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Posted 10/24/2006 7:19 PM (GMT 0)

Hi!everyone.It has been a while .I still have my depression.To give you a history,My wife and I(which was eight and half months pregnant)had a car wreck.She had two months to finish her nursing degree and I was starting student teaching in two days.Well,my wife is now totally disabled and my daughter is fifteen years old.I take care of them both.I've been dealing with depression for at least fifhteen years,and it hasn't gotten any better.I've taken several different typs of anti-depression med's,and nothing seems to work for very long.I feel so lonely.My wife ,if you can call her that,is unable to be my wife.The way I get through each day is telling myself that maybe today I will die.I hope it is the day I die..The thought of living a long time with this hurt is really too much.I know my daughter needs me,but I feel my bad luck will rub off on her.She would be better off without me.I can't or won't kill myself.I just ask God to please let me die.I have life insurence,so they will be taken care of. It might sound strange,but the thought of being dead sounds good.The pain of living is getting too hard.I feel I have nothing in life to live for.I've had some other hard times in my life,and I always pulled my self out of it.But,this is something different.I don't know what I'm saying.I just know I don't want to live any longer! mad  

Posted 10/24/2006 7:27 PM (GMT 0)
Have you thought about getting a divorce? Do you have a counselor? I know many people who are caregivers suffer from depression. I think you should talk to someone about this before it gets worse. I hope you are feeling better soon.
Posted 10/24/2006 7:28 PM (GMT 0)

tucker, have you seen a therapist ? it really sounds to me like you may need someone to talk to about all of the emotions that you have going on right now. your daughter definatly needs you-but she needs you to be emotionally strong for her also- fifteen is such a hard age for girls-you need to be there for yourself so you can be there for her......do you have any help from anyone outside of your home? if not, you need to get some, you need your time away from the situation so that you can get better. wishing for death is not the answer- getting help is!!!!! please take the time to make an appt and go and see somone professional that you can talk to. we are all here for you anytime you need to vent.....take care and god bless you and your family

jules

Posted 10/24/2006 8:12 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the reply!I have seen a therapist before,but like the med's,it only helped for a while.I try to tell people about my life and me.It helps!I know my daughter needs me,but everyone I have loved has been hurt being with me.I've just given up.Like I said before,I've been able to pull myself up from some major problems.I don't know where I'm supposed to get a feeling that things can and are going to get better.I have no life like it is.I don't really have any help with the family.I don't have any friends anymore.I just don't have any hope left.The only way out of my situation is to die.I don't feel I have nothing else left.I've lost interest in everything.I don't enjoy anything anymore.I just go through the motions of everyday life.My wife is not getting any better.Everything in my life is getting worst,so what's left?I just want you to know how much it means to me to have you respond to my e-mail.I feel so alone that it helped reading your e-mail.Thanks again!

Posted 10/24/2006 8:18 PM (GMT 0)
Bluemeanies,divorce is really out of the question.I feel a guilt about the accident.It was not her fault,so I couldn't leave her in her shape.I'm caught in between a rock and a hard place without an option.That's why I have no hope.I wish I could find something inside of me to want too!Thanks for the reply!
Posted 10/24/2006 8:52 PM (GMT 0)

Tucker, I am also a cargiver at this point in my life, my husband has parkinsons disease and psychotic depression, I also have a 12 year old daughter at homw to take care of and am working a fulltime and part time job to try and make ends meet- sometimes the resentment that i feel for my husband is huge!!!!!! I JUST WANT A NORMAL LIFE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.  but in reality i know that my life will never be the same, so i have to make the most of what god has given me, october 14th my oldest daughter was married at the age of 24, it was most definatly one of the happiest days of my life to see her so beautiful and happy! what i am trying to say- is that one day before you know it- it will be your daughter walking down that isle, believe me that is one more reason to hang onto life as we know it. ........ please consider seeing a therapist- or if things are as bad as you say maybe a trip to the emergency room with a short stay somewhere would benefit you and your family at this point. everyday is worth living no matter what is thrown our way, you just need to get to place in your life were you believe that also

jules

Posted 10/24/2006 11:25 PM (GMT 0)
Tucker, I have the same feelings that you do.  I don't really want to die.  I just want to fall asleep and have it be over.  Tucker, you are a good man.  You have a good heart.  Your life took a turn for the worse and you are living a very difficult life.  My heart goes out to you.  Do you have a therapist?  Do you have a support group?  Many local community churches (or non-religious) have support groups for people like you.  CODA - Codependents Anonymous would even offer you a lot of support.  You need people to care about you.  What kinds of things do you enjoy?  Do you like to read or play with your daughter? Whatever you like to do - do more it.  Self-care is of the utmost importance.  You have a right to be here.  You have a right to be happy.  I pray for you that you will find peace.
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