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not liking who i am anymore...

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Posted 8/28/2006 5:12 AM (GMT 0)
hello there again. it has been awhile since i have been on here, i hope everyone is doing okay.

i've been having trouble with something lately. i have been on lexapro now for about three months for depression and anxiety... and i do think i am feeling more active, talkative and i am feeling like doing more things, which are all good things... i feel like maybe i am starting to be myself again a little... but the thing is, i keep thinking, that the more i come out of the depression i was in, the more i hate myself, like the person i am when i am more normal... like when i am more talkative and stuff, i just don't like who i am... and i dont know what to do. i feel like i am maybe somewhat going back to who i used to be before i went through everything, and i just hate myself and i dont want to be that person again... i think i almost prefer the person i was when i was really bad... even though i felt awful... i feel awful now being this person...

so im just not sure what to think or do. ) : i guess it could be maybe my medication really isnt working, if i am still feeling so bad about myself? i'm afraid to tell anyone, and i'm afraid to change meds... ??? or maybe i just need to work on acepting myself... thats so much easier said than done... ) :

Posted 8/28/2006 5:33 AM (GMT 0)
Michele,
You may need to talk to a therapist. Meds can only do so much. I too have become a totally different person since the depression hit about 7 years ago. I was very resistant to therapy, thinking I was too smart for all that psycho-babble, but it does work.... especially if you are at the end of your rope. Sometimes you have to tear down a wall to re-build it.
There are plenty of organizations out there who will help you find the right person for you and your situation. Contact your local Department of Job and Family Services for referrals. I recently went through an outpatient intensive therapy and got a LOT out of it.
You need to be able to like yourself for things to get better. If there's an issue with that, you need to deal with that. Meds only level you off chemically so you can think clearly. Please, go talk to someone.
Posted 8/28/2006 11:23 AM (GMT 0)
i can see where you are coming from michele and i agree with bonnie. its like you have slowed up and now you are seeing you and things around you as they are. no amount of medication can sort out whats really going on inside. i would like therapy but it scares me and its like i need someone to make me go ... i am sick and tired of having to find this strength to keep my head above water. Good luck
Posted 8/28/2006 1:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Michele,

So glad to hear from you again -- wondered how you were doing. I'm totally with the others that some therapy would be hugely beneficial to you right now -- help you to analyse what you're feeling and why, and to find ways of dealing with these thoughts. I would also talk to the doc/pdoc who prescribed your meds and just check that your progress is what he/she would expect (and it *is* progress, believe me) or whether they think any adjustments would help. Truth is, the meds could well be doing their job fine, but that there are underlying issues that you need to deal with now that you are more stable -- which is where the therapy comes in (maybe cognitive behavioural therapy would help -- good for addressing thought/behaviour patterns).

The main thing I wanted to say to you, though, is that you are *not* the person you were before the depression. You never could be -- none of us are. Some people see that as a bad thing, but I feel it can be very good -- and has been for me. Your self-knowledge will hav increased dramatically as a result of having to deal with all of this, and on one level it's not surprising that you don't want to go back to who you were -- that person was without the self-knowledge you have now (and remember that knowledge is power!). You are a *much* stronger person now -- a person who has overcome so much and who wants to ring the changes. Take that impulse and turn it into something creative. Make a list of all the things you'd like to happen for you to be the person you want to be, and try to do one thing (small things are as important as big ones) every day towards becoming the woman you want to be.

You are a very special person Michele. I admire your courage, and know that you will be who you want. Don't judge yourself to harshly: think what you would say to a friend in your position -- bet you'd be able to see a heck of a lot of good.

Love to you,
Rosie x
Posted 8/28/2006 1:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Michele,

Its good to hear from you again. I also take lexapro and this is about my thrid month and I am starting to feel better now. I feel 'back to my old self' but part of me doesnt want to be back to my old self. I dont want to be miserable but I want to be a more confident and happier person. The old me was hiding a big secret since my childhood and now thats out and in the open, I wnt to be a different person. I dont want to be the person I was, the person that was hiding that secret. I want to get on with my life and live it.

I think the meds are helping me a lot, especially with my anxiety. I have found therapy very helpful. I see a psychologist about once a week and it is certainly helping me a lot. I would recommend it.

I know that you will sort things out in your head eventually about this but it does take time and I am just getting there myself. Be god to yourself hun.

Take care and keep in touch
Posted 8/31/2006 5:46 AM (GMT 0)
thank all of you very much. your words of encouragement made my heart smile. ( :

i have been seeing a therapist for awhile, but she just moved to a different state, so i'm currently in the transistional stage of finding another one... but you guys are right, therapy will probably help me sort this problem out more. i'll keep working on it. ( :

lovelove
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