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Feeling bad about feeling better

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Depression
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Posted 2/21/2007 4:34 PM (GMT 0)
I don't get it.

I hit bottom on Sunday and the wonderful people that I was hiding my depression from found out.  I wish I had told them sooner.  My pastor arranged for family friends to take my kids for a week.  My husband insisted that I take a week off of work.  (I wouldn't have been any good to them anyway)

The first day I needed help just getting in the shower and to the doctor's office.  I was actually hoping for him to admit me and take away all responsibility.  After the doctor told me that I just needed to wait for the meds (Lexapro 10mgs since 2/12) to start working, my husband took me to get books on dealing with depression.  an appointment was made with a psychiatrist for later this week.

The second day I felt like I was crying inside, but couldn't get it out to my face.  There were actually moments that I didn't feel like a loser, but then I started feeling guilty for not feeling bad.  I felt like everyone was making such a big deal about me having depression, I should not feel better so soon.  Also, depression is what has gotten attention and help for me.  If I feel better, then I don't deserve to have people help me, and I feel like I can't do it yet without help.

Today, day three, I'm not crying inside.  I feel numb, disconnected from my feelings and situations.  I feel unable to concentrate or make decisions.  I feel scared that if I feel better, the psychiatrist won't believe that I felt so bad.  If I feel better I will be required to re-enter life the way it was before and I won't be able to handle it.

You know when you glue something together, but for a while, if you let go it will fall apart until the glue dries all the way?  I feel like the glue has not dried for me yet.

I feel guilty for feeling better. Like it couldn't have been so serious if I am better so fast.  Are the meds working so soon?  I don't know what to expect.

Thanks for letting me put this out.  This site has been a lifeline for me this week.  My husband has been golden for me, but to be able to do this has helped so much.  Thanks.

Posted 2/21/2007 8:36 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Christina, It is really good to hear that everyone is being supportive to you when you need it most.  Don't feel bad about 'feeling better', it sounds to me from you post that you are a very strong person who probably is more used to hiding how you feel and helping others get through their day than the other way round.

My depression has always been up and down, and i have really low self esteem and confidence, and I often feel that I don't deserve my (very supportive) husbands help/care/love etc.  I think it is the nature of me, always brushing things off like its not a big deal.  Well, I am learning that it is a big deal - your feelings count just as much as everyone elses and you do deserve to take time out to work out what to do next, just because you have a good day today does not mean it will be great tommorrow - but if it is - then that's a bonus.

Sometimes getting things out in the open can lift such a weight off of your shoulders that things don't seem so bad, eve though they might be.  A problem shared is a problem halved as they say.  But remember that something did get you in your depressive state in the first place, so take some time to try and work out what that was so that you can work on it and don't go back to the way things were.

Its not wrong to ask for help, and there are so many ways in which our minds and bodies cry out for it, sometimes with the result leaving us a little bewildered.  Take it a day at a time and if you feel good then find the pleasure in it.  I hope your meds do start to work and that you keep your psych appointment.  Don't stop on your road to recovery until you really feel you have reached the point where you can move onwards and upwards!

Wishing you lots of luck and sending you hugs!  Keep us up to date!

Take care, wizzer

Posted 2/22/2007 3:04 AM (GMT 0)

Wizzer, I totally agree with you.  Christina, do not feel guilty for being in such a state.  The people arouind you care and love you, and that is why they are trying to help you.  Depression, is a big deal, and you said you don't know why everyone around you is making a big thing of it.  It robs people of time and energy, and they do not want you to be stuck in a rut.

Plus, your pastor and your husband are trying to remove things that might make your current state worse.  They mean well, and do not feel guilty for the way you feel.  I have been in a deep state of depression, and no one around me even tried to help.

So hang in there, and don't feel bad for needing help, just try to get better.

Wishing you the best and good luck! :-)

Posted 2/22/2007 4:22 AM (GMT 0)
Wizzer,
Thank you so much for your reply. I thought that I was back to a "functioning" state until my husband took me to visit my kids for my birthday (28 today). I could not hold it together. Leaving them is so hard. Just taking the phone calls today, with people wishing me a happy birthday, was exhausting. I know now that I have a long way to go before I can rejoin life.

I plan to go to the Dr tomorrow and hope that he has insights that these books do not. The explanation of the depression has me convinced that I have it (duh) but hasn't yet given me anything to combat it other than diet and exercise.

I don't have the greatest of self esteems- but I don't have the self hatred that I had as a depressed teen. Mostly I have a drive for perfection in myself, and a hatred of my own failure. I should be strong in all things, not only for myself, but to lift others through their troubles as well. I am a Lactation Counselor for the WIC office.

The only thing that I can think of is that I have overextended my capacity to deal with stress. I have an "eye tick" that started about a year ago and flairs up whenever I get stressed. I have a great ability to
"smile and lie" when I am around people. Most people see me as a happy, healthy, calm person. It's going to take work to break down that persona that I am so used to putting out.

I will let you know how the Dr's visit goes.

Christina
Posted 2/22/2007 5:38 AM (GMT 0)

Christina--

I"m just saying hi and seconding Wizzer and Olivia. And happy birthday! (and don't feel guilty about your birthday) =)

Posted 2/24/2007 5:03 AM (GMT 0)
I saw the psychiatrist yesterday and he doubled my dose of lexapro, but he also brought up the idea that it could be bipolar Depression, which is different and would need to include a mood stabilizer as well as the AD. It sounds like this is it. They say that those who the AD isn't working, and have tried more than two types, if they go on the mood stabilizer 90% of them get better. This is my 2nd med not working and I need a light at the end.

Today was hard. I read a little of my book on depression in a bath, but other than that anything I tried to do today was just too much. I kept going back to bed just to stare at the wall. I felt empty and sore all over and on the inside. The Dr said that he wanted me off work till the meds kicked in- so I am off till at least 3/5. I'm glad that I have enough sick time.

When I go out and do something to distract myself I feel better, but only until I get back into the house. I was feeling better on Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Thursday and today it go worse again. Those who are helping me were happy that I was getting better, now I am back where we started and they don't understand. Those who had been depressed before had the medicine work the first or second brand they took. I feel like I and letting them down. (nonsense, I know, but I feel it nonetheless)

I'm supposed to pick up the kids on Sunday at church. I am absolutely terrified at the thought of going in and having to deal with all those people and explain how I feel and why I still feel crappy after a week of "break time". Then I have to bring the kids home and deal with them.

We'll see if I feel better then.
Christina
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