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Posted 7/12/2006 9:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all,

I usually post on the Anxiety Board, but I've always had Depression. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with dysthymia (chronic low-level depression) about a year ago. Last Fall I underwent some serious anxiety when the woman I worked for was completely ignorant and when I developed a severe panic attack, she fired me a month later. (there's more to that story, but it's long, and it's over now.)

Even though I recovered from my panic/attack, I decided that I didn't want to work in my industry anymore and made some inroads at figuring out what I wanted to do. Unfortunately, it required me to continue to work in my area of expertise, which I'm becoming more and more convinced is populated by childish narcissitic sycophants trying to exert their authority over others. And this is where I am now.

I guess I should mention that I see a therapist once a week, a psychiatrist once a month and am on 30mgs of Lexapro daily. While I can't say that I feel markedly better, I suppose it could always be worse. Unfortunately, I do have a work situation that is driving me to distraction and I'm just miserable about it.

I've been doing freelance 4 days a week for a friend of mine (and old colleague) for about 6 months.It's becoming rapidly apparent that my friend (and now temporary boss) has an enormous power trip. I get reprimanded for offering help ('this is NOT a three person job), For texting his cell phone when I was going to miss a 9am meeting ('texting is not a professional or appropriate way to communicate') or my questions go ignored, because they're simply not important enough for him to deal with. His little temper tantrums are beginning to affect my sanity, and while I'm not having panic attacks,I'm beginning to seriously dislike my days.

I've been looking for the past several months to find a job outside my industry, but nothing has come of it. And I am wondering whether or not my self-esteem can take the severe punishment it's been getting for the past year.

I spoke with my therapist today and she seemed to suggest that I was feeling a bit more depressed than usual, which of course made me feel more depressed. And now I can't help but feel that I need to leave this environment before it ruins me. BUT, I need the money, and would feel like a complete disappointment if I just chucked it all.

I'm absolutely conflicted and feel quite helpless, and there's no rescue here. While I'm not in the black hole, I feel like I'm in a blue pit.

Such as it is.

Posted 7/13/2006 6:30 AM (GMT 0)

Sometimes we have to make a choice that is unpleasant.  If this job is putting your well being at risk then you really have to try and get out of there.  Or you have to confront the person causing the stress.  It maybe he's blind to how he behaves.  While we all need money to survive, maybe for a short time you could try doing something else and get by with less.

Depression will rob us of the strength we need to stand up for ourselves.  We lose sight of our own self worth and allow the world to use us as doormats.  I am sure that your are worth the effort to seek a way to remove yourself from this stress or at least confronting the person who is causing this to be so.  I work in a job that doesn't pay me what I'm worth, but the perks are to good to pass up.  I'm two minutes from home, I have a lot of freedom and a boss who understands my ups and downs and allows me to do what ever I need to do to take care of myself.  For me that is worth everything.

I don't know if this helps, but I am here if you need to talk further.  As one who fights the battle daily, I am more than prepared to help you in your fight.

wisdom

Posted 7/13/2006 3:18 PM (GMT 0)
It seems you have a problem.

'the woman I worked for was completely ignorant'
'my area of expertise...is populated by childish narcissitic sycophants trying to exert their authority over others.'
'my friend (and now temporary boss) has an enormous power trip.'

I feel I should pose the question:
'If you have a problem with everyone you work for, and they all have a problem with you; is it more likely that the problem is you, or everyone else?'

Having asked that question the next logical question would be 'What is it the problem with you as they see it?

I'd be quite interested in you responses and I'm looking forward to them.

Honey
Posted 7/13/2006 3:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi redshoe, Welcome to the depression forum.  I completely understand where you are coming from.  I worked for a private psychiatric community support company for over 11 years.  I worked my way up through the ranks until I ended up managing two residential care facilities.  Though I loved my clients and believed in the work I was doing, and was extremely good at it, I ended up working over 70 hours a week.  Had staffing problems all the time, and a supervisor who was like jeckel and hyde.  Of course, I also have depression and anxiety and panic disorder, which I had always managed very well through this.  But during my employment there I was diagnosed with MS, and toward the end was going through the break up of my marriage.  So, extreme stress from personal life and my job clashed greatly.  I finally had enough and put in my notice at the job, that was last year. I also see a therapist every other week and a psychiatrist once a month that encourages me to get back into my field.  I have a degree in Psychology and am working on my Master's which I had been doing before I quit my position.  I don’t believe that I can or even want to work in that field again.  I don’t know... I don’t believe as honey suggested, that the problem is you.  When you work in an environment as you have explained there are always variables that are beyond your control.  Perhaps with your current boss you can sit down and speak to them about the problems that you’re having?  You did suggest that he was your friend?  If there is something is specific that he does not want you to do than he needs to notify you before hand what these are and what his expectations are for you.  This does seem only reasonable if you’re going to continue to work for him.  And as wisdom suggested there are many jobs out there, so keep looking, I am sure something will come along for you.
Posted 7/13/2006 6:23 PM (GMT 0)
I'm glad that Elisha responded. The intention of my last post was not to hurt you, 'blame you' or to point my finger at you. It seems like you have had a rough time in terms of finding a suitable employer.

Wisdom gave you the excellent advice to either confront him, or leave and find something different.

The purpose of my post was to prompt you to think before you do either and give yourself a self evaluation.
Look at yourself through their eyes and you may learn something new. Why does he think it's O.K to treat you this way? Because he's on a power trip is not an answer. What is it that he sees? Are you a door mat? Because if I see a doormat, I wipe my feet everytime. After you see what he sees you can determine what you can or are willing to change... could you communicate displeasure more effectively? Could you find more pleasant sources to answer your questions?

After evaluating yourself you may find that you've just got 'bum luck' in finding a good boss. However, you may find something you can improve on and make a stronger, better you.

I did not intend to hurt your feelings, I wanted you to think. It is hard enough to change ourselves without taking on the task of changing others. Especially when the 'other' person is/was considered a friend.

Honey
Posted 7/15/2006 4:23 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your support. Honey you did not hurt my feelings. That question isn't something that I haven't asked myself. My therapist put it clearly enough that it's likely that both of these things are true. I may have issues with those who have authority over me and they may have issues learning the best way to manage people. OF course, it's always easier to hear that one is right, sometimes the answer isn't that clear.

What I've gathered from this situation is that I likely do not work well in an environment where many people are involved in one project. I know I prefer to work independently and when I do so, I find myself more involved than when being forced by others. So this is clearly an issue for me. However, I do still believe that I work in an industry where the pay is low, the hours are long, and the only positive about being in charge is being able to be in charge, thus there is a share of ego-centric behavior that exists.

This answer isn't easy for me, as I usually think of things as black and white, right or wrong. So to say that there is a grey area makes things complicated for me. Since I usually feel that if something is broken you fix it. If it's not just leave it the hell alone. But in many careers there's always the push for bigger and better. And I really just don't want to be involved in that rat race anymore.

(Still, I think my friend/boss does have a power trip and is greatly self-absorbed... this is an aspect of his personality I knew about before I started working for him.)

I've been doing a lot of work lately to evaluate my goals and personality, so these added events are a bit of a strain for me. But, I am trying ot get some control back by looking for new jobs and contemplating my options.

I won't lie, it's hard, and I'm frustrated and often feel as though I'm running in circles, but there's that slight hope that I'll find something I believe in that will make this al seem worthwhile.

I guess that's the kicker of all this. Trying to stay positive when I just feel like poo. But I do keep my fingers crossed and hope that lady luck does the same.
Posted 7/15/2006 10:41 AM (GMT 0)

I love 90% of my job as an computer analyst for the federal government. Most of my job is working with the computer and operating systems which I love.  The horrible part of my job is dealing with people.  Not that the people I work with are bad or cruel pwoplw exactly the opposite.  The people where I work are for the most part totally awesome.  However I am autistic and I am not a real people person.  My job requires lots of meetings, lots of informal talking with folks to get my jobs done.

Like you I have so many frustrated geeks I have to work with and each of them stange and unique in their own ways as I am.  In the computer industry there are ton's of self absorbed premadonna's and yes they seem to make it their business to get on your last nerve when you can least handle it.  The choice is yours but honestly you can not outrun jerks no matter what job you do.  Human workplaces are all like Wolf packs and there are always ALPHA males and forever *****y ALPHA Male Want To Be's trying to use you to make themselves seem more important.

Letting these ignorant or arrogant people get to you is just feeding their already overweight overblown egos.  I value my time alone working with computers alone and loathe the time I must spend in meetings or interacting with humans regards my expected work.  My direct supervisor is a nice person but, we simply do not like each other on a personal level and do not get alone at all.  Because I know my workplace supervisor gets on my nerves I give him those things that are job related only.  Anything my supervisor does, says or asks for that are not directly part of my job I just ignore.  There will always be people insensitive to your disabilities.  There will always be people who value and fight to preserve their ignorance which is OK they have made it their jobin life!  YOUR JOB IN LIFE IS TO NEVER let the poisons in the hearts of others who work to stay forever lame turn you against yourself.

You will stay depressed so long as you let the ugly mean ignorant and other unproductive behaviors or comments of others define who you are to yourself.  You must self validate and ignore those who do not share the sense of joy and well being that is your birth right.  If you honestly want to get away from the job you are doing because you hate the work fine by all means leave soon as you are able to financially \ safely do so.  All I am saying is JUST do not RUN from those people getting on your nerves because, they are EVERYWHERE!  Ignorance stupidity insensity and the rude ugly behaviors that go with them are part of the fabric of human exostance that you will never escape.  I have 12 disabilities and most people on seeing me think I am retarded and despite all that, I LOVE ME!  Oh YES, I love The WOLF and no one can make me feel bad about being me because, I just enjoy it way too much.  You will find that once you love yourself so much that even the lamest fools around you know that no matter what they say it won't put you in a Blue Hole the low life's will just dry up and blow away.  Your enemy thrives mostly on the power you give to him by feeling the self important God complex driving everything they do.

I hope this helps because, I have had those feelings and still do.  I just remind my self of what I have just shared with you.

Posted 7/15/2006 2:44 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you honey for clarifying Redshoe, canislupus has made some excellent points that those people will be everywhere, there will always be someone that we have difficulty getting along will or just don’t like.  Perhaps this is a fact of life and we have to learn to live with it...I don’t know.  I don’t know what industry you work in or how easily it is to work independently or even if that is a solution for you.  Sometimes a total change is good, as you do end up getting burnt out and discouraged...I believe this is what happened to me.  Please do let us know how you get along.
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