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I'm usually not angry but now I am...

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Posted 10/22/2006 5:13 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone, I have been going through a major depression with intense anxiety.  I contemplated suicide.  I couldn't see a way out of the hole.  Instead, I reached out to everyone and asked for help.  I have chronic migraine and have been on state disability the last 10.5 months.  My husband left me in September after only 4 months of marriage - with an email.  I think he suffered from anxiety and depersonalization and maybe even narcisstic personality disorder.  He couldn't just admit that it was him so he projected all of it on to me.  I'm 42, a Christian woman, who waited a long time for the right guy.  He was a con man - a fraud and he fooled me and everyone in my family.  Looking back I should have gotten closer to his family and found out about this stuff because after he left they told me they knew it was gonna happen.  Anyway, he is the least of my problems now.  I am completely broke, my automobile needs repairs, my dog was diagnosed with a tumor recently, I have to go back to work, I have to find someplace to live.  I desperately need a place to stay for a couple of months so that I can get on my feet.  I have been independent since I was 18!  I'm the oldest and my parents (even then) made me feel like I was just another body that was in the way. I have no family support.  Not because they can't but because they won't -- because they are selfish.  This is how I've lived my whole life with family, friends and significant others.  When people had a need I felt like I needed to help them.  Now that I have a need, they don't feel like they need to help me.  I'm angry because now I know that even if I am at the lowest point in my life, they won't be there for me and I wish that I hadn't given so much of myself to them. I'm just amazed too because 2 strangers from my church and an aquaintence helped me by giving me a small amount of cash and buying me some groceries.  I am surprised, bewildered and hurt that my friends and family -- the ones that know how desperate I am are just saying things to me like - well what about your family?  or what about your church?  Nobody wants to be inconvenienced.  I feel very alone and scared.  I know that God will see me through this because I want to live and I want to heal.  I'm just experiencing a lot of anger right now.  I don't want to focus on the bad -- I want to focus on the good but I find myself feeling resentful of my friends and family right now.  Does anybody ever feel this way? Does anybody have any words of encouragement?

Posted 10/22/2006 6:58 AM (GMT 0)

hopefulmigrainer said...
I know that God will see me through this because I want to live and I want to heal.  I'm just experiencing a lot of anger right now. 

Anger isn't always bad.  Seems this low point has made a lot of things painfully clear to you.  Well channeled anger can be a great motivator! 

You really get it now about relationships.  You also see that your needs can be met from unexpected sources.  We often limit the generous outpouring of the Almighty by saying we want X gift or consideration from Y source ... and it just doesn't work that way.  If we simply put our needs out there, we can be grateful whenever and however they manifest.

Try not to be resentful of the good you've done that isn't returned - hard as that is, I can tell you from my own experience that it doesn't help matters.  Your desire to be well, your deep faith, and your reaching out will benefit you far more than hindsight.

Keep posting; start a journal if you haven't already; discuss your needs with your therapist; know that we are here for you.   :-)

Posted 10/22/2006 7:06 AM (GMT 0)
wmnak, I do agree with your reply and thank you for taking the time to offer words of encouragement. My Mom told me to "stop worrying about people failing you and do it yourself." Well, God didn't design us to "do it ourselves." I am uncomfortable with the feelings I am having because I no better. I have a lot to be thankful for in spite of how unbearable the depression, chronic pain and lack of ability to pay my basic bills. Thanks for being there. :)
Posted 10/22/2006 1:16 PM (GMT 0)
I know about the desperation and the thoughts of suicide. I was there, and still am there. I am in a constant worry about bills and my husbands job and find it so hard to deal with all the worries. Right now I'm just going day by day, I can't even think ahead to next week or next month. I am sorry your family isn't being more helpful, that can be so hard. Keep talking, it helps to get it out. Hugs to you!!
Posted 10/22/2006 1:40 PM (GMT 0)
Well...my story is a little wierd. My family was from hunger and they were pretty bad. Then I met my wonderful husband who helped me to see that there are good people on the planet. Now I am beginning to see that since my husband died people have used my aloneness to their own advantage. I've been asked to do this, do that, do the other thing for them. In return they have invited to their family dinners but it came with a big price tag. Now I am going back to the mind frame I used to have before I met my husband. Stay away...be afraid of those who bear gifts...be argumenative and suspicious. It is a crummy world out there.

However, don't let them win...don't commit suicide for goodness sake. Let God sort the whole mess out. Continue with your life but BE PRAGMATIC. Watch out for number one...you are number one in your life. And remember 'I AM ENOUGH'.
Posted 10/22/2006 1:57 PM (GMT 0)

I agree too that anger can be a great motivator...sometimes my anger is the only thing that gets me moving.  I am sorry that your family and friends are not supportive of you and are not helping you during you time of need.  I can very well understand where your coming from.  When I was with my husband I had doctor, hospital and medication bills rolling in by the truck load, thousands of dollars that I didnt have.  He refused to help me pay for them, I have MS and was dxed after we were married, I watched him buy expensive electronic games, TV's, all kinds of things, while I was drowning in debt.  I still had to pay to him my "half" of the bills, house payment and utilities.  Granted I wasnt going to be homeless but money problems is a huge stressor and when you have an illness it compounds everything together.

I dont know if you have checked into this and I know of this program from my previous job.  Your on disability and limited income you can go to Division of Family Services and file for Section 8 housing (that is what it is called here in MO, maybe differant in other states) but it prorates your rent according your income.  If your on disability you should more than qualify for this and if your in the postion of getting ready to lose your house or apartment they can put in for emergency status and bump you up on the list.  You find an apartment and they take care of the rest.  It is worth checking into...if you havent already.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Posted 10/22/2006 7:32 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Suzy, Joan and Elisha - I appreciate your stopping by to read my post and offer words of encouragement and advice. Elisha -- I am state disability at this time. I have not appliced for SSI because I cannot live on the amount. I have to look for a new job now and have a paycheck by Nov. 30th. If I can't keep working I will apply for SSI. I have just felt very alone through this process and I get scared "what's going to happen to me?" Sometimes it feels like life is not worth living because I have no many problems to overcome and health issues and depression. My little doggie is the best thing in my life. I am going to apply for SSI so that I can ask questions about what my life would look like if I could not work at all. It's scary but my only other choice is to check out and I really don't want that nor do I want to be the person who doesn't embrace each day with hope.
Posted 10/24/2006 11:00 AM (GMT 0)
I have dealt with a lot of narcissistic people in my life, and they are the worst. They suck everything out of others to meet their own needs. Try to surround yourself with people who are truly caring and empathetic. I hope you feel better soon and I am glad you have found some help with your church.
Posted 10/24/2006 5:22 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Sunshine - your advice is right on. Something important I am learning from all of this is that I have to take care of myself first - others 2nd. If they are narcisstic they will see that in me and run and now I can say - good riddance! Thank you for reaching out with words of encouragement. God bless.
Posted 10/25/2006 11:38 PM (GMT 0)
I am glad you are hanging in there.  It is good that you have some friends at your church.  Don't check out but check up on what you may be entitled to from the government.  We all know that some government officials have been corrupt.  They have taken millions of our tax dollars.  You are entitled to a little bit of help now so see what you can find for yourself.  I really do hope that everything improves for you.

Posted 10/25/2006 11:44 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Joan. My state disability is ending on 11/30. I am looking for full time employment in the midst of all of this. Do you think it is possible that they might help at this point? The state pays for 1 year and then they are done with you -- no extensions. I would apply for SSI and I'm sure I would get it but being that I have nobody to move in with even temporarily until I can change my life -- I have to be certain that I can cover my bills. I'm trying to find a roommate who will take me and my dog and my cat and without a deposit. Not easy to do. I will say one really great thing though - -my doggie is okay. The tumor is benign. I am so happy for him!
Posted 10/26/2006 10:12 PM (GMT 0)
Maybe somebody at United Way could help you until you get on your feet. Possibly if you have friends at the church, they will help you out. You should apply for SSI if possible. Perhaps you will get it quickly...aren't you entitled to welfare in the meanwhile? You should see a knowledgeable social worker. Maybe you will find a roommate too and this person could become a nice friend. I hope that things go well. Glad your doggie is ok!
Posted 10/27/2006 3:17 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, Joan. Your suggestions are excellent. I need to apply for SSI immediately. I have a lot of research to do on the rest but since I must have a paycheck by 11/30 (and one sufficient to cover my overhead for now) I have to focus on looking for a new job. I sent my resume to a temp agency today. Next week I'll start my search. I'm scared. My depression and anxiety has stolen my self esteem. I'm doing better now though, getting some things accomplished and oh so very happy that my doggie is ok.
Posted 10/30/2006 8:31 PM (GMT 0)
HM - you have strength in you that you may not even know about and have not yet tapped. I can hear it in your words and in your resolve. I think you have received some really great advice here and I know that you will put things back together. How nice that you have people in your church who understand what it is to truly care about people. A temp agency is a great place to start to bring in the paycheck. Also think about a professional career advisor. It did wonders for me and helped me really get where I want to be. See if your church can refer you on to any social service agencies. Let people help you. You are the kind of person who will return that help in kind someday. Not because it is expected but because you will remember how wonderful it was to have help when you needed it yourself.

Keep moving forward, you have already taken great steps toward turning your anger into action.
Posted 10/31/2006 2:04 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you stronglady for your words of encouragement. I am still suffering but my doggie is going to be okay, my automobile is operable now and I have a roof over my head. I do agree about wanting to help people in need. I have always had a heart for the underdog but having gone to the bottom like this I know how much it means for someone to buy a bag of groceries or slip a $20 bill in your pocket. People need people and sometimes those aren't who you might think they should be put God provides a way. I'm still extremely anxious but no longer wanting to end my life. I feel so anxious because I have to face it at the bottom. I know that God will help me.
Posted 10/31/2006 8:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hopeful I am SOO glad to hear your doggie is going to be OK. That must be such a relief. Without that worry you can use your pets as therapy pets.
I know mine certainly help me. Lately I have notice a huge difference in the way I greet my pets from the way I greet my wife when I get home. I am so truly happy to see the pets, and I talk baby talk to them.

I'm sure my wife notices it too, but I can't stop it, they are just too darn cute!!

Glad to hear you are feeling better. I really hope things work out for you and soon.

tase
Posted 10/31/2006 8:59 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Tase. I am having the hardest time finding housing that will allow my doggie. I don't understand why Landlords dislike pets so much. My doggie is well behaved and no bigger than a cat but is like a child to me. Tell your wife to wag her fanny like the doggies do when you get home from work and you might have the same reaction. J/K! :)
Posted 11/1/2006 5:32 PM (GMT 0)
my words may not mean much, i am young and have never been out there without my mother's support but i do want to tell you that i am so proud of you that you are on your own and fighting your way through. GOOD FOR YOU. not having your family help is so discouraging. you've made it this far without their help, you can do this. GOOD LUCK.
Posted 11/1/2006 7:10 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much Ashley for your sweet and encouraging words.
Posted 11/1/2006 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
no problem :)
Posted 11/3/2006 1:59 AM (GMT 0)
Yes, you can become very strong when you are alone. It creates this wonderful and flexible muscle that you can rely on and makes your core as solid as a rock.

peace on and bless all
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