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Extremely Depressed

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Posted 1/29/2007 1:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hi all,

Im new to this forum but have been on the HIV forum for the past month.  To be brief I had a risk of HIV and have since developed a lot of symptoms of it.  I had a negative test 36 days after the possible exposure but they told me I had to retest again the 3 month mark because some people take longer to show a positive test result and the 3 month mark is 100 percent.  Since learning of the possiblity I have this I have been so depressed.  I used to be the happiest person and not bothered by anything, but now I just want to lay in bed all day.  I keep thinking about the point of living and I cant come up with anything.  Everybody dies eventually and thats all I think about.  I just graduated college and was about to start looking for a job and getting a career started and then this happened.  I have had a few interviews, some I dont even show up at and others I just sit there and space out thinking about death and how if I have this my life is over.  I used to have so many dreams and goals and it seems like they are all shattered now.  Everything I used to think was important seems meaningless now.  I loved to party in college and go out on the weekends and drink and socialize and meet girls.  Then during the week I was really interested in what I was studying and really thought it was important to me.  Now I just feel like completely empty inside and nothing at all matters.  I am one person in a huge world that has been around for billions and billions of years and my existence seems utterly meaningless.  What does 40-50 of one persons life matter in a billion year old world?  I keep wondering why I am concious right now and why I am living in this horrible world.  I could never attempt suicide because I could never bring myself to do that but I sometimes wish at night when I go to bed that I dont wake up.  I have been reading stories of people who had near death experiences and they describe this pleasure they feel and how nothing has ever made them feel such joy and love before.  Then they are revived and feel extremely depressed to be back on earth and wish they could experience those feelings they had during their NDE again.

Im just wondering if anyone out there has ever felt this way and what they do to combat it.

Also I think the pressure of this 3 month test is making things even worse.  The test is on friday and I know this whole week is just going to be miserable because I really fear that results are going to come back in the worst case scenario.

Posted 1/29/2007 1:02 PM (GMT 0)
Karma
I don't even know how to tell you to get through this. But,I do know that you will get through it. My first suggestion would be to see a doctor,and tell them what is going on in your head. I would also suggest not reading the stories about death. I am an avid reader,and I find that alot of the subject matters really effect my state of being.
Do you have a close family member or a friend that you can talk too? Talking about things seems to put them in perspective. At least for me. This is a huge ordeal you are going through,and I am sure it is probably one of the most scariest things you will ever go through. But,it is something that you can make it though. And walk away a stronger person.
Please contact your doctor and try to get in asap.
Posted 1/29/2007 3:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karma,  I totally agree with Shyn here.  I understand that it is very difficult not to obsess about this one test that can totally change your life forever.  But you need to change your outlook as no matter what the test says or comes back as you can not control it.  All you can do is deal with it and make the best of what your given.  I truly hope for your sake that it comes back negative...but if it doesnt you need to start right now by putting some support systems in place for yourself.  Such as getting in touch with a counselor who you can talk to about your thoughts and feelings.  No matter what your life is not over...it's scary I know but I am sure you can pull through this.
Posted 2/1/2007 9:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the support both of you,

I have my final test tomorrow and will definalty let you know the results. As far as finding someone to talk to, it has been really difficult because this definatly not something I can bring up with my family. Not to sound like a jerk but I was brought up in a nice suburb and went to school at a private college. This is is not something that happens to people around here. Iv never even heard the topic brought up. The biggest problem in our community are people smoking pot or underage drinking or something like that. Thus, I could never bring it up with anyone in my family or really any of my friends for that matter. I fear how they might react due to the stigma of this disease. I really feel that if my test comes back positive that I am just going to run away and really not tell anyone and go somewhere where people would probably be more understanding and just start over I guess. I know my family and friends would react in a negative way if I told them so I dont really think I could bring myself to do it.

Its great though that a forum like this exists for people who really have nowhere else to turn.
Posted 2/1/2007 11:55 PM (GMT 0)
I truly hope this works out for you in a positive way. I had to get tested when I found out my ex-husband had been "experimenting" with some transsexual type behavior. I was terrified. The waiting was excruciating. It turned out well for me, but it was hell. I will say a prayer for you tonight.
Posted 2/2/2007 11:59 AM (GMT 0)
 I went thru something similar with my first hubby who i found cheated on me bad.i learned one thing from that,dont worry until you know.I spent months with what i knew were symptoms.ended up it wasnt.15 years later nothing.If it is they have way too many meds now that slows that way down and everyone is right you need to tell doc as you can get get help for this especially if it is depression...(((HUGS)))

Posted 2/6/2007 2:02 AM (GMT 0)

Hi guys

Thanks for all the support.  I had a 13 week (3 months and 1 week) test on friday and it came back negative!!  I was so shocked I literally fell off the chair i was sitting in.  Everybody pretty much says that a 3 month test is 97-99 percent conclusive and that testing after 3 months is not necessary.  While I am extremely happy with the result, it sometimes creeps back into my mind that maybe I am in the extremely rare 1-3 percent of cases that dont turn positive until after 3 months.  But I think everything is okay.  It is just going to take some time to adjust to given that I was freaking out over this for a good 2 months straight.

Thanks again

Posted 2/6/2007 2:34 AM (GMT 0)
Woohoo Karma!!
That is awesome news! I have been waiting to hear from you,praying that everything is ok.
I understand you worrying about being the "rare" person,but keep in mind things are ok right now. Sometimes you just have to take one day at a time.
Now,keep safe...and you know what I mean. So that you never have to go thru this again.

Take Care and please keep in touch!
Posted 2/6/2007 12:30 PM (GMT 0)
That is wonderful news Karma! :-)   Now stop stressing on it K?  and make sure that you dont have to go through this in the future by keeping yourself protected and safe at all times as Shy has said.  We are always here so do feel free to drop in anytime and say hi...Take care tongue
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