i've found the strength in myself to overcome it....tell me your story, i want to help

I've had depression my whole life. I never went to any shrink or counslor, (I am not saying by all means that you shouldn't.) But through pain and deep sarrow I somehow found the beauty in this life and have come over many hardships. If anyone reads this message, please, tell me your story and i'll try to help. I am an excellent listener and want to be here for you.

Hi I am new here.  I hope someone will understand me.  March 11th, 2006, my great niece died in her sleep.  She had a bladder infection and went to a specialist.  The Saturday before her death we gave her, her 17th birthday party and the next Saturday her mother found her dead.  It's a long story.  No drugs involved, church going, loving and loved everyone.  I cannot get over her death.  This week has been horrific for me.  I have a son 19 years old and am so thankful for him.  He has been a good young man. With all of my past, which there was a lot of depression and hardships and my husband now, father to my son has been a good father, but we have had much financial worry.  He has not paid taxes in years.  I retired after working 35 years and really just couldn't go on another week working.  Due to my depression, I wonder why I wasn't fired, but I am a hard worker and praise God, I held up.  I am on Paxil, Xanax, BP medicine and Demoral for osteoarthritus.  I stay in constant horrible pain and I think my meds. are not working anymore.  I am so depressed I cannot stop thinking of my precious great niece.  I am in so much pain and suffer terribly from panic attacks.  I can't even express my actual thoughts and depression.  My husband is good, but doesn't understand me at all.  Just had to talk to someone.  I went to church this morning and cried during the entire service.  I ask God for peace and comfort.  I know he hears me and will help me, but I am so afraid I am completely losing my mind.  Nothing is the same anymore.  My great niece was my niece's only child and my sister's only grandchild.  I get no help with chores and the more I do the more they let me do. 

In December 1995, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. In the previous months, I suffered my first depression. I was a freshman in college & away from home for the first time. I began to slowly isolate myself from my friends & then my family. I ulitmately stopped going to classes & then left after 1st semester to go home. Once I was home, I went to a psychiatrist, was diagnosed & prescribed the first of many antidepressants.

For many years, I struggled with accepting depression, taking antidepressants regularly & going to doctors (numerous) on a consistent basis.

In 2000/2001, I became serious about treating my depression. I began to see doctors regularly & take antidepressants, as prescribed. Throughout the next 5 years, I met my husband, got married & moved to 3 different states due to my husband's career. In each state, I always established a therapist & a psychiatrist.

In our most recent move here to Indianapolis, I have had a more difficult time establishing good doctors. I did find a very good psychiatrist & with her guidance/support, slowly tapered down & went off the 3 antidepressants that I had been on for over 5 years. I made the decision because I had reached a really great point in my life & my husband & I decided to try to start a family (with infertility issues), as well as some other factors. At any rate, I suffered horrible withdrawal symptoms but struggled through with thoughts of being drug-free for the first time since I was in high school. Slowly, I started to become severely depressed again. For the past 3 months, I have struggled trying to find good mental health doctors (and as many of you probably know, it is the worst time to try to find help).

Currently, I have found a good therpist which I am trying to see weekly, as long as I am able to make it out of bed & the house. Tomorrow, I am scheduled to see a 4th psychiatrist & am just hoping that he works out. I am thinking that I need to go back onto an antidepressant.

That's my story, very much in a nutshell. Thanks for starting this thread.

Take Care.