support

I often read in HW about how much people's husbands, boyfriends, and families support them through the depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, etc.  I don't have any support.  I am really trying to get better, but have no one in my life telling me that it is going to work.  The only person I have is my bf/fiance (whatever you want to call it these days) and every time I have a relapse he just gets angry.  Everyday he is angry with me over something. I try not to make him mad at me, but it doesn't matter what I do anymore, it's as if he is looking for a reason.  Maybe it is me, I do not know. He is completely unsupportive and every time I bring up my medical problems, he shrugs them off and says that I cannot use that as an excuse and he doesn't want to hear it. He says I control my actions, and that I am out of control. I try to explain to him that I have serious medical conditions and that I need him to help me work through this, but he wants nothing to do with adjusting for my needs.  I love this man, I think I have just pushed him so far away with all of my problems, and now he doesn't care.  I am seeking treatment for myself, but also in hopes of making things better between him and I.  I don't know what to do, though.  He doesn't understand and won't try to, he makes me feel as if he thinks I am making it all up in my head and why can't I just be normal!  I know I will never be able to get better with this sort of response from him.  Him being angry with me just sets me back more.  On Monday I was re-diagnosed with anxiety/panic disorder, PTSD, and major depression.  My doctor also said I have extreme fear of abandonment.  So here I am trying to "fix" all of these things.  I am taking medication (Zoloft) AGAIN (even though I hate anti-deps) and seeing my Psych once a week from now on.  I am also taking Ambien to sleep at night, since my anxiety was keeping me from being able to get more than 2-3 hours sleep per night.  I don't know what else I have to do to show him that I am trying.  He wants to go out to bars and leave me at home all the time.  When he does this I pace around the house and try and stay calm, but most always end up having a panic attack and ending up crying on the bathroom floor unable to breathe.  I BEG him to come home or atleast let me go with him, anything to not be sitting in the house at 1 AM awake and with no one else home, but then he just gets angry with me, and says that I have to try and control my anxiety and face it dead on. That he needs time away from me, and that he should be able to do things without me reacting this way.  I can't though.  I try and I can't.  He doesn't understand.  And no one in my life understands what has happened to me.  I don't know what to do.  I want to be happy again.  I am REALLY trying to make a step in the right direction, but its so hard with no one backing me.  Even when I got back from the Psych evaluation, I told my boyfriend they put me back on meds and he said "oh, what'd they put you on this time? like it'll work, ha".  He is so hard on me and doesn't recognize that I am sick.  And I want to get better so bad.  I don't want to look at the world and hate it anymore.   He expects this change to happen overnight, as if I can just "snap" out of it.  Please help me.  If anyone has gone through this and overcome it, please help me understand how I can.  I want to get better, I don't want to worry anymore, or push him farther away.  It's as if I snap and I am in another world where I can't control myself , my emotions, or my thoughts.  I do and say things that don't make any sense, but it is my way of comforting my anxiety/paranoia about everything.   My Psych thinks that I have been suffering untreated for anxiety problems for over ten years.  I was treated for depression in 2004, but did not complete the treatment.  I am hoping that someone here can help me figure out a way to make my boyfriend understand what I am going through.  I need his support or I know I will never be able to get better.  I don't want it to come down to being with him or overcoming this.  I need to make it work.  Please help.

Thanks, Britt

Yes, HW is a great place for support, I agree. And I am often found in the anxiety/panic and depression rooms. More often than not, though, I am overwhelmed by the conversations in group chat. Although, I do enjoy participating. I need someone in REAL life. I know that HW is real, but no one can look me in the eyes and hold my hand and tell me I will be okay..... I need someone who will tell me it will all be okay.

Thanks for your support Annie...

Britt

Els,

Thank you for your response. I would like to talk to you about the "situations" causing this.. as you said you didn't want to talk about it in the forum. Also, I have tried communicating with him but he just makes a joke out of it or even worse says he doesn't want to hear it. When I told him the diagnosis he said "i could have told you that, why did you have to go to a doc to tell you that. you should have given me the forty bucks". I explained to him that yes he is right about a lot of things, and I don't disagree with that, but it is the way he approaches it that is all wrong. He wants to punish me for being this way. When he tries to help, he does it in a demeaning, hurtful, way. I don't know how else to talk to him about it. I have written him letters in the past and he will say "what are we twelve writing notes".. I have asked him to write me back because it is easier to express things when written, but he refuses to participate. This is all my fault. All my fault. And I can't fix it. And I am trying so hard. And he doesn't even recognize it.
I went to the doctor, I started meds, I made my next two appointments, what more can I do. It just hurts me so much that he won't help me.

Britt