i need to say this

I'm 21.I'll just put the last few years in a nut shell. My depression "started" when I was in middle school. It was pretty much "controlled" with medications. During Highschool things got a little worse with several "suicide thoughts". Then the one summer I use an entire bottle of Stadol NS, took so Xaxex and had a nervous breakdown. I was admitted to a Drug and Alcohol unit of a Psy. Hospital. I remember nothing of the first 3 days. It was like I was in a coma. It was horrible. Basically, I've been sick for most of my life. Nothing like cancer or anything, but there is always something wrong with me. I tried College, but I had Migraines 3 times a week, and dropped out. I tried again, Migraines, and then chronic jaw dislocations, had surgery. withdrew b/c missed so much class. i tired several times. One other time I ODed on naproxen sodium...so withdrew yet again. The main cause of my depression is my sickness, and fear of failure. When I get to school, if it gets hard, or I mess up, I get scared that I will fail so I quit. Okay, let me just tell you the last few months. I had jaw surgery in july for dislocations, kidney stones after that, a wrong dianoses of kidney stones, a surgery for that wrong dianoses, a week of suffering from pain, a week in the hospital with a stone in my appendix, surgery to remove my appendix, after that back pain from bulging disk,after that, 2 migraines in one week, after that more kidney stones. Thats just in the last 2 months. I live like this constantly. its so frustrating. I just want to be a normal 21y/o college student having the time of my life, but instead I'm at home, having surgeries, doctor appts., being depressed all the time. I cause my parents so much pain, suffering. They have to spend so much money they dont have. We have do many bills. I'm in debt up to my knees, mostly medical. I just dont like living like this. Its not living.

  Hi AngMichelle,  I wish things were better for you..       I know first hand how difficult it is to balance school when you have multiple health problems.  The only thing I can say to that is that perhaps you can wait on school for a bit until you get to feeling better.  School will always be there, and you can always begin again when you’re feeling more stable.  Physically and mentally.  It is very easy to get depressed and overwhelmed when your dealing with extreme physical health issues.  Sometimes this even happens without notice or without you even realizing it…before it is way to much to handle.  I was much like that last August before I went into the hospital with heart problems and passing out issues.  I was very depressed, crying all the time, and had constant thoughts of hurting myself.  I didn’t see the signs of it coming on before it was too late and my antidepressant I was on at the time just basically wasn’t keeping up with what was happening in my body.  As for the medical bills, trust me it is something we all have and will have forever.  You’re very lucky you have your parents to help you through this.  Yes, it is very stressful and hard not to worry about the bills, but they are a necessary evil in life.  It just comes down to how you manage them.  Instead try to concentrate on getting physically better, day-by-day.  Then hopefully once you do your mental state will improve some also.  Keep posting, it is therapeutic to get these feelings out and have a support system with people who understand.  We are always here for you.  TC