Why be here???

I'm new to this board, so excuse me if I ramble on...

This year, in fact the last 3 months, hasn't been wonderful. I just lost my husband of 11yrs. on monday. He somehow aquired that flesh eating virus. He had been sick for 2 1/2 weeks before it overcame him. Needless to say, the holidays are going to be tough. Especially with him passing away just days before.

We had 3 beautiful children together, ages 3, 4, and 7. They are no longer here as well. They were taken in August of this year.

So you can see why this is going to be a very difficult time for me. I also have been battling severe depression for most of my life. I'm still taking my meds, so that's a good thing, I guess.

Thank you for letting me ramble on...

I have no family support. I'm pretty much coping (or trying too) by myself... with the exception of some friends.

Dear Silent, I'm so glad that you found HealingWell.  That is a start.  Their are many wonderful people here.  You must be in a state of shock.  Please be sure that you are going to a psychologist now - regularly.  Also, do you go to church?  A lot of the larger community churches have grief counseling groups and pastoral counseling.  If not, ask your therapist about a grief recovery group.  My heart goes out to you.  I am going to lift you up in prayer (hope you don't mind).  Just know that you can go on.  You have a right to be here and a purpose in spite of these horrible losses.  Just take one day at a time.  And if that get's to be too much, take one hour at a time and when you have those dark thoughts about not wanting to go on, come on here and post.  That's what I did and it helped me a lot.  Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Howlyncat said...
Lesleybird ......
I have a disease that is connected to my crohns that literally EATS my skin away from the inside out it is called Pyoderma Gangrenosum if you go to page 5 or 6 in A/P thread you can see pics of it ......The " flesh eatin disease is a real one : we had an outbreak of it here in Canada afew yrs back
Bacterial ......


Silent tears I am sorry for you loss of hubby ....I lost one in 1979 and my daughters Dad in 2003 so I do know your pain
Have your kids been taken away or what is going on there if you dont mind me asking ......
Please know there is support here
Lyn
Also an A/P forum you are welcome to pop over too

Thank you...

Sorry for the mess up, it was flesh eating BACTERIA... either way, he's passed away from it. So correcting it seems pointless. Sorry to snap like that...

As for my kids, yes they were taken away... as in custody. They said I was mentally unstable to care for them and blamed my husband for leaving them with me. I was (and still am) battling severe depression and suicidal thoughts. He was worried because I've had several attempts before. It got to the point I wasn't bathing regularly (I know... ewwww), wearing the same thing for days, etc... I just didn't give a darn about anything or anyone. My husband was concerned and called for a welfare check on me and the kids (since he hadn't heard from me in awhile). Well, it got worse from there. You get the pic....

No, I don't get to see the kids, they were already adopted out. I don't like mentioning about what happened to the kids because people have some preconcieved notion that child welfare (CPS) is synonymous with drug, alchol, physical abuse. I never, nor has my husband, ever treated our kids like that.

As for suicidal thoughts... they come and go off and on. Yesterday (Thursday) was hard for me. Almost reached my breaking point then. The worst thing about this season is watching other families go shopping, kids who laugh and run around... thinking "that could be my family", and knowing it never will. Knowing I'll never buy another gift for my kids, kiss my husband under some mistletoe... feel the happiness that I once knew. I can't even go to the store, it hurts so much watching them.

While everyone else is planning parties, get togethers, family celebrations... I'm planning a way of leaving. I want out... out of this pain I'm feeling, the lonliness, emptiness I feel inside. I feel so numb right now, I could do anything and it wouldn't faze me one bit.

So twisted inside, I don't know what to do... I just know what I need to do.

I've been to the second one... that's how my siggy came about.

Thank you, though

I'm already seeing a psychiatrist, but all they want to do is push pills down your throat. I'm taking Lamictal 200mg 2x a day, and Wellbutrin 150mg 2x a day.... as well as a wide assortment of other meds ($800 worth) every month. Luckily medicare pays for it. I've been taking them for over 2yrs now, I've had my ups and downs. I've lost jobs over my mood swings, loss of short term memory, etc... But after this happened, it made things a whole lot worse.

So you see, I'm at a loss as to what to do. My dr. wants to give me meds... and no one really cares. Cyber friends are great to talk too, to vent your feelings too... but it's not the same as having someone here, physically. I'm sure you can undersatand that, right?