Am I losing it?

Hi, I'm extremely sad today, so I went online to seek information about depression and anxiety. 14 years ago I was admitted to a psykiatric hospital and diagnosed with "a nervous breakdown". Since then I have suffered from depressions - mainly because my whole life has been about pleasing others and dilemmas between doing what I REALLY wanted and what I thought other people would want me to do. about 15 years ago I tried to commit suicide, but I didn't succeed, and about 16-17 years ago I think I was rape... and I never told anyone, not even the VERY skilled and nice therapist I'm seeing now. I think the reason why I never told anyone is the fact that I was very drunk, and I don't remember if I hit on him first... and I am still ashamed.

Today, have been the worst day, I can remember. For two weeks I've had sleeping disorder and panic attacks. The panic attacks scared me so much. I am afraid of changes... I vomit whenever I have to leave my apartment. Sometimes, when there is too many people around me, I can't breath and my heart i beating very fast. I cry everytime I'm alone. And I feel SO lonely - even around good friends - because I can't open up and I don't want to trouble them with my problems. My parents are very nice - and I love them, but they make it worse, when I try to open up to them...

I am divorced with to twin boys, and they are the only ones that can put a smile on my face and a laughter in my heart.

Today, I fell I'm facing the worst dilemma ever. On one hand I want to find peace. I want to sleep and never come back, but the thought of hurting my kids holds me back. And holding me back hurts, because then it feels like it will never end.

"Normally", I'm an outgoing person, and I talk to everybody, so it frightens me that I'm getting all these panic attacks.

I'm very gratefull that you took the time to read this, and maybe you can answer my question:

AM I LOSING IT?

Sincely,

SB

Hi SB, Welcome to Healing Well forum, we are happy to have you join us here and know how hard it is to first post. I can’t relate to rape as you have described but I was sexually abused by my stepfather for many years as a small child. I can understand the holding your feelings inside and self blame very well. I think the hardest part is coming to realize that it was NOT your fault and you did not in any way shape or form did anything to deserve this or cause it.

You’re on the right path with seeing a therapist its hard I know. Even harder trying to make sure that you do open up and discuss all the issues that you need to discuss no matter how difficult it may be. This is really the only way to get it out and try heal from it. Perhaps your therapist can recommend a Psychiatrist that you can see who can assess you regarding these panic attacks and sleeping problems. There are many medications that can help if you are open to this.

Healing doesn’t come easily, I was 11 year old when my abuse stopped, I am 33 now and I do still have problems and most likely always will (panic attacks, depression, PTSD) but I do go to counseling and see a Psychiatrist and take medication to help with this. Some days are harder then others but know that it will get better. You have two son’s that need you in more ways than just physically, they need a mentally healthy mom so they can grow up in a positive environment. I hope that through counseling you will be able to resolve this in your mind and heart and be able to live without these demons in your head.

I am going to leave you a few links just incase you feel you may need them. You can save them to your computer if you want or they will be here if you on this thread for you. I hope you won’t need them. Please do keep posting here, everyone is so very supportive and kind I am sure you will find many who have been through the same thing and can offer advice. We are always here for you. Take care…

http://suicidehotlines.com/

http://suicide.com/suicidecrisiscenter/

http://suicidal.com/depressionandsuicide/

Hi Susanne, I can relate to everything you have posted here.  I too have spent a great deal of my life putting on that same smile and pretending that I was fine and happy and pleasing others.  My job and education was in mental health so you learn to seperate your feelings from others when working with them.  But I learned this way before with my family and friends.  It took me 10 months of going to my counselor to get to the details of my abuse...for me it was easier to say "I was molested" but actually detailing it I had never done before, just in my head over and over.  It eats at you at little at a time. 

I do hold much hope for the future but I just really take things a day at a time.  I have forgiven myself for what happened and the child who didnt know any better.  It does still hurt and is still there, but I like to think that I am trying to turn my experiance into something positive instead of letting it beat me.

I am glad that you have great support in your counselor that is wonderful.  And I felt much the way you described after I detailed my experiance too.  So hopefully this is your path to healing.  Do keep in mind though that antidepressants sometimes stop working or lose their effect for some people so if your still feeling like this in a week or so you may want to call your prescribing doctor and ask for an increase or a change in medication just to ward off a worsening depression set back.

I too will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...keep up the hope things will get better