Sometimes the shell is safer

I think I am to that point. I used to keep myself in a shell,never exposing my emotions,acting as if nothing bothered me.
Results were that most left me alone. When I was single,men would not even approach me as I am sure I had the look of "don't even think about it" on my face.
I am not sure my new side of talking about my emotions is a good thing as it seems to frustrate the people around me. And it makes me more depressed.
I am not sure what happened with me,I used to be able to be so cold and unemotional and either I am going through pre menapause or something in my brain snapped.
I always said that I would never get married again. But I have changed my mind..or I thought up until about a week ago. Now,I feel as though I will just be a girlfriend for the rest of my life...with my current relationship.

I totally hear where you are coming from Shy. 

After keeping things locked away for a long time I've recently started opening up to a couple of close friends, thinking they would understand and they are always encouraging me to talk about how I'm feeling, but now that I have I've been told that I have become a burden. 

My best friend finally cracked yesterday and told me that I am taking over her head, she worrys about me so much - I don't realise how much etc., and she always worries that I am going to 'do myself in'.  It was all very hard to hear - quite a lecture actually, but I respect her for having the guts to tell me at least.  It upset me to hear all of what she was saying, but because I hate to put her through that, I really do.  She has enough crap to cope with without me adding to it all.  So now I feel that I am back to coping on my own again, but I don't see how I can do it on my own, I don't feel strong enough, but I'm going to have to find a way because it simply isn't fair to worry those you care about so much. 

I only joined this group today.  I have been a member of another online forum before and I beleive that they can help to an extent, sharing things with like-minded people is a good idea, as long as you don't drag one another down, which I guess is always a danger!

Els is right about covering things up.  Sometimes it's what you have to do in order to survive.  It's like if you keep up the act, then you can convince not just everyone else, but also eventually, yourself that the role you are playing is really you.  Which means covering up the pain and hoping that it will go away.  Only it never does, it always there until you deal with it and eventually heal.  You need to open up to people who you are certain will understand, or who at least try to understand you, otherwise you can damage yourself even more.

I have the same problem with attracting men too.  I'm such an Ice Queen, and if i get any attention (only happens when I am drunk!), I ruin it because the drink makes the illness worse and that means that depression will ruin it all for me anyway.  It's a vicious cycle.

Know you are not alone Shy.

Take care xx

Hi Broken,I also wanted to say welcome,and thank you for your input. This site has been a total blessing to me. No one has dragged me down yet and everyone always has such positive inputs. I always thought I was the only one that went through the horrible things that I have experienced. But coming here has showed me just the opposite, I am still amazed by that fact to this day. I have spilled my guts on here and with no regrets. It is a great help with the healing process that is for sure!
Elisha and Lyn your insights have helped me so much!
Thank you

I need to add that even though my emotions freak him out,he will not put up with me not telling him how I feel. So,I told him that he needs to figure that out. As far as my family not being able to handle my "letters of truth" too bad. (I say this now as I have confidence this morning). But they should have been a better family to me. Simple as that. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and not remember anyone from my past,and anything that happened and just start fresh. With a good outlook on life and lots of places to go.

I agree with Joan. People tend to be less nice about mental-problem. So I too feel safer in my shell.

My true feelings, the feelings that i have inside,I think are more to an annoyance for others. I always end up feeling ashamed for being so pathetic in their eyes or pissed off as they can't seem to understand me. It makes me prefer to stay in the shell and live with my beautiful mask. It's always hard to talk or vent to someone else. So I just keep my feelings and thoughts to myself and live with it alone. I may talk, but never frank enough to bare myself up. 'An honest confession but the truth still lies behind!'.
But here, i mean in a forum like this i think i do will learn to share. Feels like there's no need to fear for the 'judgemental eyes' that stare when you tell your story. Really, people are really understanding and helpful here. I made some new friends who have same diagnosis as me and we talk about our illness and thoughts freely.
So can say my shell is meant to protect me from being hurt by people that might not understand. For me, only people like us can understand us better coz we're going through the same tunnel of life.

Anyway, i wish you all the best with your relationship.

-Jane-

Yes ShynSassy. It feels harder to get back into the shell once we leave it. I have been feeling depressed since my early teen but was only dx'd last year after my suicide attempt. For me, the shell is broken when I was hospitalized as everyone - my family n friends - know about it. And since the shell is broken, I talked and vent myself up - telling about my miseries and what I've been keeping inside for years. After that I feel uncomfortable. I lost my little secret. I feel like I'm naked in front of them. Like they can see through me although actually they cannot. But after my episode of major depression last time, i again started to fix my broken shell. I started to fake again. Coz after what they'd done for me to help me recover from this depression, still I don't have enough will and energy to keep moving on. Still I'm sick and tired of life. But Im acting as if I'm getting better coz I'm scared that they might get bored or tired and give up on me and leave me. So I'm back in my shell again - scared of being hurt and being left!

-Jane-