Do I really need to see a doctor?

Hello guys! I'm so happy to come across this site. I don't know where to go for help and find people who are actually having the same problem as mine.

I never thought that I might be depressed until a few months ago when my younger brother died. While my parents were totally devastated, I was the one arranging everything. I didn't even cry during the funeral so I thought I was coping up well. The week after, I worked everyday til 3am in the morning. Then after that, it just hit me that he is gone. So I didn't go to work for like two weeks. Then before I started with another company, my boyfriend and I broke up. And I still can't get myself together until now.

For weeks, I wouldn't stop crying and the thought of committing suicide was on top of my options. I've been suicidal since I was 11 or 12 and actually did some stupid stuff from filling up capsules with crushed glass to taking in mercury from a thermometer (unfortunately, I'm still alive). I haven't thought of suicide since I got together with my boyfriend (now an EX) and when we broke up, I just felt like there was no reason to go on with my life. My parents hardly care. I live alone and they don't even ask how I am. My friends keep telling me to "move on" but it's not that easy to do.

I didn't go to work for another week and as much as I wanted to try to live my life, there's just something in me that keeps me from getting up. So I decided to see a psychiatrist, but I backed out when I was about to enter the clinic because the night before, a friend told me that there's nothing wrong with me and that I didn't need to see a shrink. I actually believed him and for the next few weeks I was doing fine.
I even enrolled myself to a salsa class every Saturday night and started running.

It hasn't even been a month yet and it's back. I couldn't get myself to get up for work again (missed 5 days of work now). I no longer cry but this suicide thing is still lingering in my mind. It's not like I don't want to live but I feel like I can't take it anymore. I don't want to go out. I dread sleeping because when I wake up, I would have to go to face a "normal day". Several times, I woke up when my alarm turned off, shower and get dressed and still chose to stay home. No matter how I tire myself, I still couldn't get tired enough to fall asleep. I know I need to go to work for money basically, but I can't have enough motivation.

Am I just making all these up? Do I really need help? Can't I really help myself get through this without any help from a doctor? I hate feeling like this, but I just can't easliy shake it off. It's been going on for more than a decade and I hate myself for being like this.

Sorry this is so long. Thanks in advance.

We are not doctors but we are qualified to answer your question:

YES you need to see a doctor. Don't wait, do not walk or pass Go, run to your physician and be as honest as you possibly can be about everything from 11 yrs old on.

Really, a lot of thanks to you guys. It's 3:40 am here and I still can't sleep cuz I hate to let another day pass by. I'll call for an appointment again later and this time, I'm really going.

By the way, this is a stupid question, but is depression really a health condition? I've read that it is, of course, but for some reason, I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it needs to be treated by a doctor. I feel like it's my fault that I'm suffering this because I let myself feel depressed. And since I chose to be in this situation, I could get through it whenever I wanted to. Apparently not! I'm wondering if any of you have thought the same.

Alright Mic, I'm so proud of you!  Go, Go, Go, Go, you can do it (imagine a little cheerleader smilie here).

Hi all,

Honey, I'm so glad you give yourself a break on this front now. I don't think that being given only what we can handle means that we're only supposed to handle those things *alone*: handling something can be recognising it and allowing others (including docs) to help us -- in fact, isn't it better that way? After all, however much we cut ourselves off, humans are essentially social animals, and we all have different strengths: we use our strengths to help ourselves and others, but sometimes our strengths are also there to tell us that others have the capacity to help us (some of whose strengths involve medical training and the ability to prescribe medication that some with strengths in the development of medication have designed). -- I think that's the greatest thing about the "human package" -- we're all individuals but we also come as a "package deal"! Depression, in a sense, is a test of everyone's humanity, not just the ability of the individual to fight it -- and as this site shows, it does lead us to form bonds with others and give and receive help.

Rosie x

hi mic,

I used to have a problem in sleeping too , so did my father, with the doctor's help and determination I managed solve it, but i had to push myself a lot till nature took it's way and i sleep normally now. and i can control how much I sleep too, for instance in the weekend i sleep more, but when it ends i go back to my internal clock

What I did to stop sleeping is sort of setting your internall lock. I never sleep after 1 AM, i'm always at bed even if I slept durring the day but it will be harder when u do that. so nowi i am very sleepy in the evening. also keep your day beesy wth things, even as mall as walking in your niebhourd

Always don't go alone to do sometihing for fun, like watching a movie or a game, like ice hocky or nasketball etc. ask your friends or word buddies, or school friends to come.

Regards
Akramh

Hi Michel --

Hooray for you: this is excellent news!! I know that awkward feeling when you get to the doc -- glad yours is good at prompting! It's sometimes hard to find a good doc for depression, but yours sounds really clued up -- and it's good that she's monitoring your progress with your return visits.

I've not taken Cymbalta (I don't *think*: it could have a different name in the UK, as is often the case). I've seen the name come up on this board though, so I'm sure someone will be able to talk to you more about it. I think your doc has a realistic idea of how long you'll be on this too -- never good to discontinue too early (especially after prolonged episodes of depression).

I don't know about reporting to your superior on this: it really depends what kind of relationship you have with him/her and whether you feel you'd be telling about this because you'd find it *helpful* or you think you *should*... . Many workplaces have occupational health advisers, however, and I made sure I informed them of my past episodes of depression when I started my current job. If you have this facility at your workplace, I'd seriously consider popping in to see them -- take your prescription with you and make clear that you have sought treatment for it. Essentially no-one can discriminate against you for your condition, and informing occupational health or an equivalent can help put your mind at ease that this will not happen to you. The person I saw was actually really understanding and just wanted to ensure that I knew they would help if needed.

Congratulations again!

Rosie x

Hi Elisha! Thank you very much for welcoming me here. I'm really grateful to have found this forum. Your advice gave me the courage to finally seek professional help. In fact, I could hear your words as if you really talked to me, when I was waiting outside the doctor's office. Again, thanks!

Hi Miclillace,

Just wanted to welcome you to the forum and say how sorry I am for your loss.
Youve recieved excellent advice from everyone here.
Keep in touch with us.
Take care
God bless