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Posted 12/29/2006 4:39 PM (GMT 0)

All the time at the moment Im feeling like I just can't carry on. All my family seem to do is shout alot and often use violence to solve their problems. I seem to be constantly paranoid, I am so scared of losing my friends that it seems to have cut me off from them. I spend increasing amounts of time on my own. I haven't slept properly in months and all I seem to do is help other people cope with their troubles and not my own. I don't have anyone to talk to properly as I am convinced that everyone I know will dump me and I feel like I'm going mad and I'm really lonely. Am I just being stupid? How do I stop this?

Thanks Sair xxxxxx

Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 1/2/2007 10:55:59 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/29/2006 11:30 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Saire:

Stop doubting your ability to carry on. Remember, feelings change, and just as sure as you felt differently a year ago, you will feel differently than you're feeling now. So hold on to that hope that your feelings will change, and for the better. I would distance myself from the violence and arguing that's going on in your family. Find somewhere quiet where you can try and find some peace even if it means going to the library. Paranoia often accompanies anxiety so try not to listen to those thoughts. Those thoughts are lying to you. And this thing about losing your friends. Ask yourself what that would mean, and you will find that fear of death is at the bottom of it. If I lose my friends then I'll be all alone, and if I'm all alone no one will be able to help me, and if no one can help me how will I survive that means I'll die. You're letting fear run your life. The cure for fear is faith. Start believing that God is taking care of you. Give God all your troubles and all your worries and all your fears. Let Him have them so you can rest. The self harming will stop as soon as you take away whatever reward it is you feel like you're getting from that behavior. People don't continue to repeat behaviors that they're not rewarded for, so you have to ask yourself, "What reward am I receiving from this behavior?" As soon as you realize there's no reward you will discontinue the behavior. Changing your thoughts will change your feelings. You are thinking thoughts that are basically are negative and untrue. You're magnifying the negative and minimizing the positive. Start writing down your negative thoughts, and then write a response to the negative thoughts that is more true and more reality based. You'll find that most of your thoughts presently are false and exaggerated once you start talking back to them on paper. Stop letting all those bad thoughts bang around in your head producing all the negative emotions and feelings you are experiencing. When you think "I feel like I'm going mad." You write next to that thought. "What indicators do I see that are leading me to this conclusion?" "How could a mad person write asking for help?" "If I were mad I would already have been taken to the nut house." "Mad people don't know they're mad now do they." So on and so forth until you've satified yourself that your original negative thought was and is indeed untrue. You are letting a bunch of untrue thoughts and ideas run your life. Talk back to those negative thoughts and watch them disolve under the light of reason. God bless you.

Posted 12/30/2006 1:08 AM (GMT 0)
Saire,

i know exactly where you are coming from. as i am writing this to you i am doing so with tears in my eyes because of the day i am having. even though mr. christian gives some good advice it is easier said than done. you can tell yourself all day that it is not that bad but convincing yourself of this is the hard part. i have never self- harmed myself and don't think that i ever would. however sometimes depression is hard to deal with. just hold your head up and fight like heck to get thru it
Posted 12/30/2006 2:10 AM (GMT 0)
Saire there is hope. I was hopeless at many points during my struggles but I educated myself about how to cope with these diseases, and now I try to pass on the knowledge I gained to people like yourself. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but your mind is trying to tell you otherwise which is a distorted, lying thought magnified by feelings birthed by the irrational thoughts of a mind tormented by beliefs and ideas that vanish when exposed to the light of truth. The truth is you are not going mad. The truth is that you do still have friends. The truth is you are going to make it. The truth is many before you have gone down this road and have lived to fight another day. There is hope. Believe me. I've been where you are, and I've returned to live a life free of those things that are tormenting you now.

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 1/1/2007 7:45:41 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/30/2006 2:53 PM (GMT 0)
emotions are, by definition, not rational.  when i was at my worst point in 1970, i knew that what i was doing and feeling was irrational but could not control myself.

there are many ways to TRUTH.  one way is to look for an epiphany, like paul on th road to demascus.  another is to analyse the problm to find a reason for it and then to work on the underlieing cause, such as freud and jung.  the current method is to combine "talk therapy" with medication.  quite frankly, all of them work and all of them fail.  reason?  how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?  one.  but the lightbulb must want to change.  this is, of course, an oversimplification.  but there is often truth found in taking things to their extreems.

light at the end of the tunnel?  it may well be an on-coming train.  if often is.  so what?  we'll deal with that, too.

i grew up (if that's the phrase for it) in an abusive dysfunctional family.  i found my solace by playing my guitar and by running away (emotionally, not physically.  life on the street had no appeal),  i took on many atributes which were distructive and am stikll dealing with them 60 yrs later.

find solice in religion?  why noit many do.  but remember that christianity is not the largest religion on god'ds green earth:  it's islam.  if it works for you, thenm may you and your progeny be blessed.  try to reason with unreansonable and unreasoned emotions?  it may be an excerice in mental masterrbation, but go for it.  i hope it works for you.  see a professional, or professional team to deal with the problem with medication (some mental illness, such as bipolar disorder, are caused by imnallances in brain chemicals - these don't respond well to preaching or reason) and other therapy modalities?  it workds for me better than the other suggestions.  don't have the money?  by law, your parents are required to provide for your health until you reach your age of majority, either 18 or 21, depending on state laws.  i didn't know this during the 50s and 60s when my problems began.  what a loss.

hope this helps.  i don't mean to offend anyone, only provide alternatives.

warren

Posted 12/30/2006 8:49 PM (GMT 0)

ath,

the purpose for this board, forum, and thread is to share experiences, ideas, and to present alternatives tio each other.   this is what i attempted to do in my last post and what you did in your previous post.  don't let a loud noise freighten you.  it's only a big noise.  and there is truth and light to be fopund there, too - just get through the media and get to the essence of the message.

i enjoy your postings and sincerely hope that you don't abandon us.

warren

Posted 12/30/2006 10:24 PM (GMT 0)
How I managed to upset someone is beyond me considering what I said, I can't imagine that it was in anyway argumentative. I apologize if I was misunderstood. I'm here to try and help people who are hurting from the same illnesses that I've suffered with for over 30 years. I think it's fair to say that to believe "that light at the end of the tunnel is an on coming train" is a wonderful way to color everything black, and is an endorsement of a philosophy that basically says, "hey, there's no hope, everything sucks, and we're all going to fail."
Posted 12/31/2006 6:42 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Saire,

I ahve just went through a period of depression for the first time in my life. I got through it by focusing on the positive. I had a lot of input from a lot of sources and I took what I liked and disregarded the rest. I think Mr. Christain has given you some excellent suggestions. Always go for the positive. While on the other hand Wmnak concept of the light at the end of the tunnel is a train is absurd. Why would anyone want to assume the negative. I have found throughout life the better your expectations the better the outcome. Is it always that way, of course not. If you listen to some of the greatest achievers in the world one thing is consistant amoung all of them "think positive". I doubt that Wmnak is one of lifes greatest achievers with his negative approach. The light at the end of the tunnel is exactly what you want and the light brings great things.

Good Luck and Gods Speed
Posted 12/31/2006 7:50 PM (GMT 0)
about 25 yrs ago, while living in england, my wife and i found a "spiritual home" in spiritualism.  i had a background in the kabbala, metaphyphysics, and mysticism.  we became good friends with several english spiritualists and attended many fascenating spiritualist serrvices.  at one point i was even invited to give a series of presentations at the spiritualist association of great britain (sorry, i can't remember the exact name any more - the mind goes first).

one of the things that my wife, friends, and i noticed was that many of the "psychuics" would use the phrase "there's light at the end of the tunnel" in order to provide hope to the recipient of the message.

i'm a cynic, amoungst other things.  cynics are the only truely happy people in the world.  if something goes wrong, they can say, "i told you so." and if things go well they can say, "well i'll be dam*ed!"  at any rate, whenever one of these "psychics" would say "there's light at the end of the tunnel," we would look at each other and, in unison, say, "yeah, an on-coming train."  i know, you weren't a party to this "inside joke."  if i offended your non-cynical (and therefore unhappy) sensibilities, that is unfortunate.

i believe in a god that is universal who doesn't care if he/she is called yhwa, jesus, or allah - or the great pumpkin.  darkness?  anyonwe who has read any of my postings would find quite quickly that i feel that all animate and inanimate objects in the universe are connected.  my basic religion, who cares?, is jewish.  and i toast l'chiam!, to life! rather than to "bottoms up."  my belief system is one of the here and now, with happiness and union with god the objective of incarnation.

am i attacking those who disagree with me? hardly.  last i checked, my religion was less than 3% of the population of the world.  of course my multi-great grandfather was a priest in the temple in jerusalum while the ancestors of my detractors were painting themselves blue with waddle and worshiping phalic symbols.

look, we all find our own paths to god, to happiness, and to immortality.  noone has been there and back to tell the rest of us who may be clocest to right about the destination.  personally, at this point i'm more interested in the journey.  i find it en"light"ening.  (sorry, cannot pass up a pun). 

and this is all too important to be taken so seriously.  lighten up.

warren

Posted 12/31/2006 9:52 PM (GMT 0)
Saire,

I know full well the pain you are feeling and I am sending you a hug.

If depression was that easy to "get over"........none of us would be posting. It is a daily struggle....some days better that others.

I am send you a hug!

Levonne
Posted 12/31/2006 11:31 PM (GMT 0)

Leigh Ann, I have removed your post due to it violating forum rules#12 No Flaming of another member (including insulting).  Should you of had a problem with this member you should of e-mailed a forum moderator regarding your concerns instead of airing them on this board.  Thank you.  Elisha

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 1/1/2007 7:24:10 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/1/2007 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
To Whom It May Concern:
I'm to love others as myself. I let frustration with being misunderstood cause me to fail in that goal. I love all of you who I've, for whatever reason, have become a target. Please re-read my postings to Saire. There is a lot of good information in there for anyone willing to listen. What has happened is that the few very small references I made about God have overshadowed the knowledge I have to help hurting people. I've suffered for over 30 years with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, as well as severe migraines. I've educated myself about these illnesses in the beginning to help myself overcome them. A friend of mine told me about this site, and, knowing my extensive knowledge and experience with these maladies encouraged me to join and begin to try and help the hurting. I did just that, but, because of my belief that all healing comes from God I've been attacked, even though 99% of my postings had nothing to do with God. It's a shame that people become so upset at the mention of Jesus. I couldn't care less if someone else mentioned Budda, or Muhammad, or Captain Kangeroo as their god. I'm not intimidated by other people's beliefs. I'm not threatened by other's beliefs. I thought America was all about freedom of religion, but it appears that is not the case regarding this website. You really have to start to wonder if our freedom of religion is not being denied when someone like myself is so vehemently attacked for expressing his faith. God bless you all, and my you someday understand the meaning of 1 Corinthians 1:18 "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing." You really have to ask yourself. How did God know that the people who are attacking me now for my belief knew hundreds of years ago that the message of Jesus is foolishness to the people who are perishing? Because it's obvious that Jesus is foolishness to my attackers.

Mr. Christian, I am so very sorry that you feel you were attacked for your beliefs and your postings.  All that I can say is that on this web site we do attract many people from all over the world and due to this and to try to minimize as much confilict as possible we do ask that members limit religious postings or referenences to "my prayers are with you" or a brief quote.  Only to be intended as a offering of mutual personal support.  This is forum rule # 10. America is all about freedom of religion as you stated however, this web site is privitely owned and asks that members follow these rules.  I can see that you have a lot to contribute here and would like to see you keep posting.  Thank You ~ Elisha

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 1/1/2007 8:10:29 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/1/2007 2:19 AM (GMT 0)
Mr. Christian, this website isn't against religion. We have just learned from experience that once a religious debate begins, it can turn into a personal bashing fest. We welcome everyone, and simply try to keep any personal differences from causing problems.
No one wants to read a long ongoing "nasty" thread, so we try to avoid letting them start.
I hope that everyone here can work out their differences and stay on as posters at HW.
Best Wishes
Sarah
Posted 1/1/2007 5:57 AM (GMT 0)
LOOK I AM SORRY IF I STARTED ANYTHING BY NOT AGREEING WITH SOME THINGS THAT WERE SAID . I AM NOT A GOD HATER. I LOVE GOD AND HAVE ATTENED CHURCH MY WHOLE LIFE SO THE RELIGIOUS ASPECT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF IT. I JUST GET SO SICK OF HERE " FOCUS ON THE POSOTIVES" BECAUSE MOST TIMES I CAN'T FIND THEM

THAT IS WHY I AM HERE.....I HOPE SOMEONE CAN HELP ME FIND A POSOTIVE. I HIT ROCK BOTTOM about 3 DAYS AGO AND IT HAS BEEN BAD SO WHEN I CAME HERE IT JUST ALL HIT MY THE WRONG WAY. I TRY TO TALK MYSELF THRU POSOTIVE THINKING BUT RIGHT NOW THERE IS NOTHING. THAT IS ALL I WAS TRYING TO SAY

MR. CHRISTIAN.... I DO APOLOGIZE FOR GETTING THE OTHER STARTED ON YOU I FEEL LIKE IT IS ALL MY FAULT.

I THINK I HAVE BIPOLAR SO I GO MANIC AND THEN I DEPRESS....... WELL THIS IS MY FIRST DEPRESSED STATE SINCE MY MANIA. THE REASON I DON'T KNOW IF I AM OR NOT IS BECAUSE MY THERAPIST WAS A JOKE AND I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A PSCHIATRIST. THAT IS WHY IT HURT SO MUCH WHEN YOU WERE TALKING about FINDING ALL THE POSOTIVE AND KNOWING THAT WHAT WE ARE THINKING IS NOT RATIONAL. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
Posted 1/1/2007 6:53 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Saire, welcome to HealingWell. I am a forum moderator on the Anxiety/Panic forum. I have been struggling with deep depression myself. However, I just want to apologize to you for the battlefield that became of this post. It is ironic, because you are obviously a sensitive person and living in the midst of angst and violence. That kind of tension leads to "cutting" or "self-harm.' Then you reach out here and you have to read all of these conflict-ridden posts. This is very unfortunate and I hope it has not caused you more tension.

Do you have a psychologist that you can talk to?
Do you take any meds to help you?
Do you go to church or can you find a support group in your community?

The important thing is not to isolate yourself. You might need to set some boundaries with your friends and let them know that you yourself are on "overload" right now. If they are "real" friends they will understand.

Do you have 1 or 2 special friends whom you can talk to?

Your family is dysfunctional and sick. It is not likely that they will change. However, you can change.

Are you of an age that you can move out?

Your mental health is very important. Depression left untreated can lead to suicide. You deserve to be happy. It won't be easy but it IS POSSIBLE. Others on this forum have been through all of this and have come through to the other side.

Please do post again and let us know how you are doing.
Posted 1/1/2007 11:49 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Leigh Ann:

It's a new day. No more arguing. I will rescend my frustrated vow to leave this site because I know I can help the people here. It's a new year, and my intentions are to help others like I'd like to be helped. God bless you.

Posted 1/1/2007 12:53 PM (GMT 0)

Dear athmlldy411:

I'm not advocating trying to look for good things in a bad place. I was putting forth a cognitive approach which believes that if you change your thinking you can change your feelings. Now, initially this will be troublesome because usually we've built up a storehouse of bad thoughts that we now have to go about dismanteling one by one which takes time, but at least you'll be headed in the right direction instead of being in the downward spiral you were in before. So it's not looking for the positive so much as it's talking back to the negative thoughts with more realistic thoughts because 99% of the other thoughts are full of exaggeration and fortune telling (imagining how horrible it's going to be down the road over and over). So stop looking for the positives, and start challenging your negative, exaggerated, lying thoughts with reality based thoughts which will change your feelings because feelings follow thoughts.

For instance you say of positive thoughts "most times I can't find them." I'd challenge that statement with a statement more reality based such as "Often I find it difficult to see the positive when I'm hurting but when I try I can think of at least one, if not several good things in my life. Lets see. I have food. I have a place to live. I can see. I'm not dying of cancer." Do you see what I'm talking about. Gratitude will change your attitude. You can always find something to be thankful for.

I understand the desparation I hear in your words. I've experienced it through the years on many different occassions. When you get in a desparate place the first thing you need to do is to imagine circumstances worse than what you're experiencing. I  begin by imagining experiencing my current problems being complicated by being blind and in prison. Now that particular thought makes my present difficulties seem rather simple. Again, gratitude will change your attitude. You can always be thankful that you are not at some level of pain that would be infinitely worse than your present condition. Just imagine if you didn't have anyone to talk to, or that you didn't have money for food, or that you were homeless. All those thoughts will stand to bring you to an appreciation of how bad it isn't, rather than how bad it is.

Hey, athmlldy411 don't worry about the others getting mad at me. Man, that kind of stuff rolls off me like water off a ducks back. I've had to put up with criticism for one thing or another most of my life so it's all in a days work for me. I'm real good about being able to handle critics. In fact I've come to enjoy it because it helps me to stay sharp and agile using words to defend myself. I enjoy a good argument, so don't worry about me because when it (depression, anxiety, panic) didn't kill me, it made me a lot stronger. And I'm here to share that strength with those who are hurting.

First things first. You need to find a good doctor who can make an informed diagnosis about your condition. But if your senses are telling you that you seem to vascilate between being really up with spending sprees, or delusions of grandeur (believing you're someone famous), or sexual promiscuity, then I'd say those would be pretty good indicators of mania. Of course depression is not so hard to recognize, and if this is your first journey there don't worry it's not as bad as it seems. Once you realize that you will return from the darkness you won't fear it so much the next time. The goal is to minimize the "next times", and that's what a good doc and some good medications can help you do, along with a toolbox full of all kinds of methods and strategies that will enable you to cope more efficiently with whatever it is that's ailing you.

Being new to these symptoms it's not at all uncommon for you to feel very panicky and nervous, but be assured millions before you have been there and returned, and so will you if you employ the coping mechanisms suggested by those who've used them successfully, and if you get in touch with a knowlegable doctor who can prescribe the medication that will help right your ship. I'd admonish you to take it on a one day at a time basis, and stop worrying about tomorrow or any things that are beyond today. That philosophy will help you stay more focused in the present which will greatly reduce your apprehensiveness about your problems.

Hey brother/sister, you don't ever have to ask me for forgiveness. You never did anything that needed to be forgiven. Take Leigh Ann for instance, and the little spat we had. Heck, my pulse stayed the same during the whole skirmish. I see where she's coming from, and I understand her feelings, and all is well that ends well. You take care of yourself first and foremost by finding a doctor who's competent, and who knows manic-depression when he/she sees it. Then talk, talk, talk, until you get it all out. After that take your meds everyday, and on time.

This too shall pass..... 

athmlldy411 said...
LOOK I AM SORRY IF I STARTED ANYTHING BY NOT AGREEING WITH SOME THINGS THAT WERE SAID . I AM NOT A GOD HATER. I LOVE GOD AND HAVE ATTENED CHURCH MY WHOLE LIFE SO THE RELIGIOUS ASPECT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF IT. I JUST GET SO SICK OF HERE " FOCUS ON THE POSOTIVES" BECAUSE MOST TIMES I CAN'T FIND THEM

THAT IS WHY I AM HERE.....I HOPE SOMEONE CAN HELP ME FIND A POSOTIVE. I HIT ROCK BOTTOM about 3 DAYS AGO AND IT HAS BEEN BAD SO WHEN I CAME HERE IT JUST ALL HIT MY THE WRONG WAY. I TRY TO TALK MYSELF THRU POSOTIVE THINKING BUT RIGHT NOW THERE IS NOTHING. THAT IS ALL I WAS TRYING TO SAY

MR. CHRISTIAN.... I DO APOLOGIZE FOR GETTING THE OTHER STARTED ON YOU I FEEL LIKE IT IS ALL MY FAULT.

I THINK I HAVE BIPOLAR SO I GO MANIC AND THEN I DEPRESS....... WELL THIS IS MY FIRST DEPRESSED STATE SINCE MY MANIA. THE REASON I DON'T KNOW IF I AM OR NOT IS BECAUSE MY THERAPIST WAS A JOKE AND I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A PSCHIATRIST. THAT IS WHY IT HURT SO MUCH WHEN YOU WERE TALKING about FINDING ALL THE POSOTIVE AND KNOWING THAT WHAT WE ARE THINKING IS NOT RATIONAL. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

Posted 1/1/2007 2:39 PM (GMT 0)

Saire said...

All the time at the moment Im feeling like I just can't carry on. All my family seem to do is shout alot and often use violence to solve their problems. I seem to be constantly paranoid, I am so scared of losing my friends that it seems to have cut me off from them. I spend increasing amounts of time on my own. I haven't slept properly in months and all I seem to do is help other people cope with their troubles and not my own. I have took to self harming in various ways and people around me have always said that that is wrong which makes me feel terrible and I do it again. I don't have anyone to talk to properly as I am convinced that everyone I know will dump me and I feel like I'm going mad and I'm really lonely. Am I just being stupid? How do I stop this?

Thanks Sair xxxxxx


Hi Sair,  Welcome to healing well forum.  I am so sorry that your dealing with all of that with your family.  I can understand because my family was very much the same growing up.  Are you seeing a counselor or psychiatrist?  Please do feel that you can come on this site and feel safe enough to talk when you need to.  We cant talk about self harming because it is against the rules but I will leave you a web site for you about this but otherwise you can find others to talk to hopefully.  Please do check into this website it is really good.  My thoughts are with you.  Take care

http://www.selfinjury.com/index.html

Posted 1/1/2007 6:04 PM (GMT 0)
Sair
Welcome to HW
Please do check out that site Els has posted it is a good one
I wish all the best for you and hope you will continue to post and get support here
Take care and know you are no longer alone
God Bless
Lyn
Posted 1/1/2007 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
chris,

there is nothing like having sometining that you're said taken out of context and used to "prove" how ill-informed/evil/bad/immoral you are.  i resent you're taking my comments about "an on-coming train" out of context and using it as an excuse for "proving" how "dark" my philosophy is.  if you open your eyes and read the posting, i said, "we will deal with that, too." which is an expression of hope, faith, and personal strength.   my personal belief system is built upon this foundation.

apology accepted.

warren

 

Posted 1/1/2007 7:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hey thank you for all the replies. to hopefulmigrainer the argument on this post is okay, people argue it is human nature. In answer to a question I cannot leave home yet as I am not of an age to. I do have a few close friends but it's not easy to talk to them about things and lately I can see myself becoming more distant from them, I know that it is my fault but I find it easier to distance myself. I do not take any meds. And I once tried to join a group but was disallowed by my parents. I do not have a psychologist that I can talk to because I have found that getting one would include involving my parents which is not something that I would like to happen if that can be avoided. Thank you for all the advice. xxxxx
Posted 1/1/2007 8:49 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Saire, you're very mature for your age and have a good attitude and have taken this "argument" in stride.  This is going to take you far in life.

I am concerned for you that you do not have anybody to talk to.  Can you talk to the school counselor about this?  This is what they are there for and if they keep pregnancy confidential they can keep your situation confidential too.

In the meantime, why not keep posting on here your feelings and the tensions that you are experiencing on here.  We will not abandon you when we hear about it.  As Elisha said, you cannot be specific about the self harm but you can talk to us about what you are feeling, thinking, worrying about and perhaps instead of "doing the act" you make a promise to yourself that you will come on here and write out all of the things that you are feeling at that time.  Sometimes, just getting it "out" is helpful. 

People your age don't know how to respond to your admission.  You must find "safe" people.  Tell me what happened when you joined this group.  What did your parents say/do?

How do you feel when people overload you with their problems?  Are you afraid to tell them that you can't deal b/c they might leave you as a friend?

Do you have at least one special friend that you can talk to? 

What kind of things do you like to do?  sports, music...can you do more of these things?  With a group sport or choir or band you don't have to focus on the people but you are around people. 

I'm so sorry that you are having to suffer in a home like that.  Unfortunately a lot of us do.  A psychologist could really help you.  You will be okay though. 


Please take one day at a time and believe that you are a special child of God and deserve to be here and you CAN get well and you WILL.

Hang in there and let us know how you are doing, okay?

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