SO LOST!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!

 hi Everyone

   my name is nicole, I m seventeen years old. One year ago i knew who i was. I knew the kind of person i wanted to be. I had everything going for me. I was a popular girl a varsity basketball player and so one. I had  my childhood sweetheart and i was the happiest teenager you've ever met. I grew up with my mother. my Father was a drunk. It for him was a life long battle.it started with hes grandfather and his father pasted it to him. My father droped out of school moved in with his dad and by the time he was 15 he was supporting them both and getting drunk with his father every night became his life.becuse his father wanted. My mother new she didnt want me to grow up  around that so she left my father. My father and I never had a  relationship. I hated him my whole life because I thought some how it was my fault so The last time we talked was 1 1/2 ago. He was drunk and i was tired of it he said some hurtfull things and the last thing i ever told to my father was i hate you and i would care less if you died of A heart attack!!!! I didnt mean it but you can never take words back. September 1 of last year my father died of a heart attack. I did and still do hate my self for it. Ever sents then I can not stop thinkg about death and being so scared of it. I have hurt everyone I love in the last year and Ive almost dropped out of school becuase I let my grades drop so low. I had DREAMS!!! i STILL DO!!! I'm so lost I became the girl I told myself I would never be. I started not going to school, smoking, partying, There was more then once I woke up the next mornig and didnt remember anything. I have A thirteen year old niece who is so pretty andd so smart but she has started to hang out with the wrong kidds I cant even be a good influence for her. I had the perfect boyfriend grew up with him in the neighborhood and he was my jr. high and high school sweet heart. I loved him so much!!!! He is so smart and caring. all together a great kid. he would never smoke do drugs or ever drink. I did and it came between us. this year has been been the worst year of my life!! its no ones fault but mine. I leave for the army in three weeks and I'm so scared im going to fail at that too. I lost my best friend because i COULDNT STOP lieing about everything. i use to go to church and know I dont know if I believe in God. Today is my boyfriends b-day and i ruined it!! My mother talk to my brother that she hasnt talk to in five years and he just got his splin removed. she told me the she was going to go visit him in Sweden over the summer whe i was at bt. I screamed at her because i didnt want her to go with out me and knowing that she is 62 and might not be around much longer. My mother is my best friend if any one  ever hurt  her i would kill them. Im the one that hurt her the most!!! Everything I do is wrong. I dont mean to hurt anyone. Im so lost im always depressed i eat more and i got fatter then ive ever been i dont play sports any more and i dont know any one that has went through this i dont want to talk to my mom she doesnt understand and i dont want to upset her anymore the i already have. I always think about just moving away in 6 months when im 18 so i dont hurt any one anymore. I hate who I am!!! I want to find that fun loving caring girl i used to be when my life made sents. I want my life back. If you know what im talking about please talk to me I feel alone in this.

Nicole,
Hi!
My name is Janet. I am so sorry that you're having a hard time right now. It is NOT your fault that your Dad died. We all say things that we regret later. Unfortunately for you, you are unable to take it back. That doesn't mean though that you should hate yourself for it. Nicole, do you think that you could be subconsciously "punishing" yourself by what you've been up to? Counseling would be a very good idea for you. Something that I do when I'm feeling bad about my past is to pretend that someone else did the exact same thing I did and think about what I'd tell them. I might tell MYSELF that I'm a terrible awful lousy human being, but when I think of someone else in my situation, I'm a lot more reasonable. Maybe you could try this: Pretend that your niece has just done the exact same things you've done. Her Dad is dead and she'd said what you said. Her grades have dropped. She's partying, etc. Would you judge her as harshly as you're judging yourself? What would you say to her? Would you still love her? We are all our own worst critics. I should know. And although my case isn't exactly like yours, I have regrets about my Dad's death...the night that the doctor told Daddy that he was a gravely ill man (in other words, "you're dying"), I felt overwhelmed...After the doctor left the room, Dad looked at me and said, "That doesn't sound too good, does it?" I stood there by his bedside and all I said was, "I am so sorry." I didn't hug him...the bars on the hospital bed were in the way...I should've tried anyhow...when Mom and I left him that night I was thinking of me and Mom. What were WE going to do? He was our sole support. Mom hadn't worked since she was a teenager. So there I was, with my Dad dying, worrying about me and Mom...I should've worried more about him...how he felt. I had a good Dad, Nicole. You didn't. Of course you were hurt and angry at him! He CHOSE his life. He was laying heavy stuff on you, his own flesh and blood, that was still a child, HIS child! He was the irresponsible one. What I'm saying is that whereas your Dad wasn't there for you, mine was...and I still let him down. My Dad died the next day. I'm the one that found him, laying there in the dialysis chair, his eyes still open. I can still see him in my mind's eye...should I hate myself, Nicole? What would I have accomplished by ruining my life? He wouldn't have wanted that. Nicole, you're going to have to cut yourself some slack. Please think about it. Your Mom loves you and I can tell that you love her. You can't undo yesterday, but you can make tomorrow a better day. It will be hard and will take time and no, you'll never completely forget, but things can get better. Take life's reins and go, girl, go!!! And remember, there's no shame in getting professional help to deal with this! Perhaps if your dad had done the same years ago, his life would've been happier and longer. His death, you see, isn't your fault. Take care and know that I'm sincere. HUGS!!!!
janet

Hi Nicole,

The words that you said had nothing to do with your father dying.  You have no power in this way.  You remember them too much.  Your father probably didn't remember them at all if he was drunk at the time.  You are at a difficult age when most people question their self-worth.  When I felt that way at your age it was hard to face anything.  However, I had a poster of a waterfall on my wall.  On it was written, " Life is nothing if not a daring adventure."  Helen Keller said this.  She was deaf and blind from birth and she ended up going around the world giving lectures.  She had so much more to face than anything I went through so thinking of her courage made me take my life in hand. My suggestions are: If you really want to go in the army and are not doing it to escape yourself then I would make a new start today.  I would look in the mirror and OUT LOUD tell my self, " You said things in anger that you did not mean but you are forgiven for that."  Then I would go for a ten minute run to start to prepare for going in the army. (An easy amount of time so no risk of failing!)  Choose something healthy for mealtimes and no snacks today.  Immediately, a positive start has been made and you will feel better. Repeat tomorrow... You were happy when you were sporty before.  Running releases feel good endorphins into your body.  Put a poster on the wall that inspires you.  Just suggestions of things that have helped me.  Hope you feel better soon.        

Hi Nicole,
I hate hearing what you have just wrote, Nicole, yoou are allowed as many friends as you want, no one has the right to control you, and its a dangerous path to tread, my advice, pick your friends over your boyfriend, you deserve much much better, think carefully of your choices here, if your b/f loves you, he would have no need to try and control you, also that behaviour is a good sign that he has some serious issues

ya we've were talking last night andhe was saying he had to watch me change when i was hanging around a few people so i agree with that but then he said i cant hang with any of my friends because they all have their hang ups and he wants me to change and 4 us to be like we used to be. so it has its up and downs. you guys have givien me more true advise then my friends could thank you

Joan
Thanks!!! it means a lot to me

hey nicole! how you doing today? i agree with joan. aa is best thing going. even if you just sit there and don't talk. just keep going everyday and you will see each day you will feel little bit better. you're never too young for aa. it's the best education. take care, brush your hair bucci   Hey bucci,  I have taken the all caps out of your post as this is considered yelling even though this was not your intent.  Just wanted you to know why I have edited...Thank you - Elisha Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/30/2006 9:07:50 AM (GMT-6)

Hey you guys
How is everyone. today was really hard for me becuase i noticed im leaving in fourteen days. the time pasted and im kinda scared. I dont want to fail at this. Its the army. ive never been away from my mother for more then 1 month my whole life she is the reason why ive made it to where i am. well i hope everything is going good for all of you guys if u need some one to talk to im always here.

Hey everyone...thanks for the comments! Im glad the hear that you'all are doing well...I am leaving in twelve days...kind scary and exciting at the same time. Talk to you A.S.A.P.
Nicole