don't have a lot to give you all right now but I'm cheering for you in my prayers...

My previous post "Why are some days so bad" was locked for some reason.  I just wanted to thank you for all of your support and let you know that you are all on my prayer list.  I'm not doing too well.  Seriously think I have to go to the hospital.  I am sooo much pain from working the temp job and that leads to depression and suidical thoughts.  If I can't work, I don't know what I will do.  I have no family support or friends that can lend a room.  I don't blame them really.  I can't bear to give up my doggie - my reason for living.  I will need to (finally) apply for full time SSI disability.  I was bound and determined not to have to live that life and I don't know how I will manage while they are processing/approving paperwork b/c I'm out of money.  They won't allow you to work at all while the claim is being processed.  They require that you are totally disabled and therefore cannot work.  I don't know why God is allowing me to suffer so much.  I have tried so hard.  I know that I have a really good heart and my brain is competent.  But my adrenal system is shot and my neck (3 discs), chronic migraine and what seems to be trigger point pain (like fibromyalgia) seem to have gotten the best of me.  I can only do so much b/c of this broken body.  I still have FAITH in God but my spirit is broken too. 

Thinking of you and praying for you.

Kelly

don' t mean to step in on a post not directed to me but i just wanted you to know that i really am thinking of you and hoping for the best.

not trying to be all religious or anything but God will not put more on us than we can handle so i KNOW that you can get thru this. we don't understand why things happen to good/great people but they do unfortunately. i felt like this when we found out my mom had breast cancer and the 2 yrs later when it came back. but i am thinking of you and good luck

God bless you all

Dear Kelly,

     I am so sorry that things in your life are not working out right now.  I know that you have been praying for something, anything to come through due to your circumstances.  I just wanted to tell you that I did not request your thread be locked.  I am sure Peter locked it due to length as Jon stated in his post...usually, I do request that threads be locked once they reach 50 or so posts but I left yours alone as I felt that it was a benefit to you and those who were posting to it also.  You are always more then welcome to start another thread like that or call it x2 or something...

Even if you dont I want you to know I am going to keep you in my prayers so that you get better.  I have been there with my depression several times and it is a very scary place.  You have many friends here regardless of how you feel right now you do.

Elisha

Kelly-

Just wanted you to know I, too, am praying for you- you have always been so kind and encouraging to me, even in the midst of your problems- you don't know how much I have appreciated that!! Please keep us posted and let us know if there's anything we can do!

Kelly, I read a long post of yours on the anxiety forum. It really gave me a better understanding of what you are going through. I'm still pretty new to this site and it was a real shock to read that post. I guess I assumed that Mods were in a better place in order to become Mods. It was a real eye opener. I am so sorry and I can't stop crying for you. The good news is that you put things into perspective for me. You reminded me that my life has been much worse than it is now. I realize I need to stop obsessing about my fiance and thank God for what I DO have. While I pray for others on this forum, I need to pay special attention to you until you get through this crisis. You have no idea how much you have touched my life in such a short time. I am so grateful for you and thank God for you. You (and your dog) are in my prayers. Please keep us posted.
Be Blessed & Be A Blessing
Hollygo

Hi hopeful,

I will be praying for you as well.  I've been doing a lot of prayer and meditation lately and one of the topics recently was that god will not burden us with more than we can handle.  I know thats hard to believe sometimes, but it is one thought that has gotten me through a lot of really tough, long days this year.  The other meditation theme that has been common so far is that we only have to bear the burden of the next 24 hrs., tomorrow will take care of itself.  I have taken this one step further in that I break the next 24 hrs. into pieces.  For example, before work, I think I just have to get to work, then I just have to make it to lunch for a break, then just make it through the afternoon until I can go home, then just an hour with the kids, then relaxation, then sleep.  Its not a fun existence at this point, but its the best I can do.

Hi Kelly, I hope you are having day. How are things going with your new doctors? I am praying for you. Levonne

Oh Kelly, that is good news, I am praying that something will come of this for you!

take care

Ann

Hi Ann & Meg, I have 2 more good things to report. I went to my hairdresser to ask her to help me buy the color formula myself (I'm usually light auburn with bronde highlights) but with money being nil, I was tempted to buy the color out of a box at the store then I thought, oh man, what if my hair falls out or turns pink, I don't need that on top of the rest of my problems. Well, turns out she has been through depression and quietly told me about a place that will do psychiatric work for free (at least they did 7 years ago) AND, she cut and colored my hair for free. :)

I just got home and the company that I was to go in on Friday for assessments and to meet with the big guy again, called, and they said that they sent the assesments to me via a link (online) and to complete them prior to my coming in. I hope this means what I think it means!!!!! I might be getting an OFFER on Friday. This is the only company/position that I've felt right about and God willing, it is His plan all along.

I have to be out of my apartment by 1/26/06. My lease expired 1/1/07 but the Management has been willing to have me go month to month on the same lease rate (otherwise it goes up $230). I had to give my notice b/c I have zero money and I don't want an eviction and since this is not a Mom and Pops complex, they will serve the 3-Day pay/quit and then I wouldn't be able to pay and then I would get the whopping attorneys fees, regardless of whether I found a job and paid the rent. Now, the dilemna has been, am I going to have to move out (to my Mom's - in another County) at the risk of getting her kicked out and then if I do get this job commute up to 2 hours each way? So, long story short, if I could get an offer SOON, I might be able to buy more time at my apartment and I could look for a "real" roommate situation b/c I would have a job.

Please keep your prayers coming. I know that God is listening. My prayers are with you too!

Still hoping for you Kelly, but most of all praying!!!

(((((hugs))))))

Ann

still praying for ya girl! also, thanking God for prayers he has already answered!

Oh Kelly, I am so happy for your and will be praying for you today. The company has to very interested or they would not have you taking all those assessments! I bet you get the offer today! What a wonderful way to start the weekend. Sending you a big hug! Levonne

Hi everyone,

Well, I would have liked to write with good news but instead I had a very distressing and pain-filled day.

I went to the interview (#4) yesterday promptly at 9:20.  When I got there I was given yet ANOTHER assessment.  This is called a DISC.  Anybody heard of it?  Another test to determine style.  I don't know, I don't get to see the results.  I just jump through all of the hoops.  The HR lady asked me if I had any questions and I said "yes" has a job title/description been determined?  Which I of course assumed it had and she said, yes, the Manager will be able to talk to you about this.  She said this is a new position (known) and a "great opportunity" and that I would be working very closely with the top dog (for all California).  They kept checking on me and telling me that they were shorthanded and corporate was scoring my assessments, etc.  10:30 rolls around and I am told "I have to apologize to you.  Something has come up and the Manager will not be able to meet with you afterall."  "Hopefully, you won't have to come back but the Manager has all of the information and can make a decision."  Something "inside" is going on and I don't know what it is. 

I do know that the current ADMIN is not working out for the top dog b/c of youth and inexperience.  Well, when I checked in, the receptionist called HR (the gal I was supposed to ask for was in orientation) and told her "she is not on the calendar."  I overheard her and explained to her that I was meeting with the Branch Manager but was asked to ask for the HR gal.  She asked me what the position was.  I told her and then she said "oh, is that what it is."  Well, if this was "confidential" I did not know.  I did get the feeling immediately afterwards that she was "fishing."  I told the HR lady when she was sitting with me and she said "yeah, the ears are really perking up around here."  Ughhh.  They wasted my time. 

Let me tell you, friends, I woke up that morning with a MIGRAINE and SEVERE neck/shoulder pain.  I had to keep myself from cyring my eyes out.  Sitting there waiting for 1 hour, I felt like I was going to throw up and I kept praying for the Manager to come and get me.  When they came and told me that he couldn't meet with me, I felt like someone punched me in the stomach.  What am I to make of this?  I think that he should have at least come out himself and shook my hand and apologized to me.  Now, I know my IQ so it can't be that I scored poorly on the "sales skills" test and I have above average "writing skills" so maybe the "temperament" thing. I am not a "dominant" style but rather an intuitive/steady style. Maybe that's not what they're looking for. I dunno! I'm feeling jerked around though.

What do you think?

Now, I am at a point where I think I should go on long-term disability.  It will be the messiest and most difficult thing I will ever do in my life, but what the heck is God trying to tell me?  I have tried and tried to overcome the depression and anxiety but the PAIN won't go away and the doors are not staying open.  What do you think all of this means? 

Needless to say, I had a very bad day yesterday and the old "bad thoughts" came rushing back.  A friend came over and gave me an intense massage while watching TV and now I'm sore as he** from the pressure.  :(

Kelly