I Hate My Life

Hi,

It's Rainey!  My life is in turmoil.  I Hate my life.  My husband is going to go off again.  It's written all over his face and I can hear it in his voice.  I know, I keep walking on egg shells hoping they won't break.  I feel so alone and afraid of him. 

His moods have been changing over the past couple of days and I'm climbing the walls.  I feel like I'm trapt and don't know what to do. 

I have not been able to take the meds that the doctor prescribed for me only one does because the very next day after I took the first dose I got sick.  Called the doc, she said to wait 1 week and try again although she thought I caught a bug that is going around, plus 1 dose would not be enough to help me anyway.

I know what I have to do but am so unsure of myself.  I got married when I was 17 years old and my husband is all I know.  I don't even know where to begin.  My mind is so mixed up with all different kinds of emotions. Oh my god please help me!

Rainey,
Here is some poems that I wrote awhile ago..I thought you might be able to relate.

She feels so alone but she’s not, the image laying next to her makes her tremble. She feels the pain as it heightens within her body. But years of practice have taught her to deter it from her mind.
So many nights of torture: feelings of fear and despair.
Who is going to save her? Will anyone ever be there?
Wishing for relief any way it will come. She walks alone in her dreams, the ones where her life has just begun.
She wonders who will be there or will she always have to run?
She doesn’t ask for much, just to feel safe, for the pain and fear to end, just once.
But for now she just lays there, afraid to breathe, who is going to save her, will anyone ever be there or will her life just end this way?

He knows how to hurt her, the exact words to say.
He breaks her down to tiny pieces making sure to do it each and every day.
Get away her mind screams, run and never look back. But the fear takes over as the words she’s heard seeps into her mind like a fast spreading disease.
Hiding within herself is her only way.
A tormented soul that yearns to laugh but knows it won’t happen that day.
One day she’s going to make it, even though it’s going to take all of her strength.
You can beat the disease; the antidote is within yourself, looking deep, find it and let it lead.

Hi There:

Thank you all for your info.  Shynsassy thank you for that poem that you wrote, oh how I can relate to it.

Well I'm trying to do something about what is going on.  There is just so much to be done before I actually walk out.  My husband and I have a business together, along with 5 rental properties in another state.  This is not an easy thing to do.  I realize once I walk out of hear there is no turning back.  I will loose everything.

I just want to get thru the holidays then I can better plan for my exit.  Meanwhile I'm trying to put up with what he feels like dishing out.  At times I feel like I just want to put an end to my life that way I would not have to even think about making my exit, I almost think that would be an easier solution.  What ever I should do I just want all of you to know that I appreciate all of your comments and help that you have given me.