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Posted 3/3/2007 3:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I'm new to chat rooms/forums.  I have been treated for depression for the last 15 years.  Only for the last year and a half have I been seeing a therapist.  (No one ever asked me why I was depressed or what I thought was the problem).  A family counselor brought it out during the inprocessing questionaire.  I finally told someone after 38 years that I had been sexually abused as a child.  All this came crashing back after my daughter was raped by a relative.  I want to help my daughter get through this but realize that I have to get through the abuse that I went through before I can help her.  Like I said I've been in therapy but there is something missing.  My Uncle said that talking to other people with similar issues helps.  Since I live way up North in the boonies, support groups are hard to come by.  I thought I would give this a try and see how it goes.  I have had a really hard time since July.  I have been hospitalized 6 times.  It's been tough but this last time I finally got the psychologist at this hospital to change my meds. since the ones I was on made me feel worse that I was ready to cash it all in.  Thank God I didn't because with the new meds., I actually feel good and can once again work on the issues I need to.

Thanks for listening,

smurf  Ican

Posted 3/3/2007 6:44 AM (GMT 0)
new member
I was also abused as a child(5),and when my daughter was 6,she was as well,and by a ''family friend''. the worst part was I didn't know,yet around the same time the same person raped me as well.The hardest part was getting family to believe it. I understand your pain,especially as a mom. I was on 275mg of prosac,going thru divorce and had about as much as I could handle. I was admitted on suicide watch and did hypnotherapy,it was the worst thing to imagine that there are so little support groups available in my area at the time.My daughter withdrew for a number of years and it brought me to my knees,I felt responsible. I see now that with immediate help,she grew into a well functioning young lady and doesn't talk about it but still has a protective nature.You can help her by answering her questions and giving her time to heal. when I finally got out my''demons'' so did she,and you're 100% right,you have help yourself as well.I am so sorry to hear this has happened to others,it is truly heartbreaking to say the least. I pray that one day,this never happens to another. Stay strong,it's a battle,but you CAN do this,I give you and your girl all the love and support in my power! Take care,hon,
crystal
Posted 3/3/2007 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
crystal,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. The toughest part is seeing in her eyes what this has done to her though she admits it has had no effects on her. I only know too well what this has done and how much it impacts your life. I just hope she does not wait as long as I did. It's so much harder to undo the negative beliefs we acquire just to survive the ordeal that you go through as a child. The positive thing here is that she told and didn't keep it hidden as I did. It has put a big rift in our family. My niece, whos husband raped my daughter, puts the blame on my daughter. My daughter was 14 and he was 26. He got her drunk. She said no but to no avail. We were out of town picking up my oldest from college because my sister had passed away unexpectedly 2 days before. It was a tough time for everyone and this event compounded everything so much more. I have told my family members that I have no room in my life for them as long as they hold onto their beliefs that my daughter was a willing participant.
Thanks again,
Ican
Posted 3/3/2007 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Ican
Welcome to the board.
I was sexually abused for about 4 yrs as a child. I still have nightmares,I still have flashbacks,and am dealing with it daily.
I have a song that I listen to when the "revenge" hits me..it is aerosmith-Janies got a gun. I love that song.
I read the obits everyday from his hometown waiting on the day that I finally see his name in print. I dream of going to the funeral and finally coming to peace that he is not going to hurt anyone else.
Due to my abuse I was very overprotective of my children. I had the "talk" several times with my daughter,telling her not to trust any man,not even her own father. Telling her that no matter what they say,I will protect her. She is now almost 20,just has her first boyfriend and will not let him go any farther than kissing. I know that is my fault. I blame myself. But,she has never been hurt.
I am so sorry about what happened to your daughter. That is a mother's worse nightmare..let alone a mother that has been there.
I wish you all of the luck in the world for yourself and for helping her.
Whatever you do,don't be like us where we don't talk about it for years. As you know that is not healthy at all.
Please keep us posted

Shy
Posted 3/3/2007 5:47 PM (GMT 0)
I can relate to your post.

I was raped by a stranger as a child.  It was something that I really never thought - or let myself think - about.  Until I had a baby myself.  That's when panic attacks began.  I started to obsess about things happening to my son.  I'd stay up all night, scared to sleep, because I needed to "protect" him. After getting some counselling, I realized that I was just reliving my own trauma.

However, since something has happened to your child, I can only imagine how devestated you must feel. A parent's worst nightmare come true.

My thoughts are with you and your family. 

Posted 3/3/2007 6:28 PM (GMT 0)
ican,
Blame shouldn't be placed on your daughter for any reason,because she was 14 and drunk was NO excuse,and I don't care what the age of consent is either,I wish these criminals and their ''protectors'' would realize that.As for your niece,she is as guilty as her husband! Knowing that your daughter had the courage to come to you is amazing.I think most of us hid our ''secret'' out of fear and shame,I personally never told my parents about my childhood,my brother told them,(he was there) and they said it was in our head...really...my kids have only ever had 1 sitter,and on 2 occassions years ago,for that reason.
Lisale,I am the same sleepless (panic-stricken)type mom!
I think people ''blame'' us often because it is easier to place blame than to accept it and deal with it themselves. you are all in my thoughts and prayers, crystal
Posted 3/3/2007 8:06 PM (GMT 0)
Ican, I agree with montecarlo. In what state is it NOT illegal to have sex with a 14-year-old? Especially when the defendant is a full TWELVE years older than the victim? Have you considered filing a criminal complaint? I don't know what the statute of limitations is on statutory rape. You might at least get this guy on a charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor, as the young man did serve a 14-year-old alcohol. Might be worth a try. Call your District Attorney's office and have a chat. It would not cost you anything to file a complaint, as the State would be representing you in court, should the State decide that a crime has been committed.

zinniagirl
Posted 3/3/2007 8:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Ican, I was also abused as a child and I only started to learn to deal with this last year when I told somebody for the first time. I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital with depression but since then I am doing well and am so much better. I'm now starting to deal with my past and slowly move on. It does take time and it is hard to put the past behind you. I am so sorry to hear about what happened to your doaughter. I hope that she is recieving good help to enable her to deal with what has happened to her and I hope that she knows that she is the victim and that none of this was her fault. Take care and keep in touch with us
Posted 3/4/2007 12:28 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone for the support and kind words. My niece's husband or should I say ex-husband was put in jail for the rape of my daughter. He had 5 different charges that he pled guilty to. We settled on a plea bargain because we didn't want my daughter put through the wringer by the justice system. He is serving 5 to 10 years concurrent on 2 charges and the other 3 can be brought forward for 10 years after his release if he does anything wrong. My daughter is the one that nailed him. She did a one party intercept with the police recording it and got him to admit everything he had done to her that night. I was so proud of her for having the strength and the courage to do it. She cried her eyes out afterwards but at least she knows he will pay for what he did to her and probably saved his 2 little girls from having to go through what she did at their father's hands. His little girls were 3 and 9 months at the time. I got to say what I wanted to tell him through the impact statement I submitted and I will submit one each time he comes up for parole.
As for my healing it is coming along. It is hard work but something I need to do. I am using the book Courage to Heal A Guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse. I have the workbook for it and it is really thorough and it makes you realize that you are not alone. In some instances it is as if the author were writing your personal story.
Thanks,
Ican
Posted 3/4/2007 5:54 PM (GMT 0)
Ican, that is wonderful news about scumbag/niece's husband. I am so glad that you went through the judicial system, and that the judicial system worked for you and your daughter. Your daughter was victimized, and now the State will make sure that scumbag/niece's husband is held accountable. Wonderful!
Posted 3/4/2007 7:11 PM (GMT 0)
i can relate except i still live in the same house as my abuser as my mum didnt believe me, im almost 20 and he still trys to kiss me. only recently my nan told me that she thought something was wrong at home as i never wanted to go home when it was only my step dad there. i did go to the police but i dropped the charges as my mum didnt believe me......but he forgave me.

i have found that it is better to talk to strangers who are not face to face...hope you do to!.
Posted 3/4/2007 9:12 PM (GMT 0)
What really gets me about all this is there is just so much of this type of abuse occouring .
I was abused,raped and assulted repeatidly as a child and my uncle even tried to rape me when i was in my twenties .It wasn`t until about four years ago that i recieved any help i had a few weeks of one day a fourtnight councilling that`s what i was allocated and it had to all be delt with within that time.But how can it ,the memories are there forever and everytime i hear on the news or read an article about it it all comes flooding back . Unlike in Icans post i can`t lay charges i just can`t go there i`m too afraid and like Kelz_sm said it`s easier to talk to a screen than it is to talk face to face .I still feel ashamed and all those other horrid feelings we have .
Restless
Posted 3/5/2007 4:23 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah, I have pretty much been alone these past several weeks, and I am at the point where I find that it is much easier to "talk" to a computer screen than to try to relate to all these people around me -- my friends and family and neighbors -- who are not depressed and who do have jobs. I can totally relate to that.
Posted 3/5/2007 2:31 PM (GMT 0)
kelz_sm and restless 1,

Kelz it is not you that needs to be forgiven here. You are not to blame your step-dad is. You do not have to go to the police to get help. There must be some kind of abuse or crisis center you can get in touch with and have them point you in the right direction to get help. It must be hard for you to stay on guard all the time when you are at home. Can you stay with your Nan or someone else? You are not safe as long as you are at home. It doesn't matter if your mom believes you or not. You know it happened and that is all that matters. You are the important person here. I am 43 now and have been working on my abuse issues for a year now. I was molested by a cousin who was 16 and I was 5, molested by my sister from the ages of 9 to 12, and raped by a boyfriend at 16. None of this is known by my mother. Some day I may tell her but it doesn't stop me from working on my issues with a therapist. It doesn't matter if she believes it or not I know it happened and I can now see some of the damage it has done. The important thing is I was not to blame and am not the one who needs to be forgiven. The same goes for you. By the way you don't need to forgive your abusers in order to heal. Don't ever let anyone tell you that.

restless1,
Keep looking for someone to help you. You are right 4 sessions is not enough. Check out local abuse and crisis centers for ideas on where to go for help. It takes a long time to work on those memories and feelings. The memories will never go away but how you learn to deal with them is what will make the difference. There are a lot of triggers out there that bring everything back but that to you learn to deal with. The Courage to Heal is a good book to read and you can order a workbook to go with it. It is a tough book and you may need to walk away from it from time to time because you can get overwhelmed, but it has everything that you are experiencing in it. None of us should be made to bear this shame. It is not ours to bear. It belongs to our abusers and them alone. We did nothing wrong. They did. Always remember that. If you are wondering if you are strong enough to go through this, remember you have already survived the worst. You made it out of childhood. That child is still in you and as strong as ever. You are an adult now. With the strength of your inner child and the strength you posess today, it is time to move from victim to survivor. Don't wait forever because it doesn't get any easier as you get older. All you get is a lot more damage because of the way we dealt with life, which was because of the beliefs we established as a child which we not always good ones.
You know if my Dr. would have asked be 15 years ago why I thought I was depressed, she would have found out that I was sexually abused then. No one ever asks that question. They only ask if you have been beaten by anyone in your household. Quite a different question.
Take Care,
Ican
Posted 3/5/2007 9:18 PM (GMT 0)
ty ican...the only thing that i have found very difficult to understand is that after the police got involved that he forgave my telling so easily....i feel that any person not guilty would have taken a while..... im 19 the abuse started at the age of 6, i have been around violent and abusive men/boys all my life, my dad beat my mum and strangled me at the age of 2 and my brother beat me until i was 16/17, now due to work stress iv been thinking about my life and all thats happened this has made me more and more down.

xx
Posted 3/6/2007 4:23 PM (GMT 0)
Wow, you have been through a lot of trauma, kelz. I agree with ican -- you need to get help through a crisis center. Is there one near you? Would you be willing to go for help there?
Posted 3/6/2007 7:26 PM (GMT 0)
i dont know if there is, i dont like talkin to ppl face to face or on the phone, i get nervous around ppl

xx
Posted 3/7/2007 12:36 PM (GMT 0)
kelz_sm,

It is hard to seek help and to talk to someone face to face. It took me many years to do it. If I were given the chance to change one thing in my life it would be that I had sought help a lot sooner, not 36 years later. A lot of damage has been done and it is harder to repair, not that it can't be done but that the distorted thinking that comes from years of abuse is woven into all aspects of your life. I'll tell you, it makes you miss a lot of the good stuff we should be experiencing in our lives. You are young and you have so much good stuff that you should be experiencing in your life. If you don't do something now, it's going to be harder later on. You have been hurt long enough. You have the power in you to put an end to your suffering. When you are speaking to a counselor it is a one on one deal. Everything is confidential. Find a crisis center and ask them to help you find a counselor who deals with the kinds of trauma you have experienced. It's a hard first step, but anything worth having isn't going to be easy. In your case, an end to abusive men in your life and finding the kind of love you should have in your life. The power is in your hands to put an end to your cycle of abuse. If you can't do it alone, ask a close friend if they would go with you to an appointment. It's a big first step but one worth taking.
Good Luck,
Ican
PS the reason I chose Ican as a name is to remind myself that I can do what it takes to get through whatever comes my way. It is a sort of positive message to myself. Oh yeah, something really great happened to me on the 5th of March, I became a grandmother to a healthy baby girl.
Posted 3/7/2007 3:14 PM (GMT 0)
Congratulations, ican!

kelz, the people at a crisis center are specially trained to help survivors of trauma heal their emotional wounds. They are non-judgmental, and everything is kept completely confidential. They have heard man, many stories of horrible abuse during their careers. They can help you. They will help you. Why go through this alone? If you were sitting at home in pain with a broken bone, wouldn't you go get help? It's the same thing here. And as someone told me the other day when I was explaining that I might have to go into IOP (Intensive Outpatient Therapy) more than 25 miles from my house, "What have you got to lose?" I realized they were right.

zinniagirl
Posted 3/7/2007 10:17 PM (GMT 0)
kelz,
I totally agree with zinniagirl. What have you got to lose? I can tell you, you have everything to gain. More than you can imagine.

Ican
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