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It's all gone Pete Tong.....again

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Posted 2/22/2007 6:42 PM (GMT 0)
I was just getting it all back together then the big D stole my soul again sad

I'd been doing so well , eating right , exercising , got all the housework together , even lost 6lbs last week (am over my healthy BMI so need to lose weight).

Now I've gone and lost it all again. I can't motivate myself and I've been filling the empty feeling with food. I'm craving cigarettes again even though I gave up way over a year ago. I suppose maybe my brain's subconciously trying to find ways to get rid of this feeling.

I'm seriously thinking about going to the docs for an antidepressant because the big  D won't leave me alone for long now and it's dragging me down , I can't deal with this anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Posted 2/22/2007 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi smiler, I guess I am alittle lost here (Pete Tong? eyes ) ... That's okay, I dont mind being out of the loop, I'm blond so I usually stay out of the loop...if you know what I mean... tongue

Anyway, lately the last few weeks I have been struggling myself and have found it very hard to post or even find any motivation at all.  It sucks I know and it usually seems to come just when we feel that we are getting things in order finally.  If you think that you need that antidepressant dont be afraid to go to the doctor and ask for it.  I am finding out that we (ourselves) are our own worst enemy so, if we recognize the behavior then we should try to head it off before it gets out of hand.  I have held back the last few weeks on calling my doctor thinking that I would come out of whatever "mood" I managed to fall into.  Late yesterday I had had enough and broke down and called my psych doc for a boost to my antid.  Knowing myself I wouldnt of come out of it on my own without help.

You know we are always here for you no matter what you decide to do....Big Hugs coming your way :-)

Posted 2/22/2007 8:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Smiler,
Sorry to hear that things aren't going well at the moment, Els is right though, go to your doctor for a helping hand.
And please, please don't start smoking again -eat a pile of chocolate if you need to! I am a smoker and am desperately trying to stop. You have gone a whole year which is an amazing feat so don't give up on that!

Keep us up to date on how you are doing.

Els, how are you doing? You seem so sad lately, I wish I could help. (By the way Pete Tong is rhyming slang for wrong!)
Hugs to you both
Wizzer
Posted 2/22/2007 11:02 PM (GMT 0)

Hi, Smiler--

It sounds like you have the right idea to call your dr. But I have to weigh in on your quitting smoking.

You rock.

I quit about a year ago, too (14 months 6 days, to be persnickety), and it's the best thing I've ever done. As cliche as that sounds, I'm being honest. And I include my marriage among all of the things I've done. (And this is not to disparage marriage.)

I've craved cigarettes again recently, but, like you, I recognize that my cravings to fill that space inside me aren't cigarette-specific, but more of a search for something. Wish I knew better how to handle it. I've resorted to grapes, sewing and writing right now as I work out what's next. (The other stopgap options in my downtimes are: runny cheese, gallons of gin, a truckload of jelly belly jelly beans, superhard crossword puzzles, studying for a radio license.) I just restarted medication a little over a week ago because of a downturn and haven't yet reached the target dose. (And don't even know what that will look like.)

Loved the fact that you shared your accomplishments, too-- you are inspiring. You inspired me today.

Posted 2/23/2007 1:26 AM (GMT 0)
(((((smiler)))))

of all the people in the world,i would have bet that you had this horse crap knocked.  i am so sorry that it has attacked you again. 

i suffer from chronic, constant, pain.  i had a second back surgery on 12/22 and the pain was worse than after my first surgery.  shortly after this surgery my wife and i drove from deep south texas to alabama, about 1400 miles (greater than the entire length of gb.  i was in absolute agony.  i had pain medicationbut it was totally ineffective.  according to your rules i should have tried toughing it out.  no way!  i phoned a pain management dr as soon as we arrived and he prescribed percocet and, later, morphine.  get the picture?  GET ON THAT PHONE, CYBER FRIEND!!  and get the medication that does you some good!

a note about cigarettes.  cigarettes trigger pleasure producing endorphins, much as in having s*x.  that's the reason they're so hard to give up.  we get over the physical addiction to necotine in about 2 wks.  the psychological addiction may last your entire lifetime.  dark chocolate (light chocolate to a lesser extent) produces the same phenominon.  so now i eat chocolate and smoke.  go figgure!

warren

Posted 2/23/2007 10:06 AM (GMT 0)

Thankyou everyone :-) I know I should go see the doc (I tell so many people to do that - can't take my own advice though can I now lol).

I've got an app for my leg on Mon so I will see if I can get an app with MY doc (receptionists there have no idea - one time I phoned and said I need to see MY doc , they said you can't you'll have to see dr X , saw dr X who said you need to see YOUR doc about this so make an app with her aaahhhhggggg!! I now have permission to phone her and get her to phone me back when she's free).

Warren! You found me tongue I slipped over here to vent so that I didn't worry my fellow BPers into thinking I wasn't up to scratch lol.

Cigarettes - the reason I gave them up is because they're expensive (money and healthwise) , if it wasn't for that fact I would still be smoking as I enjoyed it. Chocolate - that's probably why I eat it when I'm depressed , NOT good for the waistline.

So why do people have a cigarette after $£x? To prolong the effect?

Smiler tongue

Posted 2/23/2007 11:55 AM (GMT 0)
Hey smiler Being a fellow brit - I get the 'pete tong' phrase! Sorry you are feeling this way again. Thats the awful thing with depression - its never a straight road, there is always bumps. I think you should go to your doctor and have a chat and see what she says. The anti depressants will help hun and hopefully get you back up again. Thinking of you x
Posted 2/23/2007 12:58 PM (GMT 0)
smiler,

"not up to snuff?" hon, there isn't a day that goes by that you aren't up to snuff. of course there are days that you are more up than others. :)

smiler, you are an intelligent, compassionate (that's where i fail), and strong woman. i have every confidence that this is just a temporay set-back. i know that the light at the end of this tunnel is sunshine.

cigs after sex? you might be right. i know i've gained about 7 pounds (about half a stone) in the past three months since i've tried substituting chocolare for cigs - and losing! maybe i need a different stratagy. sex? not with my back - i'd end up in the emergency room or od'ing on morphine. think, warren, think! lol

i'm a former brit. i was an ex-pat yank living in gb. does that count?

warren
Posted 2/23/2007 8:01 PM (GMT 0)

Hey smiler,

   I feel exactly the same way honey! I been smoking and eating and find it such a struggle to get out of bed. But you need to beat this. You're going to have your good days and bad days. You just got to keep your head up and face the day in the best way you can - try your best to distract yourself from the depression, I know that's easier said that done but you really need to try babe. good luck! 

Posted 2/28/2007 1:42 PM (GMT 0)

Hokaaay....I finally managed to talk to my doc on the phone today (after finding out her name from the nurse on Monday eyes major memory troubles lol , and finally on Tuesday convincing myself that I need help - just because I can hold it together for five minutes doesn't mean I'm cured  eyes  ) I have an appointment on Friday so we shall see where that takes me. I must say she was utterly shocked that I hadn't recieved any counselling yet......I think there might be words.

Victoria - bumps in the road? I've gone and got me a roll bar , crash helmet , five point harness and a really really soft cushion VIEW IMAGE

CHOCOLATE!!!!!!! I've gone off chocolate. How , I don't know - even the 70% stuff confused also red wine?! Unfortunately I still have enough "likes" to get fat on tongue

Warren - I think you are compassionate , although I do have more experience of your....special.....sense of humor than some. Of course you count as a brit aswell smurf

Mouseykins - you've got a great attitude towards this hun , keep hold of that and use it to the full VIEW IMAGE thankyou.

Smiler tongue

Posted 2/28/2007 2:04 PM (GMT 0)
Glad you made an appt smiler - good luck, let us know how it goes. Couldn't help but slaugh at your reply about the crash helmet hun! Take care x x
Posted 2/28/2007 8:32 PM (GMT 0)
You completely ROCK!! I think you have a fabulous attitude and are showing yourself as a great roll model for others struggling as well. Stay Strong,
Posted 2/28/2007 11:02 PM (GMT 0)
smiler,

i grew up too soon and twisted by abuse.  i cursed worse than a longshorman.  as i got older and put myself through university i looked for curse words that would be unoffensive.  i saw "my fair lady" and heard the heroine say, "not bloody likely."  aha, i thought.  i have my non-offensive curse word!

several years later i was teaching at an english university and using my non-offensive curse word to add something(?) to my lectures.  afterr class one day one of my female students caught me after class and informed me that "bloody" refered to christ's blood and that my use of the term offended her.

learning to be a brit is bloody aweful!!!!!

warren

Posted 3/1/2007 9:21 AM (GMT 0)
Rof****!! tongue tongue tongue   live & learn.
Posted 3/1/2007 11:46 AM (GMT 0)
You are fab hun - and I agree, a great role model with a great attitude to life x x
Posted 3/2/2007 10:15 AM (GMT 0)

Thankyou everyone - you keep my spirits high yeah

Well I saw my OH off at 5am , he should be on a plane to York US right now visiting his brother. I feel strangely serene about this , I thought I would be worried about being "home alone" at the moment but I'm not ( maybe it's because I know I won't have so much housework to do!!). I also feel a bit jittery (don't ask how you feel serene and jittery at the same time - go find a psychologist and bug them!) possibly because I know my appointment is less than an hour away now.

Will keep you updated , thankyou for all your support ,

Smiler tongue

Posted 3/2/2007 2:34 PM (GMT 0)

Right , I've seen my doc and she gave me an SSRI , citalopram (hydrobromide) 20mg to take one each morning - or if it makes me too tired to take at night , this is supposed to help with depression but should also calm my anxiety.

 I asked her if it was going to make me feel quite relaxed , and explained to her that I had taken some meds for pain and flipped for a bit because I was "slipping" into a relaxed state. She said that it was because I wasn't used to being relaxed and I could do with taking more of these meds , and that she could probably do with some herself!! (before you start thinking she is reckless I KNOW she was joking and she was trying to make the app. easier on me , and also taking the P cos she knows I worry about everything). 

She said there would be side effects which would make me feel worse to begin with but if I can get through the first 10 days they will ease and I should see a difference in the way I feel. *fingers crossed*

She wonders about the mental health nurse saying that he sees BP in me , as she can't , but that the amount of things I have been through in my life alone would make me the way I am. Although in the same breath she said that she has only seen me when I'm depressed , as that is the time I need help. I'm just gonna have to see when I go for counselling. Whatever it is I'm just glad that something is being done now. I know it won't get better over night but I think I will be able to rest a little easier now.

Oh and a message to BPers who might be on this board - whether it turns out I have or haven't got BP I will still be modding the BP board , I will be there for you , so no worrie there.

I will keep posting to let you know how the meds are and what side effects (if any) I get. I will be going back to docs on 3/16 to check up on my progress.

Take care everyone , wish me luck lol!

Smiler tongue

Posted 3/2/2007 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
I'm glad to hear you're getting some support smiler. I've been on 20mg of Citalopram each day for about a couple of months now and they've generally made me feel a lot better, so I hope they have a positive effect on you too. Good luck :)
Posted 3/2/2007 7:12 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Polly :-)

That's great that they are working for you , it certainly gives me hope ,

Thankyou ,

Smiler tongue

Posted 3/3/2007 1:34 PM (GMT 0)

Took the first one this morning - an hour or so after felt tired and sick , bit anxious.

It's now about 5hrs gone don't feel so tired now , no anx , nausea lessened - I'm going to try to eat something now.

So far so good tongue

Posted 3/3/2007 8:21 PM (GMT 0)
Keep it up hun, you will be fine. The side effects will go. Take care.
Posted 3/5/2007 12:12 PM (GMT 0)

Day 3 - Diarrhoea this morning , so I took loperamide cos I had to get daughter to school. Nausea worse today , but still no vomiting , suprisingly (and unfortunately for my figure!) I have been able to eat as normal. Neck/head pain , which has gone now. Very "spaced out" earlier yeah tongue yeah but that has lessened now (*tut* back to reality eyes ). Sneezing?? Think that's probably something to do with dust (I'm soooooo ill I couldn't possibly do housework lol)

Everything seems to be going really well. I have been sleeping very well - although that might be due to the fact that my OH is sleeping in a different country to me tongue

Also had some really good news , work  has picked up for the spring so I am back to work tomorrow yeah wooooohooooo!!!!!

Posted 3/5/2007 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
That's great, smiler.
Posted 3/6/2007 8:49 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks zinnagirl , it was sooooo great getting back , yakking to people , knowing that I was accomplishing something , and getting some money back in the account is a nice thought too yeah

Day 4 - Not much nausea at all today , diarrhoea gone , got a horrible dry mouth (does anyone know if this side effect goes?) ,headache , can't concentrate properly or focus properly - like when you get derealisation.

I think it's working for my anxiety - I'm not as paranoid , but I still have my shoulders in my ears....I'm not actually stressed but it's a force of habit to tense myself up...I though it would have made me more relaxed than this?

I haven't cried for days - that's one big thing I've noticed. I usually cry a few times a day even if it's just a few minutes in the bathroom so no-one notices. I don't even know if I can cry (hey , and I'm not gonna try either as this is a great accomplishment for me)....I still have very strong emotions , so I know I'm not zombified tongue

I hope y'all don't mind me keep posting but I've read so many posts saying "what's your experience with drug X" that I thought it might help some people.

Thanks to everyone for helping me - I really appreciate it ,

Smiler tongue

Posted 3/6/2007 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Smiler The dry mouth goes!! At least it did with me when I started the effexor. The nausea might take a couple of weeks but once your body gets used to the med, the side effects should dissappear. Don't mind you posting at all hun - post as much as you like. Take care and keep in touch hun x
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