Hi I'm new, and I think I need help.

But Blackxwind, why do you believe their expressions of love and affection to be lies?
Yes, I would've LOVED to have my own family! Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted my own babies to love and nurture! But I was only telling you about it so that you could see that we all often have sad aspects to our lives. It doesn't mean though that our lives are not worth living! And as you said so well, we don't know what the future will bring! I've had times when I really felt like I wanted to die. I thought about suicide also. However, today I am glad that I did not do such an awful thing. Life will always have it's bad times, but when the good times come, they are even sweeter because of it!
I truly believe that you should get medication. If you can get feeling better in some aspects of your life, it will help you cope with the more difficult parts!
Please keep on coming to this site. Talk to us all you want! We are here for you!
HUGS!!!!!!
janet

Hi Blackxwind,
Im happy that you are feeling a little better, and hey your English is Good, i have tried learning different languages, but can only get a few words, and i usually end up biting my tongue trying to get around those words that require a Gymnastic effort.

Behind every lie ever told is a good intention, and we all lie at points in our life, to others, to ourselves, sometimes its to make an impression so that we appear better or stronger than we really are, sometimes its out of not wanting to hurt someone, other times its ignorance, but they all stem from our own fear of something, which tends to come from a soft side of ourselves, its where the use of love in the face of anything negative slowly makes the negative fall away, just the same, staying calm in the face of anger will often make the anger disappear,
Love doesn't require belief, it exists as itself around us, we feel it, and while you say you don't believe anyone who says these things, you exhibit Love within yourself in the words you have written,

6 years ago all the peices of my life got lost too, later i found some peices, mostly things i had long forgotten, but mostly i had to rebuild my life from scratch, 6 years on, and im glad that i did, because the me i thought i was before was only the shell of who i really was, theres a long way to go, but a step at a time, and you start to see a light you can follow in yourself
Courage is always hard to find when you think about it, but as i said in a previous post, once you have taken that step in the right direction, the fear you feel has no ability to confound you, its strength is in you appeasing fear,

Depression is Seen often in the Old Testament, so it is not just a western disease, but it is a condition that is swamping the world, if you need Medication then please find a way to get this help, those who may make you feel guilty about this, if they were in your shoes, they would not hesitate, be kind to yourself, and live as you were intended

Hi, Blackxwind!
Just wanted to say hello and to let you know that I'm thinking of you! :)
I hope you will take brownleaf's advice! He's telling you good advice based on his own experiences, so he understands a lot about how you feel! take care and keep on coming here to the forum!
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
janet

blackxwind said...
Calling me smart? well that is something my parents don't belevie, and so do I .P

the reason i called you smart, because u seem to talk more like an adult. so i think you can solve your problems easily if you put your mind into it, remember no pain no gain. being smart is for you not your parents. the only think that matters is what you think about your self. please don't give up on yourself and be strong. try reading books that helps , or some excersize such as walking or going to the gym.

I am doing fine, I guess, I didn't really talk to my dad from that accident...But I did tell him something too, he said to my sisters that I'm stuiped for hating him, after that my sister told me, so I went to talk him, I totally lost myself..And from that since we hadn't spoke a word to each other.

Hellow Janet,
The accident was when he brought food and I didn't want to eat with them...
My dad is never relaxed he is always Temper and moody, so no point talking to him..!
Oh well..But thank you though =D

Hello brownleaf,
Thank you for the suggestion, I am not really into music, more in Art, I want to be more creative but grr, can't see that happening..
Well, I understand that my dad should take a break and fly to Hawaii or Jamica, I'm seruios because he doens't even want to talk, he thinks we are a germ in his head(I think lol) but at the same time he would miss our talking, I am not syaing that I do, because I don't, I auctally felt much better not talking to him!
He is hiding so many feelings, and whenever he get angry at work, he comes home angry, and just end up shouting at us, all his problems he take it to us...
And I used to be his favorite daughter, I think it was all based on lies...
I am doing fine, because I know there are families out there are much worse than mine, and my problems, and I hope they are going to be fine.

Hi Black,
Why is art not possible, you know there are people who use only natural ingredients to paint, is it a matter of cost,
Many of the great people of this world, those who have created something from nothing, against all odd's, many if not most have done it in spite of someone or something in their lives, climb that mountain of your life, and when you reach the top, you may just look back at all those who caused you to stumble, looking up to you

Hey BlackX,

I'm new to this site and have been reading your posts.  Your young life reminds me a lot of how I felt when I was a kid.  I was really sensitive, but rather than embracing it my parents got annoyed and made fun of me.  I had the same problems communicating with them etc. I remember keeping a diary and ever day writing how I hate my life.   I can even relate to you being afraid to make phone calls. 

Your parents will probably never understand you the way you want them to and really do you really understand you at this point?  BE a friend to yourself.  You are sensitive, so what, that's good in many ways.  Really sensitive people are usually sensitive in many ways, emotionally, physically, hormonally, envoronmentally. When you feel your feelings you probalby feel them much more intensly than most people.  There could be many different reasons why you don't feel good. You could be eating the wrong foods and your blood sugar is low, you could have allergies, your seritonin could be low.   Stick up for yourself. 

To the end of my story, I hated my childhood my mum was verbally abusive and my dad was neglecting.  They were too busy with their own issues to worry about a sensitive kid.  I  was lucky to find some mentors in life, friend's parents, teachers, friends and hang around people who appreciated me.  That is probably what got me through. 

Later I found I had lots of allergies, hypoglycemia both of which can make you feel really tired and cloudy.  Most  recenlty  I've gotten on some med for PMDD.  I was never one for meds, but it's made my life so much better to have normal seritonin level  ;) It also made me realizethat even mild depression can be very devistating. 

All I know is you don't have to suffer. Find someone you can trust to help you.  you can enjoy your life and have much more of that happiness I promise you, and when you do you will love it.  So don't give up on yourself - be your best friend.

  

Oh I guess I got that sensitive part when you said this in your first post:

"And I don't have self-confidence. I get really hurt easily, like if someone said cruel thing to me, I might just cry...My bonding with my family is not strong, "

I think you are feeling things that are out of your control.  Finding this site is progress in finding people who  will help you.  One day you will be a great help to another in need because of your insight I just know it. 

Keep chatting and writing it's a great start

peaceout

Hi blackxwind,  I was just wondering if you have ever asked your father why he is so angry all the time?  Perhaps, he doesn't understand the feelings that his anger is causing in you.  Maybe when he comes home like that and you instead of hiding away just ask him calmly "why are you angry?" or "why are you yelling all the time?".  If you feel that in the moment isn't a good time to do it then wait until things have calmed down a little.  You said that he takes his problems from work and brings it home to you all.  Are you saying that he yells about work stuff to you or he finds stuff at home that isn't right and yells about that?  Either way I would address it with him. 

Hi, Black!

It seems obvious that your dad has a problem that he feels unable to talk about. Unfortunately for you and perhaps the rest of your family, there's probably not much you can do about it. Just know that he probably isn't doing it out of hate for you...he is just angry with things that perhaps he can't even explain to himself. Many people take their anger and fristration out on the others that are innocent. For example: The employer yells at the man, the man comes home and yells at his wife, the wife yells at her child and the child kicks the dog. It's a vicious cycle sometimes. If you can just accept that you can't change him, but you can change yourself, you'll be more contented with your life. We often have to find happiness in little things. Listen to the birds singing, watch the sunrise, cuddle a baby, pet a dog. Call someone that might like to know that someone is thinking about them. Volunteer to help others, maybe at a hospital or a home for the elderly. If you think about it, I'm sure you can think of things to do that will take your mind off of your own problems for a little while.   You haven't got anything to lose by at least trying, do you?

Keep coming here too! You sound better now than when you first started posting here! That's good news!

HUGS!!!

janet