help me get an understanding

hey guys,

i am relatively new to the whole depression phase. i came across this site tonight and after reading  a bunch of posts i feel like i have discovered something amazing for my fight to rid depression. to be able to share my experiences with people who are also having a tough time right now. i wanna get to understand everyone else better and i will try to give you guys and gals some understanding about me. 

 im 19 years old. i live in a suburb outside of philly. my mom and step dad have been married for 16 years. in january of this year i told my mom that i was moving into a row home with 3 friends of mine. when i told my mom this she broke down and said she was leaving too. she had said that her and my step dads marriage just wasnt working and i was well aware of this. for as long as i can remember she was sleeping on the couch while he was sleeping in the bed. when i was younger he had problems with alcohol and i can remember a couple times where he would get into seriosu fights with her. one time putting a gun to her head. my real father i have barely any recollection of other then he too was very abusive towards my mother.

my mother isnt a saint herself however. she for years has caused turmoil within the family, running up credit cards and putting our family thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt. shes also cheated on my step dad on multilple occasions and currently has a boyfriend right now while her and my step dad are going thru the divorce process.

every since they decided they were going to get a divorce my step dad has gone back to alcohol after being sober for a while. hes done drugs such as coke and the other night he was out and it was 4:30 in the morning so i called him to see if he was okay..he had no clue what he was doing and later told his sister that he had smoke angel dust.

in late may i recall waking up from a weird bad dream. i know for the rest of the day i had thoughts of death and suicide. and out of nowhere i started to dread the future. i read that these are effects of depresison. i started to think of things like breaking up with my girlfriend and i know i dont want to because im so happy with her. i tell her everything thats going on and she tries to understand me as best as she can. now suicide and death are constant thoughts in my head but i know i would never do nething to hurt myself, they are just thoughts and nothing else.

i went to the doctor and at first he thought i had anxiety and he told me to take Buspar which is a anti anxiety drug with no side effects, sure enough i didnt need it because it wasnt the right thing for me. i went to him a couple days ago and he said that these recurring thoughts were a symptom of OCD - obessesive compulsive disorder.

ive been with my for girlfriend of seven months, my friends have always looked at me as being the guy who gets tired of girls easily but this one is a definite keeper. i dont want depression ruining that for me and im deteremined to not let it win.

im still every uneducated on depression, why for some reason i woke up feeling the way i did when it never seemed as thought anything had ever bothered me quite like this, but here it is, its entered my life and i know i go to bed every night saying to myself that i wont let it win. when i have a thought of death, i say to myself, why, why on earth would i wanna do that or a htought of breaking up with my girlfriend i again say why, ive never been happier and although right now, at this moment depression is depriving me of feeling that happiness, i know when the dust settles, everything is gonna alright. it wont win, and ill make sure of that.

Hi Live Strong

Welcome to Healing Well.
I'm sorry to hear about your family problems. My childhood is the cause of my anxiety/depression. I agree it may be really good for you to move out of home, it will give you a relief from everything that is going on and you can concentrate on yourself.
During my anxiety/depression, my boyfriend has been the biggest support to me. Have you told your girlfriend what is going on? It maight be easier for you if you explain to her how you are feeling and her support will help you a lot. I'm sure you don't want to break up with her when you really care about her but sometumes when we are feeling this way, we take things out on the people closest to us and push them away.

I was wondering if your psychiatrist has you on nay antidepressants? Also, seeing a psychologist to talk over family problems may help as it can be good to talk to someone outside of the situation. It has helped me to do that and she goves me coping mechanisms which have really helped.
I am doing better since having antidepressants. Of course, they dont take away all of my problems but the help me to cope better with dealing with them.

I hope you get through this tough time. Sadness and unhappiness cannot last forever. Stay strong and post here anytime.

Victoria

live_strong - just wondered how you were getting on??
Hope you are doing ok.
Take care

Victoria

I am sorry you are feeling guilty over a dream but I have had the same kinds of dreams myself which made me feel guilty. Just try to keep saying that nothing happened and that it was only a dream...

Hope you start to feel better soon xxxx

Hi Live Strong and welcome to the forum (I am new too!)

I was reading your post and couldnt help but relate to you.  I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and have also had those same exact thoughts.  It's what made me get help for my anxiety which led to depression (not trying to scare you).  I know what your feeling about "Ive never been this happy so why would I think this???" It sounds so familiar. But "in the end it all comes down to your actions" as my therapist said.  Which is true, bc while I get these thoughts I could never imagine me doing it because I love him so much.  Im not a doctor, but if you do have depression I feel that could be a definite cause of it. But I definetly wouldn't make any rash decisions while you are feeling this way (especially with all that you have been going through which I am so sorry for I cannot even imagine being in your position).

This forum is a great place to vent and get different opinions.  I know that people who are close to you can constantly say "oh your thinking to much" or "just stop thinking about it".  But me, you, and everyone else here knows that its just not that easy.  If you ever need to talk its a great place to go, I'm 21 and close to your age so if you ever need to talk make a post.

Hope things get better :)

Livestrong, you left me speechless, but with a smile.

Thank you

if you ever need to talk I'm here, its nice to know someone is going through the same thing.

-B

Hi Live Strong,

As someone who's suffered from depression but who's now coping with a depressed ex/partner (I never seem to know these days ... but it's ok, light at the end of the tunnel beginning to show!), what you wrote about how you feel about your future with your girlfriend was so wonderful and touching. I'm still utterly in love with my ex (for the sake of argument, though if I'm really honest I still see us as partners, just working our way through his tough time in a less together way than we were). I know I can't "solve" his problems, but I can be someone who loves him no matter what, and I am so proud of him for getting the professional help he needed. You really impressed me by the way that you're thinking through your current flight instinct.

On the dream, I just wanted to add something for you to consider. I know people normally think of dreams as expressions of subconscious desires, but, really, Freud has a lot to answer for! -- and I honestly don't think that my childhood dreams about being chased by wolves (a la Little Red Riding Hood) were trying to tell me that I really wanted to be cornered and eaten! I think dreams can also serve functions, sometimes just adventure or playing out of fears, and sometimes a presentation of an alternative reality for us to try out things that we've been thinking or worrying about and to make us realise the worth (or lack thereof) of what we have in our real, waking lives. If you had any kind of flight instinct creeping up on you (even not fully recognised) it makes a kind of sense that you would dream about a situation in which your girlfriend was out of the picture: when you woke up and felt horrible about it, that was your "dream message" if you like -- that the dream situation was not something that made you feel good. In fact what the dream did was make you really think about what mattered. Job done, I reckon -- and certainly nothing to feel guilty about.

Take care,
Rosie

Hi Live Strong,

Sometimes people who are depressed miss opportunities. The depression keeps them from ever seeing them. You are at a crossroads. Here's a chance for you to build the life you want.

You've had enough negative influences. And... Influence is a powerful force. It's time for new people, new experiences.

You've made one goal - to move out. What else do you want in your life? What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be with? Who would you like to meet? Who would you like to help?

You're whole future is in front of you. I love what Jim Rohn says. He says, "Direction Determines Destination." What direction are you going to go? We know what part of the direction is - it's to move out (when you're in the new environment, you'll experience some new feelings).

Set goals. And as that great cosmic traveler once said, "Live long and prosper."

Ed