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depressed partner

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Posted 6/24/2006 9:40 PM (GMT 0)
 My partner of 3 1/2 years just told me his hearts not in this, and wants to end our relashionship.

We were suppose to move in together this summer and join families. I know he is depressed, he recently walks around like a zombie and doesn't remember all the good time we shared. I am dieing inside and he just doesn't feel a thing. He can't explain his feelings, all he can say is I can't keep hurting you like this. I know he did love me, how could it all change so quickly, without any cause? I don't know what to tell my children, they were looking forward to being a family. 

Posted 6/25/2006 12:27 PM (GMT 0)
Wen
When someone is depressed,they do not feel that they are worthy of happiness. They do not feel that they are good enough for anyone.
You can do everything right,but that dark cloud that surrounds his brain and heart will not lift on it's own.
I am sorry this is happening to you.
If you love him,give him space but do not give up on him.
Maybe become his friend for now. Suggest he gets help,even suggest going with him to the doctor if he wants.
But,I will tell you from experience of being on the depressed end, do not push. You could easily send him over the edge.
People forget that depression is an illness. It is not something that a person just decides to be. I believe it is something that comes on after years of fighting it.
As far as your kids, I would choose my words carefully. You do not want them to think ill of this man if there is a chance that things could work out in the long run. Maybe tell them that you want to make sure that you all are happy,and so you are taking some time off.
Love is worth waiting for. And the old saying of "If you set it free........" comes to mind.
Keep your head up,and remember that this is a long dark road for him and he has to come to terms with his illness,and a friend is always in need at times like this............
Posted 6/25/2006 1:56 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your time. I am trying so hard to stay emotionally up. I start to wonder if it's me that is depressed at times.

But I will keep trying because even if I have lost him as a partner, I don't think I could bear losing him as my friend.

I have asked him to see someone before ending our relashionship, I said "I know you love me and I do not think this is about us, I think your depressed and this won't go away on it's own. You owe me yourself and the children at least that much, to try after 3 1/2 years. If after seeing someone you still feel it's over okay, but I still want you as a frind." He promissed he would call someone Friday, but as of today he has not called me. Friday I emailed him a list of provides who specialized in depression and asked him to keep his promise. I just don't know how much to push or back off, I'm afraid if I let go too much I will lose him forever.

Posted 6/25/2006 11:27 PM (GMT 0)
Is it best to act like this isn't hurting me?

I will do what ever it takes to keep him as a friend.

What should I, and shouldn't I say?

How many days do I go without calling, please help?

Posted 6/26/2006 3:22 AM (GMT 0)

My wife suffers like your partner and it took awhile for her to get back on track ,but all i can say is if he does g to a doc they can help,they have helped us ,the right meds can do wonders ,tell him you love him ,call him but in the same sense give him space ...its hard to do but its like shy said "If you set it free ......."

I hope all works out for you

J

Posted 6/26/2006 10:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hi wen,  I just wanted to take a moment to welcome you to healing well forum.  I see you have received some excellent advice from some of our veteran members.  Depression is a terrible illness to have to suffer with and it does effect every who is around that person also.  You may want to try to get him to see a counselor or physician who can prescribe an antidepressant if he would take it, which would help greatly.  Depression is completely treatable with the proper treatment and management.  It is also common for someone who has depression to push people away, I have also done this with my husband (now ex) and friends.  You are more then welcome to continue to post here, you can find lots of information from people who are going through it and also support, everyone here is just wonderful.  Please do let us know how it goes.  Take care.
Posted 6/26/2006 11:56 AM (GMT 0)
Wen
I wish I could tell you what to say. I can't,but I will tell you that for YOU,I would not pretend.
Don't mask your feelings as that is not fair to you. Pretending to be someone you are not is not healthy at all.
I would let him know how much this is hurting you,maybe that will help him in his decision to get help.
There is not a rule book on what to say to a depressed person. And at this point I am sure he is filled with guilt and feeling unworthy that anything you say that you think may be wrong he has probably already said to himself.
I would not smother him,but call him at least every other day. Just to ask how he is,and make sure he knows that if he needs to talk that you are available at anytime.
If he knows you are there for him,hopefully he will let his guard down and tell you what is going on inside of him.Men are so different than women though...they tend to try to act so tough as that is what they think the world expects them to be.
Posted 6/28/2006 11:41 PM (GMT 0)
 

Thank you everyone for your advice.

 

I was truly a wreck feeling I lost my best friend.

I wrote him an email yesterday asking him how he was doing, then went on to tell him how bad I was doing without him, and If I lost him as a boyfriend I would have to except that but losing him as a friend was too much. I asked if he could give me a call that night. To my surprise I got a response within minutes saying yes he would call me.

When we spoke I said I was willing to take this slow, stop talking about marriage and moving in together, and just try to work on our friendship for now and see what happens. I was honest and said I want more but I not willing to give up on everything, I just can’t handle losing him.  He agreed to stay together and said that he did call and make an appointment with a counselor but first he has to see his primary physician.

 

The problems in our relationship are his withdrawing from everyone, needing multiple weekends to him self, turning off phones and not returning calls. This is very hard to cope with when we live 2 1/2 hours away from each other and are only time together is weekends. He is not just withdrawing from me but also his daughter. In the past he had spent almost every single weekend with all of us together for the last 3 1/2 years.    I will keep working on this to bring him back around, I know in my heart if I can it will be worth the entire heart ache.

 

Thanks for all of your support!!

 

Posted 6/30/2006 12:49 AM (GMT 0)
Wen it sounds like you are on the right track. And I will say it again,him admitting that he needs to see a counsler and then actually making the appointment is HUGE!
It is his first step in healing,and I hope he realizes(if not today then someday) how lucky he is to have you by his side through this.
I wish you the best of luck.
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