Hi...My name is Crystal and I am new to the site. I wanted to tell you a little about me and why I am here.
First, I am a 23 yr old mother of 3 boys (6,4,1) and 15 weeks pregnant. I am married and have been for 2 years on Nov 27. My husband has been affected by my depression and cant understand the basics of him no matter how lamen I get. To me, our marriage has been shaky for the past year. I have been feeling really down and feel like I am not attractive to him. I am realizing that its my depression fighting with him, not me.
I have been battling depression for about 10 years. When I was young about 10 to 15 years old, I had many thoughts of suicide and wrote poems to relieve the thoughts. If you want I can post them for anyone who wants to read them. To me I felt like I could handle it. It got a little worse when I had my son and started having thoughts of smothering him. He is now 6 years old and all those thought have vanished. Whenever I felt that way, I went out and had my mom take care of him. With each kid, it gets worse. I cry all the time, feel like Im not worthy of having a family and feel alone all the time. I dont take medication because I dont want to feel like a zombie, and I cant now because Im pregnant, my doctor wont prescribe anything. I dont want to go to a psychologist because of privacy and embarrasment issues. I also have a vengful ex that would use it against me in a court battle if he ever found out. So I stay hidden and hide my depression
Everyone on my moms side has depression and half of them are now alcoholics. I dont want to turn into that.
I was watching Oprah today and realized that psychosis and bi polar can string from depression and that scared me. On there was a father who killed his 2 five year old girls because he wasnt getting adequate help with his depression. I decided to join a post because nobody here knows me and its easier to talk about. I have been having issues non-stop for about 2 months. I lash out at my 2 youngest kids for stupid reasons and I hide in my room all the time to not do that to my kids. I avoid them because I stay at home with them all day everyday and am afraid I will get too angry and might spank them too hard or too much.. I feel like a horrible mother but know I can get through this if I have someone who understands to talk to. I admit I am in emotional trouble because of existing depression(genetic) pregnancy depression and emotional trauma from my childhood depression.. I am working on it but need a little more..