Need Support

I already know the root of my probs is that I have bad self esteem and I base my self worth on people. Ive pushed a lot of ppl away from me and to be honest I dont blame them. I have associates but no one I can really talk to anymore. I have to admit Ive been self medicating (drug use...but nothing serious) for a few yrs and lately its been really bad. But its better than the pain I feel.

Even tho a lot of ppl think Im attractive I feel like the most unattractive person in the world. Inside and out. I cant hold a relationship because I am super jealous and emotional. I feel like anyone is better than me so why would they stay with me? I know I have issues. I just want to fix them and make them go away. Ill be 25 yrs old in Nov and I really just want to be healthy so I can have my first healthy relationship. But I dont think Im capable of being loved so I dont even try anymore.

Im not sure about the rest of you but I feel really guilty sometimes because I feel alone and unloved when I know I have ppl that love me. Like my mother and sister. Its just never enough.

I am sorry for rambling. I dont have anyone to talk to about these things and I really hope my posts arent misunderstood for being self absorbed. I just really need some support.

Hi, The root of just about all my problems are just as you describe. In my good mind I know that I am a good person, loving father and an excellent husband. But when I let my bad mind loose I am the scum of the earth. No one would ever find me attractive, interesting or lovable. Fortunately for me I have a wife that see's through my self defacement and loves me anyway. the guilty feelings are just our minds giving us the perfect excuse for our thoughts. I (we) need to justify our thoughts by pushing people away to prove they don't love or care for us. We are testing them whithout giving them the syllabus to study. No one ever passes a test their not allowed to prepare for. Let alone even knowing that it is a test. I have to thank you for helping me clarify some thoughts that have been swirking in my head for a long time. I too self medicated. Alchohol in my case. I've stopped drinking and when I realized that the problems didn't go away. They just got worse. You also said you don't think that someone could love you " the way you feel you should be". In my case even with constant work on the subject I still don't have a clear idea of what I feel being loved is. It's physical, it's emotional and something akin to confidence in being accepted for who I am. Please understand that I have wonderful, caring and supportive wife. The feelings of "un love" are in my head. It takes an icredible person to be o.k. with being alone. It terrifies me more than anything else in this world. There I've rambled myself and I hope I said something that helped you. It did me. Take care, Jer

When you "can't handle a day without it," or a week, then you need outside help.  I self-medicate, too, with caffine and tobacco - should quit both, but haven't, so I do understand your addiction.

Lots of agreement on the "pushing people away" syndrome, part of Prove That You Love Me.  Will they stay after you repeatedly dump on them?  Misconseption is that they will if they truly love you.  Like packing sand down rat holes, the longer they stay the more you dump till eventually both are destroyed.  Co-dependent.

There is help out there.  Check with your local Mental Health Association about affordable choices.  

Hi. I'm new here and I just want to say I know EXACTLY how you feel! I've had a whirlwind of a life since I hit 17 (haven't we all...) I can tell you from personal experience that I know it is true when they say you push people away to test them. I have MASTERED that skill. Honestly, I don't know why I do it. You would think since I've acknowledged that I do it, that I wouldn't do it anymore but I do. I've been in and out of therapy and it all comes back to "abandonment" for me. I fear that the people I care about are going to leave me (this is due to my father and step-father) so therefore to put myself in "control" I do whatever I can to make them leave me first when all I really want to happen is for them to stick around and work through it with me. My mom has been a great help (to the extent I've let her help) and I have a best friend who was the one to call me out on this and we have been friends for 7 years now and she still helps me through my "moments". I was never in a serious relationship because I didn't love myself. I went through a cocaine addiction about 5 years ago and was able to get through it. That was self medicating and you need to get to the root of the problem so you won't have to feel like you need to self-medicate. I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago and I realized at that point that I finally loved myself enough to let someone love me. Don't feel like someone won't love you, they will and probably already do. You have to love yourself first. You have to be happy with yourself before anyone else can be happy with you. It's weird to me at times but it all makes sense. Once I stopped punishing myself and allowing myself to be happy, things started falling into place. Now don't get me wrong, this was not done all by ME. I have therapy, I'm on Lexapro, and I make myself work through my bad days instead of laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself. It's a very hard process and I'm here if you need someone to talk to. It's hard to talk to with someone who hasn't personally experienced it (atleast that is my opinion). I always feel like everything happens for a reason and I know that the reason I had to go through all of that "CRAP" is to be able to help someone else. I'm sure everyone in here will offer advice and listen so if you need it, just ask. I can tell you I'm already feeling better today just by posting this. So, to keep from rambling - I already am, learn to love yourself. Don't worry about being alone, that is the best time to get to know yourself and what you enjoy. I found out that I didn't need a guy to tell me I was beautiful, I just needed to tell myself and that made a world of difference in my life.

Oh my gosh. I completely understand. Now I'm no model, that I can tell you, but believe me, regardless of looks, I'm sure you are beautiful inside. I found that removing myself from situations that don't help my self esteem to work. I don't go to clubs anymore. I used to go out all the time and found that it was killing the way I felt about myself. I had one guy come up to me once and tell me "do you know how ugly you are?" I almost died right there. I also had a guy come up to my friends and talk to them and then told them he had to go and whispered in my ear "God you are ugly". I found that if someone is telling you these things you have to look at the source. No I am not going to be attractive to everyone on this planet but the people God meant to be in my life do think I'm beautiful. It's still weird to hear it but when my boyfriend tells me that its wonderful and I swear he is the hottest guy I've ever met and I never in my life would have believed someone as attractive as him would see that in me. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. If I had my wish, no one on this earth would even know what the word "ugly" was. I'm sure it cannot be easy in the modeling industry. I think that would be the worst job to have just because you are constantly being looked at and judged as far as what will sell. I wish I could give you a hug right now and make you feel better. Just know that I've never even met you but from what you've typed I can tell you are a beautiful person inside. That's what matters!!!

That was really sweet. Thank you. Its good to know someone else can relate.

If you ever need to talk Im here for you too! I was gonna private message you but I cant figure out how to do it. Anyway thanks for the kind words. That really made me feel better.

Mandi,  I am so so sorry!  Never in my life have I ever been so cruel to someone and cant image being like that.  You seem to be a very beautiful person by the way you post on the inside...and I am sure this radiates to the outside.

I would rather be ugly on the outside of me any day than to be an ugly person on the inside like these guys who have said these hateful things to you.

I appreciate the kind words. I'm okay. I've been through alot worse, those were just some of the nicest meanest things that have been said/done to me... I surround myself with people who love me now and I know that I'm a good person who tries to treat people nice. Thank you again. I really am glad I have a place to talk about these things now. Sometimes I tend to bottle it up and it's hard on my heart when I do that.