Hi I am new here

Hi. I just joined this site. A really good friend recommended it to me. I have depression and I have been having a rough time of it lately. Things just seem too hard to cope with. I have spent the day in tears today in a web of self pity and other bad thoughts on top of that. I know... get over it right? Build a bridge... shake it off... suck it up... Tried all that...
I have actually had depression most of my life, since a few bad things happened to me...but never started getting treatment for it until the last year or two ago. I have been put onto medication and they have recently trippled my dosage which hasn't helped so far.
I have had previous attempts at suicide and have also self harmed since the age of eight. I have reduced the self harm now and I am getting therapy and learning skills to use instead of self harm.
I have been ultra depressed lately, it seems to all be crashing down on me, making it so hard to keep going. I am trying to snap out of it but its not working at all. I hate crying... I hardly ever cry like this, but today I just couldn't take it anymore and I am just in continual tears all the time and it won't stop. I hope no visitors come today... my face is a mess, my house is a mess, I am a mess. I realized that I have wasted my life. I am 25 and I have no life at all really. I have never really experienced much at all that most people my age have. I wish I was younger and smarter and stronger and happier. I just can't believe that I have let childhood trauma ruin my life. I wish I could just be strong and just forget about it, but I can't and it haunts me every day. Anyway enough complaining. Thats all I seem to do... complain. I am sorry:(

Thanks restless1. You are such a nice person. I want to get out of this hole and I wish some magical fairy would wave a wand and I'd be free. I know its not like that. I guess it takes a long time. Longer than I thought anyway. After my first visit to the Doctor I actually thought I'd be better within a few days or weeks. How wrong I was. Anyway thanks for your reply. Many hugs!

Hello weeping willow,
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time at the moment. you have had some great advice from restless and victoria. I don't really have the confidence to be able to offer you any advice but just wanted to let you know that I have had some horrible expereinces in life and I am getting through it. There is always hope and light at the end of the tunnel. I think you get to a point in your own head where you say 'enough' and then you can start the road to healing. It took me a really long time, but I got there and am now taking steps to heal my mind, I have a lot of hang ups, but I find posting here does help, everyone is so so supportive and helpful.
Through healingwell, I was convinced to see my doctor for depression meds and to seek therapy, it's a haul, but I truly believe it will be worth it. I am learning not to see everything as a 'massive' deal, take each issue merit it and then try to deal with it. I seemed to have had this habit of mixing everthing up in one pot so every problem was huge, now I am learning to keep everything seperate and trying to deal with each thing.
So if posting here helps, then please carry on, as I said, everyone is really supportive. The best thing I have done is to try to accept the days when i am really down, tomorrow is always another day. There is an important phrase that gets used here alot, its 'baby steps'. For me it's been a bit of a revalation, just take things as they come and deal with what you can that day.
Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
take care
hugs
wizzer

Thank you Wizzer and Victoria. I have been going to see a psychiatrist and she hasn't helped me a whole lot, she keeps putting up my medication, and it doesn't work. I start with counseling tomorrow and will see how that goes for me. Posting here is helping me a little bit, so that is good. I just wish this recovery process didn't take so long. I feel so impatient and frustrated with myself. I think I am putting way too much pressure on myself too which doesn't help. I think I need a nice relaxing holiday somewhere. If I had the money I would do that. But I don't so never mind.

Hi, Willow--

Hope the counseling goes well today.

Fussketeer

Thank you Fussketeer and stronglady4me, and victoria. I went to counseling today and she is pretty much putting me onto someone else. Thats ok... but I have to wait two weeks before I see the new person. I was asked today whats going to keep me safe until then. I said that I will just have to keep busy as possible. Thats all I can do. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and will ask her about the meds... I have been on them for about 5 months I think... but I was put up a dosage two weeks ago. So maybe I have to wait for that to work... I don't know.