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Posted 5/19/2006 10:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone, I'll give you a brief overview of my situation.  My bf of 4 years is suffering from major depression & has been going through his current episode for the past 2 years.  During these past 2 years, he has tried breaking up with me numerous times because he "doesn't love me anymore" (a symptom I hear is common with depressed people).  But then he'll tell me he thinks he loves me so we stay together & try to get through it.  It's been a nightmare of a rollercoaster ride for him as well as me. 

We had the most perfect & beautiful relationship before his depression started.  We were best friends, soulmates--as close as 2 people could ever be.  We even talked about marriage.  But since his depression started, we have just gone downhill.  He has been suicidal and has tried numerous meds over the past 2 years (effexor, paxil, welbutrin, risperdal,celexa & now currently on remeron & lamictal).  Nothing has worked so far.  Depression has torn us apart & I feel like I don't even know who he is anymore--he's a cold, uncaring stranger to me.  He says he doesn't know what it's like to feel things anymore except hurt & pain.  He's distant, cold, mean & disrespectful to me--definitely NOT the man I fell in love with.

Well, this past week we finally decided to end it.  He keeps telling me it hurts him to be around me (whatever that means) and that he needs to be on his own to get better.  Also, right now he says he doesn't think he loves me--this from the man who used to tell me I was his everything and loved me more than I ever thought was possible.  Now, it seems like he couldn't care less about me. 

Anyways, here comes my question.  Have any of you who are depressed left the love of your life because you "didn't think you loved them anymore", then regretted it when you came out of your depressive episode?  Do you feel that love again when you start to feel emotions again?  Do you see that you made a mistake?

Any feedback would be GREATLY appreciated!

 

Posted 5/20/2006 1:08 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Ya,
There is sometimes a guilt factor involved with these sorts of conditions, maybe he feels his depression is hurting you, and his attempts not to, cause him to get frustrated, alone and at some point angry at you, i know for myself, though i don't believe i suffered much in comparrison to many here, i didn't want to be around anyone, i didnt want to talk about it, or percieve someone pitying me or not understanding,
As for the last question, i left the love of my life and regreted it, still regret it 26 years later, but i wasn't at all depressed at the time, so i can't answer that one, hopefully someone else may be able to relate with this.
Posted 5/20/2006 5:27 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Brown & Ate,

"There is sometimes a guilt factor involved with these sorts of conditions, maybe he feels his depression is hurting you, and his attempts not to, cause him to get frustrated, alone and at some point angry at you"

This is sooooo true. This is pretty much why he told me he can't be with me. It's killing me to watch the man I love go through this & not be able to help him. But I am going to respect his wishes to back off & give him space. I will maintain casual contact with him and keep things light. I just hope he can find some kind of relief soon. I do believe that he stills loves me deep down but just can't feel it right now. I am hoping that with the right treatment, he will "come back" to me.

Thanks again for the responses.
Posted 5/20/2006 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
First of all, welcome to HW sad-ex!

I agree with brownleaf and atedogs that he may be suffering guilty feelings. I always feel like breaking up with my fiance too. I dont want to hurt him with my depression. I don't want to drag him together into my hell. I rather suffer alone.
I also agree with atedogs that you should check up on him sometimes to make sure he's doing fine.
Sorry i can't say much for now. You can always email me if you have anything to ask. Take care.
Posted 5/20/2006 8:33 PM (GMT 0)
Hi sad ex,  I am sorry I am late in replying but I see that you have have some wonderful responses from our veteran members.  I just wanted to say that depression can distort a person's feelings and emotions.  I walked out on my marriage after four and half years we were together for eleven total.  I cant say if he was the love of my live as I am in my early 30's and I may still met someone but he was certainly the closest to it.  I sounds like your decision to step back and give him time and space is a wise choice for now.  To try to continue to have a relationship with him when he is unsure of his feelings for you is only going to aggravate the situation and his depression even further.  Once he has his space and realizes that you did respect that hopefully he will be able to resolve the internal conflicts that he is feeling with your relationship.  Good luck and take care ~ Elisha

Posted 5/23/2006 10:30 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there

I also joined this site through worry for my boyfriends depression but he is in the early stages, I have only seen him depresssed for a few months and he won't go to the docs for help.

I understand what it's like to be told it's over, then it's not. My b'f says he tells me to go because he thinks it's what I want and I'm only staying through pity. Says he's never felt loved before, even as a child so can't imagine how I could love him so much or want to be with someone so miserable.

It's harder isn't it when you know how well you 2 can get on, all the good times you've had and plans you made that now look like they'll never happen.

If another man disrespected me like my b'f does I'd walk out but I feel like I'm proving him right that 'everybody leaves eventually'..'nothing good lasts forever'.

He pushes me away and I used to pay him even more attention thinking thats what he really wanted, keeping him busy so not to have time for depressing thoughts. But now as hard as it is I'm learning to back off yet be there if he wants to call or see me.

Can I ask you sad_ex, although I know it's awful that you 2 have split up, did you ever feel sorry for yourself about deserving more happy times? It frustrates me, I feel like life is just passing us by because my b'f is wasting days that we could be enjoying so much, maybe it's just because I'm new to all this or a bit selfish.

Lyndsey
Posted 5/23/2006 2:48 PM (GMT 0)
Lynds,
Yes, in some ways, I DID feel sorry for myself. ESpecially in the beginning before I knew how to deal with his depression. It was a very hard adjustment to go from a "perfect" relationship to one where I felt unloved & unwanted. Once I learned how to deal with his depression, I was ok. I was willing to wait for 'the light at the end of the tunnel'. But as time went on, things just got worse and I found myself feeling sorry for myself once again. I know he has an illness and that is the reason why things went wrong, but when someone keeps pushing you away with all their might, it starts to get to you after awhile. I started thinking, "depression or no depression, I deserve better." And it is NOT selfish to want more for yourself. Right now, my bf feels that he cannot handle being in a relationship with me (not that we HAD a real relationship in the past year) and although it hurts, I realize that it is the best thing for us right now. BOTH of us. What we had was not healthy for either of us. I miss the "old" him terribly and I pray that he finds the right meds and starts to feel like himself again. Maybe when that day comes, he will remember the life we used to have.

You will probably hear this lots (I sure have) but it's true--you MUST take care of yourself. It is so easy to let yourself be dragged down by another's depression. And if you can't help yourself be strong, how are you gonna be strong for him? Do not think that your thoughts are selfish. Remember that YOU are a wonderful person who is deserving of love & affection--and HAPPINESS. I'm not saying that you won't be happy with your bf-- I hope everything works out---I'm just saying to not forget about YOU during all of this.

I hope this helps! By the way, there is a wonderful message board for us "depression fallout" victims (those of us in a relationship with a depressed person). It is great to talk to people who are going through the same things as you.

Best Wishes!

 

Sorry!! but I had to edit out the link to the website you posted per forum rules and guidelines #4 of not promoting other online forums. Please review the forum rules before posting.  Thank you ~ Elisha

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/23/2006 10:50:52 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/23/2006 3:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, i'm not married nor have i bin in love or marrage i'm 33 and i am afraid if i get married my wife would not be happy with my deppresion so any plans to find someone special are shatered for me
Posted 5/23/2006 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Akram

I've only seen my b'f like this for a relatively short while but it's clear now he's suffered for many years knowing some of the things he's been through. If he'd have been honest about it and had already started doing something about it, as you obviosuly have, I would have still gone into the relationship.

My frustration is that he WILL NOT face the problem head on and I feel a bit kidded by him. I was ill for a long time before I met him and its a really big deal telling anyone about it and how it still affects me. All that time he had what now seem bigger problems and never felt he could tell me.

I think as long as you're straight with any potential partner you meet you'll be just fine.

Lyndsey
Posted 5/24/2006 2:10 AM (GMT 0)
I live with my wife who suffers from depression and I can only say space is good for her but in the same sense she appreciates when I do go in and check on her when she is down and out in one of her states,I know it is a little different for you girls but as stated my wife has told me when she comes out of the depreesed state that it means so much just knowing that I am still here and care ,and respect her for needing to be alone ....but this is what I do it may not work for all .
I could have walked away many times and not turned back but love is a powerful thing and I love my wife dearly and just want to help however I can .I am going thru the sickness and bad of our vows now ,hopefully we will win this battle ,but if not I will always be here for her .sorry for the rant here just a bad nite and I am writing feeling down now so ....
Posted 5/26/2006 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
My Mom also had mental illness and since I am 60 years old, you can imagine the treatment back then in the 50's and early 60's. I also have the problem but tg not as bad. If your husband is psychotic he definitely needs professional help. My psychotic I mean hearing voices, paranoia etc. If not, you should be very supportive and let him take the lead if he needs space but then be there for him to fall back on. This is what my husband did for me and I love him eternally for it. Usually the mentally ill are relatively easy to live with as they usually don't drink or drug or act violently. That was the case for my Mom and also is my case. Unfortunately, my Mom was psychotic and had to be hospitalized but I love her to this day.
I can only pray and send good vibrations your way in the hopes that all will be well with you and yours.
Posted 6/11/2006 1:26 PM (GMT 0)
My husband of almost 9-years said that he wanted a divoce. I thought we were happy and would tell everyone so and how wonderful he was. I admitted to me that he had an affair. I just found out that he told our 5-year-old that "daddy did a bad thing and so he doesn't deserve to be married to mommy anymore." I filed for divorce becasue I thought that was what he wanted but now I am wondering it it was depression talking. At the one session of counseling that we went to our pastor suggested taht he was depressed and he denied it saying that he was happy doing things with this other woman and playing lazer tag. They have been together a month. Last week we went to the movies together, planted a tree together, he started a yard project and now he is moved out. What can I do? Can a depressed person be happy sometimes and not others? Please help I still love him very much and don't want a divorce!!
Posted 6/11/2006 2:02 PM (GMT 0)
eyes  Hi my name is Krista, I guess I would kind of be in your boyfriends shoes in this siuation. I have severe depression, and I loved my boyfriend very much, we were together for six years.My depression had worsened over those years.like you said we are soul mates and it surely was meant to be. But he was not here for me emotionally and he also has depression that he won't admit to. and is an alcholic. I had to decide what to do . get better and heal myself or go down hill with him. I miss him more than anything and it's very hard when we see each other, it hurts. He wants to get back together but I know in my heart until he deals with his problems it will never change. so I do try to avoid him, because it hurts me so. I don't know if this helps you any , but sometimes we need to get better on our own , maybe this is what he is thinking. Hang in there , lots of love Krista
Posted 6/12/2006 2:02 PM (GMT 0)

 

I am fortunate to have been on both sides of this situation. Lynds, Your BF probably won't face his problem until he is ready to do so. I have had mild depression since I was 17, and only as am I nearing 25, feel like I am ready to fight it head on. It seems from your post that you've gotten help, and that's great! However, he needs to be ready to help himself. My brother suffers from a lot of the same symptoms as I, and at 23, still refuses to get help even though he sees the difference its made in my life. My parents urged me to see a therapist and to get some medical help for the past 7 years, but in the end, the person the disease is affecting the most has to make the decision. I'm also struggling with being happy with myself, so that I can be happy in a relationship. I spent a lot of time believing that I needed to be in a relationship to be happy, but I know now, that that is not the case. I hope this helps!

Posted 6/13/2006 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
Two years of this? Let it go see if it comes back and during the time in between examin you'r own feelings.
That or do what you'r doing. I have no real experience in this so that is the first thing that comes to mind.
hope things improve for you
rj
Posted 6/20/2006 6:00 PM (GMT 0)

Hi, I am in the same position as the rest of you ladies... My boyfriend and I were amazing friends, closer than either of us ever have been to anyone else, inseparable (through BOTH of our choices), but still with a healthy balance of seeing other friends too... we were insanely happy (again, happier than either of us ever were before we met), truly in love, simply perfect. We laughed the whole time, but were still able to have deep and meaningul conversations. Sounds pretty perfect, eh?

He has had problems for a few years, he first became depressed 2 years ago and since then he lost his father suddenly. He bottled it all up, and didn't grieve at all until half a year later when he was with me (and even then it wasn't that much so I'm sure there's some left inside him). Anyway, he was GENUINELY happy since we got together, really not suffering any effects of depression, his mood was a constant happiness for a month and a half at very least. But after that, he started to get down. He did a few things to me (breaking promises, swearing lies on my life, that kinda thing) which I got over fine, only he didn't. He felt more and more guilty and it was bringing him down on some level, although overall he was still very happy, and was ENTIRELY happy with the relationship. We were immensely close, so he always talked to me about everything he was feeling about it. Then suddenly, one day, he came back from work completely numb emotionally aside from extreme despair. He ended up crying for hours (he's really not the type to cry easily) and said he felt there was no point in life, he really hated himself, etc, and that he felt absolutely nothing for me. I talked him into staying until the next morning, to try and be friends the next day and see how it went. Then, the next morning, somehow we got it all back - he woke up feeling empty still, in fact moreso than the day before, but somehow we ended up laughing and we had the best day of both of our lives together, closer than ever, literally crying with joy and relief that we had it all back after the fear of the night before. He said we'd be together for eternity, we talked about marriage and our future kids. We made amazing plans for the coming weekend, his birthday weekend, and it was all great. Life was wonderful. He wrote himself a letter for the next day, saying how happy he was and how perfect we were, just in case he had another 'crisis' again the next day. He also wrote me a letter, saying "I can't believe it. I can't believe I've gone and done it again! Just after I thought it was impossible, I've gone and got a new best memory!" then lots of "I love you"s. So I'm pretty sure you're getting the message - everything was going well. It was amazing. That night, after he got home from my house, he phoned me and we talked for an hour, as happily as ever. Then we said goodnight and he went to write that letter to me that I mentioned before. Then he phoned me again, as a surprise, to say goodnight again because he loved me so much. Things were wonderful.

The next morning, he woke up feeling nothing. Literally. And he hasn't been the same person since. He broke up with me that day because he felt nothing towards me (or anything else). Ever since, he has been bitter and unkind towards me. Completely cold, and he snaps at everything I say. He treats me like an enemy because he knows I don't want him to pretend there's nothing wrong (which is his usual escape - exactly what he did when he lost his dad, just literally acted like he'd never existed). If I stay around, trying to talk to him lots so we can keep our closeness in case he gets better or gets emotional and needs me, he gets more and more angry with me. In his words, he dislikes me right now. But if I give him the space he wants, he'll do what he always does and pretend there's nothing wrong, hide away, isolate himself and never recover. Plus, from a selfish point of view, what's left between us (cos he still loves me, he's just suppressing it, it's a matter of days since he couldn't stop telling me how much he loves me) would slowly fade away if we stopped talking, if I wasn't there trying to help him. I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart, but he desperately needs guidance (as he admits mostly, he doesn't know what's going on in his head, and he needs somebody to give him advice) and also needs space. There's no way to know how to balance it. He never wants anybody around (and not just cos he's scared of hurting them, he literally prefers solitude atm) so it's not as though I should wait for him to want someone to talk to cos it won't happen. I'm completely lost. So lost. What should I do?

By the way, he's now been diagnosed properly with depression and referred to a psychiatrist, but he thinks he deserves to be ill and doesn't want to accept the help he's being offered (I had to force him to see a doctor and if I keep doing that he'll hate me for good).

Please help me. I love him, and I know he's still in there underneath. You should see the video he made me the really happy day (the day before he went permanently cold) about how he still loved me and how, if he went cold again like he has, he would still love me, even if he wasn't feeling it. I have no idea what to do. I can't lose him. Please help me somebody. Maybe when he's had some help, IF he accepts it, he'll be fine and he'll be himself again. But how do I convince him to accept this help, when he's 100% sure it won't work, and that he deserves to feel this way? And how should I act around him in the meantime, before he's sorted? Because whatever I do is wrong, and he's treating me so cruelly.

Please. Help me. I'm desperate.

Emma

Posted 6/20/2006 7:05 PM (GMT 0)
well emma. i am a very depressed woman and i have and still do behave like your bf,it is hard to explain why we behave the way we do.I push peple away mainly because i dont want to be hurt i also (and this sounds bad) carnt be bothered it is to much of an effort sometimes to even talk to anyone, i think we just crawl into a little bit of our world to lick our wounds.I do pop out occasionally but still do not want a relationship,i dont want to put my pain on to anyone else.I am on meds and this helps but doesnt make it go away.If your bf is being cruel to he doesnt mean it you are just the nearest thing to lash out at, i bet he regrets it later and i think you have to be prepared that he may never be the same person even if he does come out of it an experience like this changes a person i know.I dont allways like how i have become.I dont mean this to be all doom and gloom im jusy being realistic.hope things do get better for you, both.lobxx
Posted 6/20/2006 10:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi... yeah i'd like to think you're right but at the moment he isn't feeling anything at all, including regret, so he doesnt' regret how he's treating me. You're right, he may not come out of this the same, but a few days ago he was fine so i know there's still hope, it hasn't been serious for long, so he may still be in there. I need him back, i've never loved before him. Not properly. I can't give up on him, cos the person he was is far too good a person to ever risk losing forever. At the moment though i feel like i'm grieving. The - thing - he's being now, that isn't my boyfriend. He's literally a COMPLETELY different person. The guy i loved has officially been killed off completely, even if only temporarily. I need to know how to help him find himself again whilst not making him hate me by stopping him from avoiding the issue entirely. I'm really scared.
Posted 6/20/2006 11:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Emma,  It looks from your post that you two have been together for about a year and half, is this correct?  That is quite a bit of time to get to know someone and their personality differences.  Depression can be very sneaky, someone can have it and slowly start to show symptoms over a long period of time until one day everything builds up and breaks.  Unfortunately, I really don't see much that you can do to help him or your relationship.  My advice would be to perhaps try stepping back some.  I am not saying totally or breaking up with him, but just giving him a little bit of space to sort out his thoughts and feelings, you state that "at the moment he isn't feeling anything at all"  but I bet you he is feeling more stuff then he is letting on.  I wouldn't push too much on the relationship aspect with him right now, as he is obviously trying to distance himself in that area but, to remain a constant friend and support system for him.  Of course you should still try to encourage him to get to his doctor appointments and take care of the things he needs to if this is a problem (sometimes it is with people who have Depression) but do so gently.  It is very common for people with depression to push the ones they love away and yes, they even can do so in cruel ways if they feel the real need to be on their own and protect themselves and their feelings.  I have also done this.  I have been dealing with depression for many years and do take medication for it.  It isn't something I'm real proud of and I often can look back and think of it as some kind of demon or something of the sort has taken over my body and mouth; I can say some pretty hurtful things.  Lob is right though and you appear to be the nearest person for him to lash out at, it doesn't make it right but just is.  Please do feel free to continue to post here this site is a wonderful place for information and support.  Take care
Posted 6/28/2006 10:52 AM (GMT 0)
oh sad you took me back i got so depressed when my 1st love and i split up was with her from when i was 16 to 20 i was devistated i have a daughter to her who i don't get to see since she was turnin 3 we had the best relationship i think of her still and we split up in 99 i'll never get her outta my mind i like to be in love that's somethin i will relly miss but i hope you get better god bless you and take care i think you'll be fine
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