world deserve to be loved.

I only told you a little bit of what happened to me, mostly because I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I fell for what a horrible person said. But I was only 12.

I was a baby still
But I had to grow up fast. He taught me that.
And quite frankly, YOU put me there.

You made me go there. You are the one that did not see the changes in a 12 year old like you should have. A little girl that went from a small town, to running away, talking back, doing drugs…what was wrong with that little girl?

Let me tell you what was wrong…

A man, came into my life…One that my mother trusted. One that my mother took me to every weekend. He at first bought me and my brother lots of things; school clothes, toys, took us fishing and camping. He took us to church.

I thought he was the father that I never had
But one day it changed.
It started by him touching me. Watching ****o movies while I was in the room .
Him forcing himself on me by perfoming oral sex on me.
He told me that if I ever told anyone that he would do the same to my little brother that was lying in the next bed,and that he would kill my mom. I believed every word he said. I figured that if he could do what he was doing to me,that he could do horrible things to anyone and I loved my family so much that there was no way I was telling anyone.,

Then it was the drugs. He had pot,cocaine,and acid whenever I needed it. Which turned out to be needed all of the time
At the age of 13 he took me to Gray”s lake and raped me. I rememeber screaming so loud. It was the most horrible pain I had ever felt; I screamed for YOU YOU YOU
But YOU did not come
I tried to keep my best friend away from him but I know that he got to her.
I know that being a mom that if my daughter would have changed that much
Would have been a different person
I would have known
I would have known that something was not right
You always tell me to see a counsler
Well this is my counsler
I am telling you after all of these years,what he did to me
What I can never forgive you for
What I think you should have known and seen
I remember ALWAYS being in your way, always feeling like I was out of place
Why didn’t you let them just adopt me? Why did you lie to my brother about that?
I am done letting people bring me down
I have lived 36 years with being brought down. And I am not doing that anymore
I have too much anger towards you
Too many nightmares that I have to live again and again. Something you could never imagine
I lived through 13 years with a man that hit me whenever he wanted. Why??????
Because I did not think I deserved better.
I took it
Shut my mouth
Just like I was used to doing
NO MORE

Shynsassy,  You are so courageous for writing that letter.  I am proud of you for that and wish I had that in me to do.  The one person in this world you are supposed to be able to trust and love without boundaries is your mother.  We are always here for you.... (((hugs)))

Hi Shy, I am so sorry that you had to endure that for so many years. There is nothing you should feel guilty for, you were a child. I agree with BL that you wrote the letter quite well and it makes me hurt to think about it. It also brings back some bad memories, but thats ok, we have to remember to be able to get rid of them. I really feel for you with your mother the way she is, its hard to think that the one person that should do anything for you doesnt love you as they should. Rape takes forever to recover from, if you can. But, you have support here, and i also agree with the fact that you have heart and spirit, and you will make it through this with flying colors. I wish i had your courage, in just writing the letter.......you did well. God Bless you and keep you safe. My thoughts will be with you, i wish there was more i could do. HUGS
Shell

Thank you all. I am putting the letter in a safe folder. I think just posting it on here has helped alot. Although it did start the nightmares again. But,I have kept everything hidden from everyone for so many years,and I think that in order to heal and be a better person I need to stop hiding persay. I do feel I have a great support system which is something I have never had before. I try not to be the person that wants everyone to feel sorry for them due to what their past is. I have made it a point in my life to stand tall at least. But by doing that I also feel fake as no one really knows the true me.
It is a big start for me to post all of this on here,and reliving it is hard but I know it is something I have to do in order to heal.

Hi Shyn,  It took a lot of courage for you to write that letter, no matter if you send it or not.  You got it out and that is what is the most important.  You know, I was sexually abused by my stepfather from the ages of 3 to 11.  To even type it makes me sick to my stomach.  My mom didnt know what was happening as he said he would kill her and us, meaning my little brother and I.  My brother ended up telling the school counselor and she called the police one day at school.  We never saw him again.  We were taken away for 2 weeks until DFS determined that mom really didnt have anything to do with it and didnt know.  Stepfather went to jail but ended up getting a very good lawyer and got himself to psych hospital in St.Joe MO.  Judge sentenced him to 6 months in hospital and 6 years probation.  Yet I got a life sentence!  He had to register as a sex offender but they didnt have the laws that they do now, so it was only for 10 yrs.  This happened back in 1985.  After he got out of the hospital he hooked up with a women that was a mutual friend of him of my mom's (she know what had happened but didnt believe it) they got married.  She also had a little girl I am not sure how old she was though.  He ended up molesting her too.  And is once again on Kansas City's Sex Offender Registry.  He is still married to this women..... and lives 3 miles from my grandma. I have forgiven myself and stopped blaming myself for what happened to me as it wasnt my fault.  But I dont know how to forgive him, I dont think I will ever be able to, I have too much rage.  I cant talk to my mom about it as she carries alot of guilt for bring him into our lives. Anyway, I rambled way too much sorry....I wanted to tell you my story.  Your not alone.  I wrote a letter a few months ago to him on my computer but it made me sick to think of it on there and had to delete it. 

Hi Shy and Elisha,
First, Shy, Why not write a book, I've read a couple on this topic and what you put in your letter was more powerful than all of those, it may be hard to write and it may be depressing, but its a truth that needs to be told and told again, and Men need to read this stuff,

These people deserve a punishment that fits the crime, and more, and our Governments seriously need to act on these people, deter these people from acting on their urges in the first place, it may be harsh but, i for one have no sympathy and i'd hang the lot of them, life for life

Elisha, i feel the same when i use to write my stuff down, then i decided to burn it, kind of symbolic, but theres a gleeful feeling in thinking the person responsible is burning or is going to burn too,

Love you both, you're great people, and very capable Women

Elisha, thats exactly the way to do it, and i think i can see that in Shy as well, a light will always find a way through the darkness, and it's those lights that make a difference

Yeah, they are getting harsher on the crimes then they used to be that is for sure.  about a year ago I started to get interested in all the bills that are being presented in the senate, especially the ones on sex offenders.  I spend a lot of my free time writing to senators/legislators and governors trying to support and get passed tougher penalties for any kind of sex crime but especially those against children.  It has really helped me feel like I am doing something to help, and in that I think I have healed a little. What that person (I dont think you can label him a man) did to you Shyn, was the worst kind of crime.  He took away your dignity, innocence, youth, and pretty much shattered everything that you believe in.  When someone goes through something as traumatic as this they have to find their own peace, and their own way of being able to live in their skin, body and mind.  You dont need to have someone pushing you into something that makes you uncomfortable.  Religion is such a personal decision and choice, I have always found it very difficult to be around people that feel the need to convert or push religion on others.  I am Catholic, grew up in an all Italian family who is strict Roman Catholic.  I am the only one who doesnt go to mass regularly as I do have issues with it.  My family respects that, well except for grandma but she is old and worries about my soul...lol.  Hopefully your boyfriend will be able to talk to his mother about this without reveling the whys. It is personal and you shouldnt have to tell her why it makes you uncomfortable. 

Hi Shy,

Brought a tear to me eye reading your story, but I hope it helped writing it all down and knowing there are others that know what happened and you're not carrying it all yourself.

My boyfriend had a very bad child hood, a father who beat him and his mum. After he left his mum had boyfriend after boyfriend leaving him in the house to fend for himself, no food in the cupboards or clean clothes.

His mum passed away 3 years ago, now it eats him up that he has so many things he wants to say to her and can't, then feels guilty for it. She was probably oblivious to the affect her party lifestyle was having (and still does) on him. After she passed away he found out at the funeral that she had 2 children before him and now he carries all this anger around with him. It's left him a very mistrusting view of women which is hard work for me at times.

It proves that we are not on this earth very long and so if there's anything tha needs saying its best to say them (good or bad) so we don't have to keep them with us forever.

Good on you for writing that post

Lyndsey x

Leigh Ann,  Thank you so much for your kind words.  I have thought of a support group but I still have trouble discussing it with my therapist in private.  It's been over 20 years and I still cant seem to overcome the psychological effects this had on me.  There are things, terrible things that I have not ever spoken of or written, they just wont come out.  I am afraid that if they did they would be violent, ugly and destructive.  So I sit here keeping very tight control on my emotions and thoughts.  My mom wants to understand and wants me to talk to her about it but I feel guilty and dont want to hurt her as I know she blames herself for it happening.  So it really isnt her not trying to understand, its me. 

hey there, i have read all of your replies and they are very supportive, i agree with all of them, i just felt the need to write u a little post, U R AMAZING just had to let you know that, it must have taken so much for you too write that letter, and i cant seem too stop crying, please let me know how you are getting on in the future, take care xxx jodiexxx

Hi armywifefisher
To date I have not sent the letter yet. I keep going back to not wanting to cause conflict with my mom. Which annoys the heck out of my boyfriend. He thinks that she deserves it and should know what I have been through.
But,she is not the one that raped me,she did not want to be a mom and should have never had kids.
I can totally relate with your cousin. She feels shame,and the drinking is what helps her forget.
I stopped taking meds about a year ago,and still crave them. But am too scared to take them again as I abused them. I drink now. I went through a stage where I was going out every other night with my best friend. Drinking until I was in a stupor,and then driving. My kids were older (16 and 14) and I felt it was ok to go out and them stay home for a few hours by themselves. Then I talked my ex husband into taking them every other weekend,which just gave me permission to drink more. The finale was I got pulled over for a OWI,and that screwed my whole life up.
I believe that the relationships I have been in were haunted by my past. And still are I guess.
Don't give up on your cousin,she needs you.
Also,I look in the obits everyday to see the name of the man that hurt me physically as a child and remained hurting me as an adult. He has not died yet. My big plan is going to his funeral,so that I can see him lying there,knowing he will never hurt me again,and will never be able to hurt another child. I have daydreams that while they are saying what a great person he was I stand up and tell them what he did to me. Then leave.
I doubt I will ever have enough guts to do that..but the thought helps me get through the days.
What about your cousin going to his gravesite and telling him there? Or writing a letter and leaving it there?
When my daughter turned 12,I went through a very hard time of not wanting her to go anywhere,telling her not to trust anyone and that if anyone ever hurt her that she had to tell me and I would protect her. It got to the point to where I was obsessed. So,I wrote a letter one night the man that did that to me. I told him what he did to me,how I am totally screwed up by it,I ended the letter by telling him that if God allowed someone like him to go to heaven that I want to spend the rest of eternity in hell as I have been in hell since I was 12 years old due to him.

Oh my gawd Elisha! I can totally understand how you must have felt. I think that would have been enough to send me over the deep end.
I have often thought about doing more as far as helping victims,or even helping monitor chat rooms ect. But I am afraid of bascially dealing with it. You are very strong that is for sure. And that man who had enough nerve to call himself your father,should have his picture posted on every darn bill board in the US with the subject line of "PERVERT" and "SATAN"S SON" in bold BIG black letters.
I almost am a loss for words here only because my anger seeps out,and revenge hits me like a brick wall.
Be very thankful that at least someone is trying to warn others about him. His face being on the list will hopefully warn a mother that will keep her daughter clear of him.
I am still very angry with myself for not telling anyone,as my nightmares remind me all of the time that he probably has,and might be doing the same thing to another child.
Keep your head up,your road to healing is long,and dark at times. But,as you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. You can at least visit the light a few times to gain your strength to go on.