Just venting.

Hello everyone,

I have recently been diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder, though I am still in a sort of denial about it. I guess you could say I have had symptoms for some time, maybe a little over a year, but this year is when it started to seriously affect me. My older brother is also suffering through depression and his situation has been worse than mine. He was supposed to graduate this semester but dropped out of school and work, then moved home. My parents kept this from me while I was away at school, then told me during my trip back for Spring Break. That was when my insomnia really started to kick in, though I wouldn't say it was the only factor. School got tougher because I wasn't making all of my classes and I had trouble concentrating on any type of reading or writing. I started to withdraw from some of my friends and my mood tended to be down. I told a few people about my problems and though they offered their help, I really couldn't relate or talk with them. When I went to see a doctor about my insomnia I was prescribed Ambien but offered no help with my anxiety. Though I took the medication, I never got a full night sleep. Then I was switched to Sonata, which did nothing as well. Within the last few weeks I started to have panic attacks, which I suppose is what motivated me to seek further help. Now that school is over you would suspect my anxiety to be getting better, but its just the opposite. Lately I feel even more down and stressed out than before. After seeking help at my schools counseling center I was put on trazadone to help with my sleep/depression, but the medication doesn't seem to be working. I told my doctor, who said we should "titrate" the meds till we reach the desired effect. Even with the increased dosage they haven't provided much relief.
Tonight has been especially rough. I am home with my brothers and parents who are all stressed out and I can't help but feel isolated. I have plenty of friends I could call to get out of the house but I just don't feel like associating with anyone. Even though they know about my insomnia, I haven't told my parents that I've been diagnosed or that I've seen counselors and doctors about depression. In some way I feel if I told them they might think it's just a ploy to get some attention. What's worse is that tonight is the first time I've had thoughts about hurting myself. I know that thinking this way is irrational and I would never go through with anything.. but it's still bugging me that the thoughts are there. In a state of desperation I found this board and have spent the last few hours reading many different topics. Just the fact that other people are having similiar problems as mine has helped me and I am posting so that I can vent/thank everyone for being there for each other. Hopefully sometime tonight my thoughts will calm down and I'll be able to get some rest. Till next post,

-Dan

Hi Dan and welcome, im usually in the p/a board, but depression affects me also so i come here to read and learn. I can relate to alot of what you say, and when i finished school last year (some college, not high school, im old haha) my panic got worse. Its still worse than it was then, because my mind is not as busy as it got used to being, since i worked part time and school full time i didnt have time after 12 hours to think so much about those types of things. Im not an expert, but ive been doing this for years, and please dont isolate yourself much, i know that you feel like you dont want to be around anyone, but isolating yourself, it tends to make things worse. I got to where, like others with anxiety, i didnt even want to leave the house, and when i did, it was a race to get back home. Im coming out of that, but.....takes time. For people that do not have depression or p/a its really hard for them to understand, even if they are stressed out. Dont let anyone tell you that its all in your head, ive heard that from the very beginning from family and friends, no matter what the doc has said. I hate insomnia and i hope it gets better for you soon, no sleep makes everything seem much worse. When i got some of the panic under control, sleep came a lil easier. This is a great place, and people do understand, i wish you the best of luck.
shell