Depression and Social Withdrawl

Hello,

I've been feeling different for about 2 years now and i just realized that it is depression. My main problem has been that i have been going through social withdrawl, i find it hard to make conversation with people (including my friends). Before i developed depression i was a reletively outgoing person and i had many close friends, but then i somehow found a way to distance myself from them and i wasn't quite sure why i was doing it so when they asked why i didn't hang out with them much anymore i didn't have an anwser. Drifting away from my friend made my depression worse but when i got lonely and needed my close friends i had already drifted to far away from them and was having trouble connecting with them so my encounters with them 1 on 1 were uncomfortable. I still see them and hang out with them but whenever i'm around people i don't feel like talking and when i do i don't feel comfortable. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for about 2 months now and she disgnosed me with depression and is starting me on medication soon. I was just wondering if anyone has experienced something similar to what i'm going through with having trouble making conversation with other people and does the medication help with the social withdrawl aspect of depression?

Thanks

David

hello hopefulmigrainer,

 big smile- lotsa tears-seems like we have a lot in common..who knew. God works in mysterious ways. You just gotta try.

 My dog to saved my life...for a while. My biggest problem is I still talk to this jerk. I still try to help. Its like talking to a bowl of jello. I have been so concerned about him that I forgot about me. I have to let go or I will drown. Some would say 'whats to lose?' Love is a funny thing. I think the biggest thing for me is he has my love, a part of my soul, and I cant get it back. But my soul has had enuff and I am sick now too and have been for a very long time. I just cant believe that another human being would do that to another and as a woman we tend to internalize it. In our minds we know its not us...in our hearts we dont. The eternal optomist...always hopeful...and now I just see the grains of my life slipping threw my fingers and time is so short, and what other being wants to listen to this and blah blah blah. All the negative messages are there constantly day in and day out. So are the good ones...but those are hard to hear at times. Aftre being separated for 3 years I think I am still in shock...still searching for the magic words that will fix him and give me back what he stole.

 I wish we did have a doggie park...lol..sometimes I take my big guy down to the river and he plays 'rock'. He loves to roll rocks around and tease me with' come get my rock'. He makes me laff, really laff. picked up 10 pounds of dog poo yesterday too...almost felt normal for a minute.

 Went to chapters yesturday, the book you recommended wasnt available, but they will order it for me. But i did find something else...its called 'sacred contracts' by Caroline Myss. Its a spiritual book about the contract we made with God and how we can get back on course when we take a detour. It ties Buddahism in with islam, christianity etc. along with astrology, and it has some excercises so you can try and find your true path. I refuse to believe this is it. My soul is starved for truth and if nothing changes, well then....nothing changes.

 The guys at work were okay...dont know how much they know but I try not to think about that. Cant afford to, and they are not important anyways...I hate them all. I am always very nice and polite but where I work and their attitudes just keep my pain front and centre in my head. I gotta find a different job as it to is a symptom of my pain. We all work for the same industry, meaning me and the jerk. Its just a constant reminder. So I will take the big plunge and go job hunting day after tomorrow. Get that..I do 2 days of work and get 4 more off. If I sit and do nothing for 4 more days I will be at risk again. I am encouraging my girl to spend time with her friends and to find happiness in that. I feel so guilty about what she knows and what she has been through. Lately she has had to be the mom. Thats not right.

 Yes I have forgiven this man...but only just recently stumbled upon the fact that just because you forgive someone does not mean you have to be with them, hang with them or say anything to them. its been tough..finally said I wanted no more contact with him just 2 days ago...thats tough too. But he was the last negative thread in my life to be cut lose. Had to be done tho...he just confuses me.

 Holidays and friends...I have no friends really. Just the guys at work and that gets complicated as most are married etc. They cant exactly go home to their wife and say' hey hon, like ya to meet my friend from work'...I doubt that would go over very well. That tends to make most wives paranoid and puts the guy in an awkward position..

 Sure I can go hang with the divorced guys club at their watering hole (bar) but that just turns into a gong show. No thanx. I do have a son whjo lives here and we do get along...and then theres my girl. But they are teens and young adults...they'll come watch a movie for a bit but are very busy with their social lives...and parents are 'not cool' to hang with.

 Its basically just me and C.C. and Sampson...and sometimes I feel thats for the best as I tend not to like very many people. But it kinda works against being human...we are a social creature after all. I am seeing a psycholigist. He suggested I go work at the soup kitchen here...funny you should mention it. My daughter said she would like to go if I go. Am not afraid of street people or people down on their luck...they seem more emotionally real than a lot of people who seem to have it together. Did my time on the street as a kid, and am lucky to be here. Should've died a long time ago...but I can relate really well to people that are suffering hard times due to bad choices or mental health issues.

 I am hoping through this book that I mentioned to you that I will find out where I am supposed to be...I feel like a misplaced person....and kinda like 'whats the point?' Like blaaaahhhhh...just sitting in a bus depot waiting to die kinda feeling that w nt go away.

 well, today is a new day isnt it. Somehow I feel like this great big hand has come along and grabbed me by the back of my shirt and is gently but firmly dragging me to my feet...and down the road. Its saying 'move...or die'. I tried to ignore it, telling myself ' I dont have the energy for this...and I cant possibly do what you're suggesting'. I was in the back yard playing tossy toy with Sampson yesterday...and got a vision. I saw Sampson and myself visiting older people...It was very strong. This vision chased me around all afternoon untill I finally conceded and got on the phone with some volunteer organizations. Now....Sampson has an interview with me at a local extended care facility on thurs. Gulp. Scary. I mean just because he has helped me does that mean he can help others? Will they reject him? Just because I love him to bits doesnt mean everyone is going to...maybe He was intended only for me...its pretty arrogant to think he could be the same thing to someone else isnt it? The fear of rejection ways heavily in on this venture. Failure would bring me crashing back down. And the lady on the phone sounds...uppity..I get the vision of a condescending, well dressed, I'm better than you type of person. And I always turn into a 3 year old on the inside when dealing with these sorts of people. I never feel good enuff when in those situations and that rejection is immenent.

 My girl is going to come with me and hold my hand...thank God for her. I also made another mile stone last night. The ex tried to contact me even tho I said there would be no contact anymore. Have said this before and renegged on my promise to myself. Not this time. I gave the phone to my girl and told her that from now on it was just going to be him and her...no talking about mom..just them and their relationship...and please take the phone somewhere else 'cause I'll just end up breaking down and talking to that bowl of jellow again. All of a sudden I have this strength...and many ideas. Its been years since I felt this way.

 I still have many fears and it would be oh so easy to just forget about everything...but this great big hand wont let me...dont know if I have set myself up for a bad time and if I am going to make a jack ass out of myself with this one.

 Thankyou for your prayers-smile-hope your t-weekend went okay. Ours was last month as I am in Canada.

 I have to take 'the big guy' to the vets today and get his shots updated etc for this interview. Then the criminal check etc. Its a process...gulp.

hello Hopefulmigrainer,

 smile- I posted a note to you yesterday but it never got posted for some reason-I was again talking about my big guy and where I had found him and that YES indeed-dog spelled backwards spells God. I'll tell the story again.

 He found me at work. He was hanging around, lieing on the cold cement in the middle of june. He was starving and weak. The guys called the dog catcher- but when the dog catcher came he dissappeared-when the catcher left, he reappeared. Thats when my inner voice said, 'hey wait a minute- hes here for me". This call is for me. At one point I went to drive the company vehicle around the side of the building and this dog stood up right in front of the van and stared at me over the hood. Contact. I had no choice but to look into those big soulfull suffering eyes and I knew he was going home with me.

 If I had a magic wand and waved it at Sampson, there is no doubt in my mind he would turn into the biggest, most handsomest man in all the world, with the deepest understanding of suffering and pain. Oh for magic wands and fairy tales. You see, I had been praying for a handsome man with good manners- but I wasnt specific enough I guess- I forgot to mention the word 'human'. And I believe its another lesson in you dont always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.

 I started out okay this morning and went steadily down hill. You see, my suicide attempt did not just include me. I am sorry to say, at that moment in my dark and twisted way of thinking, I could not bear to leave my child here, alone, to deal with lifes b.s. all by herself. At that point I saw no choice but to take her with me. I was going to kill us both. I scared her really bad...and she has a bad time being here at times. She doesnt trust me now, and she is quiet and withdrawn. This is horrible..I really screwed up. She has dealt with so much already at the tender age of 16..yet we have no family support to speak of who can help. She has no where else to go and refuses to go into care. She says she'll run away if I make her do that. All I can do is step up to the plate and be a bigger and better person at this point.

 So, yes I am going to do this new venture. I like old folks. I used to have my own cleaning business years ago and most of my clients were elderly. I'de get to their houses only to find them immaculate and all the old dolls wanted was a chat. Smile. Of course I'de talk with them- at the time I was alone too and dealing with the same old demon- the gay ex. Only then we were still pretending, and my little girl was blissfully ignorant with no knowledge of our problems at all. She was hiding in her beanny babies, making book marks and selling them for a quarter door to door in our neighbourhood and taking sewwing lessons. How I miss that little girl.

 I hope your Samson is okay. Sounds like you did the right thing taking him to a different vet. If something doesnt feel right..it generally isnt. Always listen to your gut feelings.

 I know if I lost my Sampson right now I'de be lost- hes my life line. My girl is to...but have had to step back from that for obvious reasons.

 I wish I could afford to take a rest, to focus on me and my problems and come to a conclusion. I know I shouldnt be working right now and at times should probably be in a hospital. Things get so hard sometimes I feel like my feet are stuck in mud. I forget to eat, cant sleep and am on the brink of tears a lot.

 But, my dear, it is wonderful to have you here to talk to. I cant believe my luck. Well, luck has nothing to do with it really. God gives us what we need.   

 Yes, I am seeing a psychologist. I go again on thurs afternoon. My girl went to my first session with me which was last week. Hopefulmigrainer I cant find your e-mail addy. Am I looking in the wrong place?

 The thing that bothers me about the psychologist is he puts a clock on the counter when we start, and I pay 50$ an hour that I can ill afford. It just seems...impersonal.

  I was on lithium years ago. It made me the dead thing walking- no feeling at all. I watched my daughter try paxil and effexor-both of which gave her panic and anxiety attacks so I am not real anxious to go there at all.

 I understand her not trusting me..I wouldn't either after that. She had to take control of the situation..get the knife out of my hand and get me into bed where she held me till I cried myself to sleep. I couldnt believe I was  doing it while I was doing it. The very next day I got up and found a psychologist and got on it. I knew if I didnt we were done.

 In Canada our social programs suck at the best of times. I live in the province of Alberta- which is not known for treating mental health patients with a lot of kindness. You have to be nearly dead with a disease to get on A.I.S.H. and even then they only pay about 700/mnth- I'de lose my house. Then try and find a place to rent that takes animals..good luck with that. I looked. No one wants pets in rentals anymore. Sampson needs a yard.

 This is an up and down thing with me...yes its manic depression, brought on by years of unhealthy situations.

 My mother wasnt much help when I was young. She hated me and always told me 'I knew when you were born you'de be my cross to bare'. She and my father were chronic alcoholics so the three of us kids grew up in the flight or fight syndrom. My sister is on the streets of Vancouver somewhere( havent seen her or my mother for 14 years) and my brother committed suicide in 1985. I said goodbye to my dad last January...I couldnt handle him anymore.

 It was never a dull moment at our house, with the added problem of my mom constantly trying to come up with a fool proof plan to kill my dad. All of us kids were counseled by her to do this. Its how we grew up- she wanted the insurance money and him gone. I wound up on the streets of Edmonton by the age of 15 on intravenous drugs and little chance of survival. I licked that problem at age 20 and havent looked back or relapsed. I have been married twice now and each one was a horror story. My 1st husband sodomized my eldest boy who is now 22- but you see what I am saying here- if its never been calm and normal EVER then how does one get calm and normal? I believe its conditioning from the get go to be like this.

 My psychologist summed it up nicley: so, youre one of these people that keeps there nose to the grind stone till you grind your nose off-

 There are no visual crisis happening right now. My bills are paid. I have a car and a house. To all looking from the outside it looks like I must have a wonderful life. Truth be told I havent got a clue how to live. In a crisis situation I am at my best. My hero comes out and saves the day.

I do have my triggers. A raised voice, a car door slammed really hard or crowds of people will usually send me into panic mode. My heart pounds and I cant breath. I usually just close my eyes and concentrate on my breathing and it passes...but it leaves me feeling sad and that all is pointless. The guys at work have learned the hard way not to slam the van door. I handle them sternly- almost in an army fashion. I gotta watch that. Polite but testy at the same time.

 I have been using my own visualisation- God has me in the palm of his hand and I am curled up resting-sometimes I see me and my 3 kids with me-I have 2 boys and my girl-both boys are on their own. Theres a lot of guilt here. So many ifs, and I wishes-but tomorrow is another day-

 I say the lords prayer every day, sometimes I say it all day- along with the serenity prayer it helps. Going to church is a whole other issue. I just cant. Thats a whole other posting...lol..

 I am so glad to have found this sight- tears hugs and smiles for all and a big thankyou.