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Introducing myself and questions about grieving

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Posted 6/20/2006 9:56 PM (GMT 0)

Hi everyone, I just came across this website by chance and I thought it might be suitable for me as I have just undergone my first bout of severe depression and started on prozac and having counselling which I never thought would be something I required. I know everyone here must have experienced or known someone close to them to have depression but it has come as such a shock to me to find myself so debillitated by it. I'm a 38 year old man, have a good job but the past month and a half have been hell for me. Basically, my mother died before christmas last year, not unexpectedly, but still difficult for me and my siblings to deal with and my 80 year-old father wont even mention her name hardly now. Then in early May my partner decided we should finish. I just went to pieces. I have been signed off work by my doctor with anxiety and depression and started taking prozac just over 1 month ago. Initially I was taking diazepam as well to sleep but they took me off that after a couple of weeks. My bleak moods have persisted for most of the month and was worst when associated with alcohol which I am now avoiding. I don't know precisely why I am so bad and whether I am grieving for my mother or my ex or some kind of combination of both. The last couple of days I think the prozac may finally beginning to kick in but still massively insecure and not really up to meeting with friends or intersted in things I used to enjoy. Anyway thanks for listening.

Posted 6/20/2006 10:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hi londonscot,  I just wanted to welcome you to Healing Well forum.  I hope you do continue to post here as this is a wonderful place to get information and support from real people who are going through or have gone through the same experiences.  I sounds as if you have had a lot of emotional things to deal with within a short period of time and of course this can bring about depression and anxiety.  It usually takes 4-6 weeks for an antidepressant to reach what is commonly known as its therapeutic level in your body, where it reaches its full effect.  Since your coming up to a month on Prozac it is going to be real important to communicate with your physician if you do start to have any recurrent problems with your depression (since your starting to feel better).  Please know we are always here...take care
Posted 6/21/2006 10:57 AM (GMT 0)
Hi londonscott, my name is Krista, hang in there, the meds will help. but the counseling is good for you to. Don't keep it all bottled yp inside, because believe me it will find it's way out in the future.  I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my sister when I was only 9, my Parents packed up us kids, moved out of the house and more or less it was taboo to discuss her anymore. Now if that's not enough to mess up a kid. But to get too my point, my favorite aunt just died of cancer ilast october, I loved her so much, she was always there for me, I loved her like a mother. I've been having depression problems again since then. But your right, I'm depressed and crying and I don't know if it's about my aunt, my ex, my sister from long ago that I was not allowed to properly morn. It's all connected. about your dad, every deals with their grief in different ways or not at all (like my parents). I wish you all the best. like els said keep up with the meds and keep talking to your counselor and your friends, including us here. sincerly, Krista
Posted 6/21/2006 2:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hiya and again, welcome to hw, there are good people here that will listen and help. I remember loosing my dad awhile back, and it was so hard that in itself was enough to deal with, but when other things get piled on top of that.....it can be a disaster. my anxiety and depression started after he passed away, of course that wasnt all that happened, like you, to many bad things at once. I wish you well, and i agree with them, take your meds and talk to someone. I am not lucky enough to get counceling, but a few good friends have helped lots, so im sure it would help tremendously. Good luck and keep us posted
shell
Posted 6/21/2006 5:15 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks Elisha, Krista and Shell for the welcome and for the kind and supportive words you've given me. It is much appreciated. Thanks also for the advice regarding medication and the counselling and I am taking your views on board. I'm sorry also for all your losses as well but strangely, it is good to hear from others who appreciate the cumulative effects of grief and relationship loss can have on your sense of self. I'm trying not to keep things bottled up inside my consellor also recognised this in me and she has given me some pointers to how to deal with my emotions when I'm at a low ebb. Today has strangely been tough for me since I felt OK the past two days, I feel myself obsessing about my ex and then feeling guilty about my not thinking about my mother and feel a downward spiral of thoughts about the futility of my being but, although I have had these thoughts, I haven't self harmed and have called relevant organisations (Im in UK) whenever I have felt I am getting close to really negative thoughts. Part of the problem for me, I am aware, is that I thought I had met the love of my life and we had no major problems in our relationship but I think my depression after losing my mother was just to much to deal with. Its the fear of being on my own and not having a real closure I think that is holding me down but just when I think its getting easier here come the self-critical thoughts and perceptions, my mind starts racing and I feel I am back to square one. Anyway thanks for letting me sound off again. Scot

Posted 6/21/2006 8:33 PM (GMT 0)

Scot, please don't be self-critical.  Loss is extremely hard to deal with.  I lost my dad 13 years ago but not yet my mum.  It was very hard to deal with Dad dying but I dread Mum going too.  On top of that loss you have had to break with your closest soul-mate.  It is no wonder that you are struggling.  I think coming up to 40 is a difficult age anyway and our confidences are not at their highest.  Hang in there and don't be afraid to let your emotions out even if its only in private or with your counsellor.  They say time heals and it does but at times like this time seems so slow!

   

Posted 6/22/2006 10:31 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there and Welcome ......I too lost a child at 6 yrs old and then just this past 3 months my Mom ....I am grieving all the time as Jennifer said ..it is part of my life ..some days are better than others but it is always there in the back of your head..........Kudos to you for getting on here and telling your story ....this is a great support system and all the peeps are here to help when then can ...if you need to talk my email is there as well ....take care and Post often ...God Bless.Lyn
Posted 6/23/2006 4:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hiya scot, i just wanted to say i hope your feeling better, loosing a soul mate is almost as hard as a death. It took me 5 years to have closure from my marriage, its completely diff situation, but the feelings are still there to hurt. I am much better, and greif, well that comes and goes for a lifetime. Loosing a parent is sooooooooo difficult, but jennifer and lyn, im sorry i cant imagine loosing a child, that i would not recover from..... but im sorry I will quit rambling sorry......have a good day.
shell
Posted 6/24/2006 2:32 PM (GMT 0)
Danny was such a beautiful boy.

Love Sea 2
Posted 6/24/2006 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
Jennifer, i did go look and saw every pic, you are very strong and he was very beautiful.....god bless, and take care,
shell
Posted 6/25/2006 6:09 AM (GMT 0)
I am sorry for your loss...the tragic loss of our gracious Mother 6years still carries on today...you would think we could atleast get over the grief..but no my family still fights over it and our father wont even mention her name..she was 57 and died in back surgery Jan 4, 2000.  I deal with depression all the time.  I have recently come off Lexapro as that caused me suicide thoughts...currently I just cry all the time..not sure what to do.  I cry at the drop of a hat!   I try to get out and walk..but broke my shoes so walked barefoot and messed up my feet..I live in Phoenix and it isnt cool here right now.  Best of luck

Jodi

Posted 6/27/2006 6:08 AM (GMT 0)

LONDONSCOT-  Welcome to the website.  There is no easy way around it-grieving sucks.  I always like to think of it this way It is easier to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  Your ex may not be your ex in the future the person may come back to you.  The time apart will make the person see that they need you and miss you.  I don't know the whole story-maybe it is a good thing that you broke up. 

I lost my father when I was 23.  He had his 3rd stroke and it was induced by an asthma attack.  He meant the world to me.  He showed me what love is and was an excellent father.  Losing him could have been even worse if he was an estranged Dad that only showed up a few times a year to visit.  Then I would be wondering what he was like, if he loved me, why our parents split up etc..  But he was with our family he loved my mother they were the perfect couple and I had a great upbringing.  He died knowing how I felt about him.  My Mom needed me to be strong and help her with the funeral arrangements.  Yes I cried I cried for days but only when I was alone or with my brothers.  Never around my Mom.  When it came time for the viewing and burial I was a complete wreck.  We did talk about my Dad and we still do to this day.  I think that helps a lot.  It's been 12 years now and not until just last year was I able to tell a friend about my dad without crying.  The hard times for me every year were his birthday because I walk the aisles of Hallmark looking through the cards and seeing which one I'd choose for him.  Father's day of course, and the day he died.  I go to his gravesite when I am home and always bring him a pinwheel.  Thanks for letting me share my story with you.  I hope in some small way it helps you find comfort. 

It doesn't happen overnight and you never really get over the loss.  But it should get easier with time.  I wish you well.  I can't tell you how it touched my heart to hear a grown man tell his grief over the loss of his mother.  In this day and age men act as if they can't show their emotions as if it is a sign of weakness.  I find that it shows strength compassion and a true example of unconditional love.  What you and your mother had was special, be thankful for your wonderful relationship. It will only make you a better friend, lover, brother,father,person to have in this world.  The love we are shown from our parent(s) is one of the cornerstones as to how we love another.  Peace to you, krocks

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