All advice and insight welcome...

Hi, my name's Rosie. I'm 31 and live in the U.K. I've been in and out of depression for most of my life, but that's not really why I've turned here now.

In March, my partner went away for 10 days, came back, and announced that we were best friends but nothing more. That was devastating in itself, and not at all how I felt/feel. After he'd moved out, however, I got a text message saying he's been crying and cutting himself, that he couldn't believe he was ruining the most important thing in his life. I phoned and spent about the next 3 hours talking to him, trying to calm him down, till finally he was able to sleep. It became clear from that and over the following days that something was really very wrong. He's been seeing a psychiatrist, and she's narrowed down the diagnosis to some form of bipolar or manic depression.

Since then he's blown very hot and cold. Some days he would *have* to see me, and when we were together we talked out so much to do with the problems that crept in to our relationship over the final few months (mostly outside stress finding a place to kick about); at times it really felt like we were together again (and he kept testing boundaries on the sexual side, which isn't just friendship in my book, and was pretty confusing). At other times he'd be out of contact, telling me that it wasn't fair on me and that he needed to sort himself out before he could do anything about us (if anything was to be done). His psych seems to be angry at him when he does the former, and is actively encouraging the latter (my ex kept reporting back to me on the sessions). However, his psych seems only really to be talking to him about sex, and seems intent on finding that our relationship was an issue, even though I know we were good together -- and so so happy before the depression started coming on -- and that there are things that go way back and very deep that would come out when my ex got drunk.

10 days ago I was speaking to my ex on the phone, and he was again going down the line of how this wasn't fair on me and how he needed me to be looking after myself and getting on with my life, but that he didn't know whether or not to stop all contact, or, if he did, for how long. In the end, I felt I had to take the initiative, and I suggested that we don't have contact for a month and contact each other at the end of that month to see where things stand. I hated suggesting it. Anyway, that's what's now happening, and why I'm here. For all the pain of the to-ing and fro-ing, before I did at least have him in my life. Now I don't. I don't know what he'll do at the end of a month, and I'm filled with dread -- and denial, because I know this could be it.

I feel angry at his psych for telling him off when he'd seen me or spoken to me, because that's cutting him off further, and her attitude also seems to assume that he made his decision about ending our relationship in a rational mindset, which I honestly believe he didn't.

I feel hurt and afraid. I miss him so much, and these past 10 days have felt empty, lonely and endless. I wish I knew the outcome: I know that's silly, but I keep thinking how I know I'd be fine and could take all of this if I just knew that we'd be together again at the end of it. But I don't, and can't.

I'm sorry this is so long; thanks for reading. If anyone has any advice or insight, I'd be so grateful to hear it.

Best wishes,

Rosie

Hi Rosie, Welcome to healing well forum.  We are happy to have you.  I am sorry about what you’re going though; it sounds as if you have been thrown for quite a loop for sure.  And also your boyfriend.  I would have to agree with atedogs here on how he is interpreting what the psychiatrist is saying, if he isn’t stable at this point in time he could be twisting her words to meet his own needs right now, such as needed space in the relationship.  I don’t know him and don’t want to make it out to be like he would do so intentally, however, you if your not going to the appointments with him you don’t know of what is being said there.  Only what he is relaying to you.  Bipolar Disorder is a very serious illness that can come on suddenly even though the person may have been showing signs or indicators for many years.  The good thing is that it is treatable with the proper medications.  I can understand that it is going to be very difficult for you to follow his wishes for a while and see where this goes but hopefully in the mean time he will recover a bit with the help of therapy and his medication regime. I think I know of what posts ate is referring to in hers...I found several so you can go though these and read though if you like https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=485299 https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=485859 https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=19&m=499800

Hey Rosie,
I like the new name. Much better then the other one. You hang in there friend. It's going to be one hell of a long month but you can do it. I have faith in you. There is a VERY cheesey saying that goes like this : If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it was always yours. If not, it was never ment to be. Or something like that. Anyway, I think you know I am not given to cheesy scentament (sp) in the least. Just not my style you know. But I think in this case you may have needed to hear that. This could be the best thing you could have done for your XSO. If it doesn't work out at the end of the month. You will have to try to believe it is for the best. Just KNOW that either way I will be here for you for whatever you need. Like I told you in email, that's what friends are for.
Tace cae,
D

Hi all,

I posted the following on the bipolar boards last night, but was all over-excited and forgot to post a follow-up here too. However, I *really* wanted to tell you guys too -- because it's so good and came like a bolt out of the blue...

At about 2pm (UK time) I got a text from my ex asking what I was up to this afternoon. Now, I knew that he was going to bring back something from his mum and dad's that I'd left there months ago and needed, but when we had last spoken it looked like he was just going to text me to tell me when he could drop it off and I'd arrange to be out (he has a key to let himself in and drop it off); that way we could stick pretty much to the no contact rule. So, I was just about to text back and say did he want to drop it off and, if so, what time so that I could vacate the premises, when ... about a minute later ... he phoned! Yes, he wanted to drop the thing off, but it'd be nice to see me for a cup of tea. I was gobstruck, but did my best to sound calm!

Well, he had to go and do something before coming round, and it ended up taking about 2 hours -- all of which time I was climbing the walls! He got round at about 4.30, and has just left (at about 11.30). He was *so* much more like himself than a few weeks ago. Last thing I was expecting was a visit before the month was up, but it happened, and he initiated -- and cooked for me!!!! And he was lovely!!!! No freaking out at all -- before he'd stay for an hour or so, then get all fidgety and suddenly it was like he couldn't leave fast enough.

Just before he left I asked him how he wanted to play things contact-wise. He said "let's just do what we're doing". I had to check if this meant the no contact bit or the seeing him bit, and he said "like today; just keeping things relaxed". And as he left he said "I'm smiling, by the way." I'm still not entirely sure where this leaves us, so I'll wait for him to make contact, but I'm just so pleased at the afternoon/evening we had! It has made me feel so much better -- it's so easy to think you're kidding yourself that things *must* work out because we were great together before.

I tentatively asked if he was still seeing his pdoc and he said yes, but didn't open up about that any further. That's different from before when he'd report back all the time. On balance, I'm not sure it's a bad thing that he keeps that for him at the moment -- he won't have to feel like he has to edit anything and can be totally honest with his pdoc (or at least this is my hope!).

So ok, nothing's "solved", but he's getting better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, the follow-up to that is that after he left I was so excited that I went onto msn to see if there was anyone else I could tell, and, guess what?, yup, he was logged on (which he hasn't been for ages) and straight away  I got a hello and then another long and lovely chat before I went to bed!! Crazy day --all of it! -- but so so great!!!!

Thanks so much for your support so far. I'm sure there'll be much more to come (ups and downs probably). I just wanted to tell you about this wonderful day!

Rosie x

Thank Strong,

The me "fixing" him might have been a factor, but I think he realised a few months ago that it was up to him to find professional help and not expect me to do this (because of course I can't). He took himself to the doc and confessed about the terrible trouble he was having and the self-harm; he listened and accepted being referred to a psychiatrist; he accepted, and has been taking, his prescribed medication; he is doing everything for his receovery that the blurbs always say someone has to do (and this also in the face of injuring himself physically in the meantime and being signed off work for several weeks, which, knowing what he's like about work, must've been about the worst timing of anything).

He actually works in emergency health care himself, so is in a pretty good position to know what's ok to deal with yourself and what needs professional attention. He's very good at functioning on a work level, even if not emotionally, and I think this is what helped most: while his emotional mind was doing flips, work mind took action.

I am *very* cautious when it comes to his depression, because I've seen it in action. But I also know this guy well and trust *him*. It's just so wonderful to see *him* beginning to emerge from under what I (lovingly) refer to as "Bipolar Man". Yes, I am sure there will be more to-ing and fro-ing ahead, and I will have to look after myself and not get too caught up in it (which I did to begin with), but, significantly, his treatment of me the other day showed him dealing with things *so* much better. The couple of times he went quiet and I thought "here we go, he'll be out that door in a second", he just took himself into the kitchen, stirred the food a bit, and worked through it. *That's* a massive improvement, and to me says not only are the meds and therapy working, but also that this is allowing him to work out strategies for dealing with moments.

Thanks for the cautious words. I think these are necessary. But I'm also still celebrating the turn-around I'm beginning to see -- because it is a testament to his strength and, yes, it offers hope for us sometime in the future.

All best,
Rosie x

Hi again --

Last night my ex came over after a long phone call. Again, he was calm and "like himself". He said that he'd discovered something wonderful recently: that he's "not mad"! That made me chuckle and I told him I'd known that all along. We had fun playing CDs in the kitchen while cooking, and we had a bit of a dance too (Chuckle will particularly appreciate that -- see Chux, told you I'd be practising! ).

The bolt out of the blue was when he started asking me where I'd most want to live in Hampshire (where we both work); I named a couple of places and let it pass with no questions as to why he was asking. A little while later he asked if I wanted to live with him again -- fresh start in a new place (neither of us is very fond of where I'm renting now!) -- when his current lease is up (2 months) -- a bit of a leap from keeping things "relaxed", eh?! Anyway, I said yes, but we both agreed that it was good to have the time in between to take stock, see how things go, and that we could always take a bit of extra time after the 2 months if we needed it. (This morning he admitted he'd had one dark moment yesterday evening when he felt he was "dangerous" again, and he wants to make sure that's gone before any move in.)

Well, he stayed over (first time since he moved out -- as I said, before even eating together would have flipped him out). Today he's gone to see friends, but he even asked them to pick him up from mine, so we're definitely moving away from the "secret meetings" territory that I was worried about for the first couple of months of this, and he's actively showing that I'm in his life still. It was so good to see his friends again: I always got on great with them and it's been very weird being out of all of that for the last few months.

Tomorrow I'm seeing some of my own friends for the day and am really looking forward to it. I was even a bit concerned that he would suggest I came with him to his friends' and was pleased to have alternative plans just in case. I love spending time with him, of course, but I think it's sensible not to run headlong into long stretches together, just while he gets accustomed to things and comfortable again. And I think I probably need a bit of the same. -- For all I can say that things were so much like normal again, they're not 100% so because I still monitor things and I am aware that there are times when there is a little "eggshell" about. And of course the last few months have been a rollercoaster, and there's likely to be more of that to come: a dose of uncomplicated fun with my mates is a good way for me to keep grounded. (The more I think about them, the more Wmnak's words to me in the bipolar forum ring true.)

I expect things will level off a bit now that we both feel more secure (questions asked and answered) about the possibilities for us in the future. I hope I'm right: I'd be worried at this stage if things moved too fast, as I'd suspect a link with mania. So far I don't think so, but I promise to be wary.

Sorry for yet another long "update": as usual, it's really helped just to write this all out (taking stock!).

All best, as ever,
Rosie x