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I think I'm getting paranoid.

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Posted 6/28/2006 2:28 PM (GMT 0)

Yes. i think im paranoid. im paranoid of him lying on me. cheating on me. leaving me. It drives me crazy. I was not like this before. i know Im getting too much on him, I mean Im smothering him more and more each day. i know im trespassing his privacy, gone too pushy on him. but i cant help it. I really cant help it. The thoughts are beyond my control. the moodswings are unpredictable. All i know is, whatever feeling Im having now, it will change sooner or later. How can i expect him to keep loving me like this? My paranoia is causing me extreme jealousy. And it's killing me together with the relationship.

I can feel my suicidality tendency is getting higher. I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm angry. I feel guilty. I feel bad for being and feeling like this. But i cant help it!!

Am I really getting paranoid? Or it's just my BPD (borderline personality disorder)? I need some motivating words to keep me alive on track. some lines to make me feel alive. Just tell me to stay alive. Please, I'm losing myself each day....

Posted 6/28/2006 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hi mysts,  What I am going to say comes from many years of working in the mental health field, and have many clients (patients) who had BPD and also dual diagnoses.  You need to call your doctor ASAP and let him know what is going on with you.  I have seen this time and again where it is very difficult to get the right combination of medications for someone who has this type of disorder.  It is extremely difficult to treat and often takes many medication changes before you find the exact ones that are going to work for you.  This is why it is imperative that you communicate with you doctor as to what is going on with you and be as proactive with your mental health as possible.  We are always here for you to lend support and advice.  Hang in there, it will get better.  Hugs to you...
Posted 6/28/2006 9:44 PM (GMT 0)
hay mysts
Im sorry to hear you feel like that. does your partner know you feel like this?
If you smother each other how do you expect your relationship to grow.
it is difficult, that is why my last relationship ended. and im to afraid to get into another..because you turn into this green eyed monster, and you dont feel at all like yourself.
I hope it all works out for you.
J
Posted 7/3/2006 12:03 PM (GMT 0)
thanks guys for the reply. really appreciate it.

guess it's true that it's not the real me. Coz it feel's like i'm watching a drama of myself. my fiance said I can control myself if I really want to. I tried but still i feel helpless about my feelings. It's like watching a film. you want the story to happen the other way but you cant do nothing coz you can just watch it as how it has been filmed. Sorry, i know it's confusing to talk about this way but Im really is not good at expressing my feelings.

I have stopped seeing my doc since march. i stopped taking medication too coz i think they're not helping at all. i told my doc about it but he only sent me to a counsellor which i think is useless coz i feel sick of the same 'positive lecture' everytime.

At this time, when Im posting this reply Im feeling ok as maybe the olanzapine i took last night slows me down. It makes me feel weak and sleepy. So any feeling that I have is not as overwhelmiong as usual. Anyway, the olanzapine is not mine. It's friend's meds (she has bipolar). i know it's wrong but that's the only thing i can take to control me and make me feel better. I would rather spend all my time sleeping rather than fighting with my fiance. And of course, my fiance is upset coz i take a meds that is not meant for me.

I will be going for my final year uni registration this july 6th. i feel scared of the new semester. I already took 2 semester/ 1 year study leave as I cant concentrate on my study as my feelings were not that stable yet. I was supposed to graduate last month. Thinking about the days I will have this coming semester makes me really scared. The tension and stress and study pressure really frighten me. I cant take the olanzapine as I need energy for the classes. Worse, my i will be alone to face all the stress as my fiance will leave for his offshore duty soon. I'm so scared.

my fiance agreed that i should see my doc and give meds another chance. so i guess i will in this few days if not tomorrow. I just worry that I might abuse the meds again coz i have the intention to do so. I know I am being pathetic. It's just, Im stupid and not strong enough to fight the negative thoughts and impulses in me.
Posted 7/3/2006 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
You are NOT stupid.  You are a strong woman who is dealing with a very serious disorder.  BPD distorts your perception of things and can cause those who suffer with it to become paranoid, delusional and depressed.  It is next to impossible to control this disorder without the help of medication.  Please do not take someone else's meds especially Zyprexa, that can be a very dangerous drug for some people and could potentially cause your illness to exacerbate.  I am sure this is not want you want or your intention.  I would strongly recommend that you do get back to the doctor and work on a medication regime of your own.  You have to communicate with your doc when you feel the meds aren't working or helping, don't just stop taking them.  I get the whole watching yourself like its a film or your outside yourself.  I had a client with BPD who was had a traumatic past, and stopped her meds.  She ended up having to go into a residential program to get them straight.  She was very paranoid thinking people where talking about her all the time and scared of taking the meds.  It took two years for the doctors to get her meds just right and for her to level out.  She ended up getting an apartment again and resumed a normal life.  My point is that it takes time, you just have to hang in there...
Posted 7/10/2006 6:24 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks elisha. it feels very good to find out that there is someone who understands me which i never thought i would find before.

I still not go to see my doc. When I decided to go to doc the next day, I would always cancelled it as I thought I should try to cope by myself first and see doctor some other time. I've been drinking a lot lately. Just, it's great to feel 'hi' and become so carefree. I skipped my class for today. And I dont think Im going for tomorrow either. I am being too sensitive with what my fiance say or do. He always say I over react to everything. I staying alone at home. sometimes i want to go out but i dont have anyone to go out with. I dont have friends. i used to have great friends but seems like i dont know how to be a friend anymore so the friendship keep on fading away. I dont want to go out alone coz i am very conscious about what other people might think or view or say about me. I always get nervous or panic when go out alone. Im going farther down lately. being alone i always end up sitting on the corner on my room and cry. being alone i am at my darkest hours. being alone nobody see what i do and i am free to do what i want and i always do things i shouldn't do. They're getting severe.

I'm sorry i talked a lot. I just need to vent.
Posted 7/10/2006 3:36 PM (GMT 0)
Dear mysts, though I don’t have BPD and cant physically relate to what your going through, I have had several people that I cared for in my profession that had it and I can understand greatly what you have to suffer with on a daily basis.  I ran two psychiatric residential facilities that had people with severe mental disorders ranging from schizophrenia, bipolar, disassociative disorders, you name we had it.  So, I work very closely on a daily basis one on one trying to help these people relearn daily living skills so they could hopefully function one day on their own.  Some wont as they are way too ill, but others who are med compliant and work with the staff and physicians as they should, would eventually make it.  It can be very rewarding work but then it is also very sad and mentally straining at the same time. I'm not too sure why you are of the mind to cope with this without the help of your physician.  Your posts don’t seem to show that your coping too well at all on your own, especially if your isolating yourself and drinking.  Self-medicating with alcohol is never a good choice especially with the disorder that you have as it will increase your symptoms.  I hope your not drinking on top of your medications, as that can be extremely dangerous.  I understand your desire to try and deal with this on your own and overcome it that way but this is a very serious disorder that can quickly become out of your control.  I strongly suggest you see your doctor and seek their advice and guidance for a treatment plan.  You know we are always here for whatever you need, no matter if it is venting or just to pop in and say hi.  Take care
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