Endless Melancholy

I hate myself. Yes. I hate me. I hate me for who I am. Why can't I feel better??

Nothing seems to help. Meds, counselling - they're just a waste of time for me. I'm 20. I'd been diagnosed with Chronic Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was prescribed with Zoloft then Luvox then Prozac with Epilim and Valium. They don't seem to help. I'm still lost. Lost in my thoughts of self-destruction. i told my doctor that the med doesn't help and ask if should try another drug but he slap me in the face by saying "don't make believe." Now i no longer come for my follow-ups. But i think i will when i run out of my 'potion'.

I was hospitalized last year for attempting suicide. And I ended up in ER few times for drug overdose.

I haven't been cutting for like 3 weeks as a commitment for my relationship with my fiance. But i feel really terrible. No days spent without sheding a tears. Especially since he's working offshore and I'm all alone by myself. I battle with the temptation of suicide every single day. I just hate everything.  I'm torn.  but I love him! I thought love can cure me but it's not that simple.  crap!

And my BPD worsen my situation. It's like I don't know me anymore. I have no control over myself. I want to be happy but all I can feel is anger and irritability. I messed up our relationship with fights that I created. When I'm angry I'm so very angry that I could say and do anything. Then, I would regret it later and start feeling bad and hating myself. I hate me for huting him. I hate me for hurting everyone around me. I hate me for being selfish. I hate me for I can't stop feeling like this!!

Tell me, how should I live when I keep feeling terrible about life??

I am sorry but I had to edit parts of your post due to forum rule #1 of no discussion of self harm.  I have left a reply to your post below with some websites for you to check you if you like.  Thank you ~ Elisha

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/12/2006 3:52:32 PM (GMT-6)

    Hi crytic tears, I,m so sorry to hear the way your feeling and putting yourself down the why your doing .I really don,t know what to say ,your so young and are going through a lot .I was wondering why you do this ,is it to draw attention to yourself so others can notice you or not .Why don,t you give your meds a chance to work ,how long have you been this way .you have a long life ahead of you and I hope and pray that you start living your life .Idon,t mean to affend you at all ,i,m just concerned about you .Hopefully some one else can help you more then I can about your situation .Oh by the way welcome to HW.

crypticTears, I have worked with many people who have had BPD.  It is a terrible illness that not too many people really understand or even try to understand.  Most times for many of these people it is difficult to find the right medication combination that is going to work just right. But, it is possible and you can get better you just have to hang in there and work with your doctor on finding the right meds.  It is hard and frustrating but never is hurting yourself the answer to this problem.  You can have a beautiful, happy and normal life with this illness.  I believe in you and that you can do it.  Hugs ~ Elisha