New

Hey,

I'm new to the forum and am literally about to break, I would appreciate any advice, help, someone to talk to etc, anything that can help me with my depression.

I'm 19 and have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I have had a pretty bad start in life that I have found it hard to recover from and things are getting worse so fast I'm scared that I will mentally and physically shut down if things don't improve soon.

I think I have some form of social anxiety which goes back to when I was at school. People just didn't want to know me at all, and the people that did associate with me only did so in order to manipulate and abuse me. I tried so many ways to make friends, but no matter what I did it wasn't enough and I found myself alone most of the time. This scarred me badly and I was determined that when I left school I would make a new life for myself and have a fresh start.

I'm not what you'd call shy, I can approach people easily, I can have a great conversation with a willing person, I can be quite loud. But I feel like I'm constantly being judged and because I expect to be disliked I think that makes it happen. So when I started my 'new life' I found it easy to make friends, but noticed that I couldn't keep them. They would tire of me very easily or we would grow apart and I found myself thinking it was because I really was worthless. All that time I had held out some hope that I was actually a decent person and people at school were just being childish, when actually it was me and I'd be stuck the same way forever.

This has been a consistent pattern and most of the people I know would not consider me a friend. It breaks my heart because I can't stop hoping for it all to change and I actively try to change my situation but it just has the same outcome every time. I am alone in a strange city with only one friend, who I have only kept through the sheer amount I have done for her. People ignore me when I speak, they shove into me, they act like I'm worthless. And I'm too frightened to do anything about it. I see opportunties pass me by and it devestates me that I physically can't take them. I'm absolutely terrified. Every time I do try I'm knocked down and I can only take so much.

I've never admitted this to anyone as I'm so ashamed, my family and the few friends I have think that I'm confident and loved and always have been, and I know I'll never be able to admit the truth. I'm so lonely and I know that if I felt respected and liked that would change, that would give me back some of my self-esteem and I would develop the confidence to overcome my other problems but I just can't seem to make it happen despite years of effort. I have been and still am to some extent suicidal because of this loneliness but the only thing that has kept me going is the hope that I can change my life, but my efforts keep being destroyed and I know once I lose that hope that's it for me. I just don't know how to change it, as nothing I try works.

Please if anyone has any advice speak to me, I need your help urgently and I would appreciate anything you have to offer.

Thankyou

 

Hi there xtx...Welcome to HW

I think it's time to put your foot firmly on the brake pedal and seek some prof. medical help..tell your doc everything just like you told us..

You are just a little lost right now and need some direction to get back on the path towards feeling better about yourself.

As Victoria mentioned I too think some sort of counselling/therapy would be a fantastic idea.

Keep us posted on your progress.

Maree

Hey,
I've been on anti-depressants before, and while I found that they lifted some of the depression and eating problems I was suffering from, I still couldn't change my situation. I was happier in general but I still had the same problems making friends.
I tried counselling because I thought that maybe I could learn things about myself and resolve some issues that would help me better understand my relationships with people and then I could improve them. The problem was that as I say, I'm too ashamed to admit the extent of the problem. Every week I thought of was to say what I wanted to say but when it came down to it, I just couldn't do it. I'd think I'd worked out the perfect way to talk about it, whether that be a certain talking point or just not thinking about it and saying the first thing that came into my head, but face to face nothing came out. Here online anonymously is the only way I've ever been able to say it and as time goes on its not getting easier to talk about.
Counselling and meds have both helped certain areas of my life to some extent, but this is one area I just can't fix. I just want to have healthy friendships where I'm not dependant on somebody and vice versa, we're just friends because we enjoy each others company and have fun together without worrying about every minute detail. I've been friends with every type of person, social butterflies, outcasts, bad girls etc, but I don't feel like I fit anywhere and it follows the same pattern every time. Its gotten to the point where I feel if everyone I meet feels the same way then the problem must be with me, but after so much searching and trying to fix it I'm wearing myself down.
I honestly think that I'm a good, friendly, nice person and I am a good friend to the 3 close friends in my life. I have known them for years and years, I grew up with each of them so I never had to go through the pressure of making friends with them, trying to find common ground etc, we've just always been friends. A part of me thinks that if I can have a good relationship with those people I do have some good qualities. But why can't other people see them? I am comfortable with these people, I know they would never judge me and when I'm with them, I'm confident and I can say or do anything without a care in the world. If I had these people with me now I would be incredibly happy but they are all hundreds of miles away and I rarely get to see them. I want people like them in my life but something is wrong and I can't make it happen.
x