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afraid of getting better

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Posted 5/17/2006 4:15 AM (GMT 0)
Hello,

I have been suffering from depression for most of my life, and am now getting help and have started on meds.  Does anyone ever feel scared of getting better?  I know that sounds funny, but I have built up so many walls in my life and they are so familiar and comfortable - they have served me in some respect for so long that they are hard to let go.  As much as I want to feel better, part of me is terrified.  Does anyone else ever feel like this? 

Posted 5/17/2006 6:52 AM (GMT 0)
well sort of, 2 years ago i was hooked on an internet computer game i was happy, and going to the doctor was the last thing on my mind but i was forced to do it by my family. so yes i was feeling misrable but at the same time i wanted to stay within my walls which is the game, playing it made me feel good about myself and forget the troubles of life
Posted 5/17/2006 1:50 PM (GMT 0)
Same with me... Depression may be miserable but after so long, it becomes normal... And while it seems ridiculous to be afraid of getting better, it's more about the fear of change... When something becomes such a reality and a part of You, it's scary to think what You would be and how You would feel without it... i know this doesn't help much but You're not crazy at least... Lots of people struggle with the same issue... lol Anyway, good luck!
Posted 5/17/2006 5:07 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Narianna. I'm feeling the same too mcbhaff. I want to get better but a part of me like has already get used with the life I had. It's like I fear to find myself so happy and free from depression. Like it's not me anymore when I get well. I always end up feeling more depressed when thinking about this too much.
Posted 5/17/2006 8:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,
It makes a kind of sence to be scared of getting better.
If you get better It means you are going to have to cope with things you are not capable of doing now. However when you are depressed you can't even imagine, let alone remember what it's like to feel able to cope. So you think of trying to manage from where you are now.

When you are well you don't just feel able to cope, you have enough spark to enjoy doing things that are now impossible.

Getting better doesn't happen all at once. It's a gradual process so you can get used to what you are able to do and remember, if you don't feel up to whatever it is you are trying to do, you haven't reached 'well' yet. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Post Edited (Bethany) : 5/18/2006 3:43:23 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/23/2006 11:37 AM (GMT 0)
My boyfriend has often said he's scared to feel happy and loved because then it can all go wrong again.

If he stays feeling like this with the barriers he's built, letting nobody get too close then he can't get hurt...but he feels hurt and really low every day anyway.

But I always think that if things are so bad then it's worth a gamble to let people in and feel 'well' , you have nothing to lose.

Wishing you all the best in feeling good again

Lyndsey
Posted 5/23/2006 11:42 AM (GMT 0)
Very good insight Lyndsey...glad to see you back on
Posted 5/23/2006 9:23 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks els

Have been staying at my b'fs for the last week and things were looking good, no arguements...we had fun doing some decorating, cooked meals together when he was back from work, cuddled up and watched a dvd..all just like the old days.

The minute I came home (I had bills to sort, had my neice for the day, my best friends b'day-the usual) it was like life was all too difficult for him again!! The sad voice on the phone was back, can't be bothered to cook, anything good I'd done it was 'oh good for you' but if I say nothing it's 'can't you think of anything to say to me anymore?'.

Now, to me this is getting a bit like 'selective depression', maybe it's chronic loneliness? I deliberatly leave lots of my things at his so he knows I'm coming back but I wake up and it's like he's gonna decide if we're gonna have a nice day or not.

I've been keeping my cool really well but earlier I had to come off the phone and told him I think he's better having some peace tonight - I said I don't mind him moanig TO me about anything, I'll always listen but I won't have him moaning AT me, it's 2 different things...

To be blunt HE WAS DOING MY HEAD IN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Surely there's a fine line between being supportive and being a human verbal punchbag !

Lyndsey
Posted 5/23/2006 10:27 PM (GMT 0)
I hated being depressed,& couldn't wait to get better,which I did...........
Posted 5/24/2006 11:45 AM (GMT 0)
can't say if i hate it or not , well its sort of a part of me sometimes, other times i just wish to get better.
but its getting weaker everyday, i am sort of on the right track ( i think lol ).
Posted 5/24/2006 3:35 PM (GMT 0)
Lyndsey,  Very good for you sticking up for yourself that way.  As I said before depressed or not behavior and actions should always be accounted for.  There is no reason to punish someone else because we feel bad.
Posted 5/26/2006 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
hmmm...i kinda worry about getting better because then i'll have no excuse for being the way that i am. i know that sounds terrible, but my depression has allowed me to have an excuse for laziness and lack of enthusiasm
Posted 5/27/2006 10:42 PM (GMT 0)
As much as i want to get rid of my dark cloud, i am also scared.  I have also built walls, very big ones, i also seem to be stuck up to people at times.   it has to feel better to be better, take it one day at a time.

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