Having hard time knowing what to do

Well i am trying to figure out why i am the way i am, which is not fun. Here goes...

I am 25 yr old white middle class, decent looking, with terrible anxiety, depression, addiction, self loathing male.

here is a breakdown - anxiety- never feel completely at ease unless im alone, very paranoid that ppl are criticizing my looks, cannot be my self around other ppl, have horrible panic attacks while working feels like a hole is being burned through my chest, no social life because of this.

depression/self loathing- i basically hate my self, can stop thinking about it, hate minor details about my looks to the poing that this is a major part of anxiety( pinky is very short when i hold fingers together its about 1" shorter than ring finger, very weak jaw and chin, funky hair - thick and wierd curly) also im a very tiny man im 5 9 , but 1 25 lbs, very skinny and look very young.

Addiction - Ive smoked marijuana pretty much everyday for 5 years, i basically have used it to stay numb, i know this is adding to problem (phycosis can be caused by marijuana use). Have really bad anxiety and panic attacks when i get low, or are out. Ive had a gambling problem to but not anymore. Am couple thousand dollars in debt because of this

Complete agoraphobe - I lost my last job as an IT consultant because i just could handle the stress. Having to deal with so many different ppl each day and normally they are angry because something doesnt work. Not sure what im going to do, staying at my moms house now. Car payment is 2 months behind. Once i get off work i literally feel worn out from having to act normal all day

I really could go on and on for days about all the little things, but ill keep it short was on Lexapro for a few months and quit cold turkey(horrible experience) then went back on it couple month later for 1 month and doc swithed me to Cymbalta, and for like 2 weeks respidal. I am having a hard time telling any difference with the meds, marijauna useage is down a lot but i still use, not sure if its because of use of pot or meds not working.

A basic discription of a normal day- I hate everything and everyone and everylittle detail of everything for about 75% of the day. Every good emotion feels fake and like im forcing it and makes me more anxious/depressed.
every few weeks ill have a really good day where emotions feel natural, not that much anxiety around ppl and can act like my self about on a scale of 1 -10, about a 7.


Im just looking for what ppl think and what they might recomend to help me get back to being a normal 25 year old, and just a normal person in general. THank you so much for reading

arguy725 -- I am sending you electronic hugs {{{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}}}}}! I am so sorry you are going through this. I know where you "are" in the sense that I am also going through a huge self-loating period. It sucks, mightily sucks.

I totally agree with WeepingWillow -- marijuana is a depressant, and while I know that it does provide temporary relief, the research shows that it brings you further down and worsens anxiety and even paranoia. Any street drug -- including marijuana -- interferes with your anti-depressant regimen. I would definitely go back to your doctor, fess up about the marijuana use, and see what she can prescribe in terms of alleviating your depression and overcoming your marijuana dependency. This worked for me years ago.

Then I would get into counselling -- maybe even intensive outpatient through a hospital. Yes, I know, it's expensive and you probably aren't rolling in money right now, but this is your life we're talking about. You're young, you're obviously intelligent, and you've still got so much going for yourself. Myself, I could never be an IT consultant!

Like WeepingWillow said, I hope I have not said anything to offend you, and I hope that what I have said helps you, even in some small way.

zinniagirl

Hi Arguy

Well, I guess you are feeling like @#$% just now..but the good news about anxiety and depression is that they do go away!

With the right meds, a dose of couselling/therapy, and hard work from self + a willingness to accept help..you will be well on the way to feeling better.

The book "Living with IT" by Bev Aisbett has been a wonderful help to me..would love to recommend it to you..it's a little humour/cartoon and commonsense thrown in for good measure - it's a survivors guide for panic attackers!

What would you like to do with your life? Do you have any personal goals etc? Getting the mind distracted from feeling 'blah' is a great idea.

Seek more med prof help.

Look forward to reading your next post.

Maree

 

Hi arguy
My b/f owns his own computer biz,and I see him struggling every day with the stress. I do not know how It guys do it. I think I would pull my hair out!!


Shy

Well went back to doc today, cymbalta seems to have made depression lift a lot, its been almost 2 weeks on 60mg, also told me to keep taking resperdal .5mg before bed, also some lunesta before bed, and he also wrote me a script of 10 1 mg Xanax XR. Yea lotta crap huh.

I really feel like the xanax would really help, dont know about the extended relase because i have certain triggers when i know i need to take it, and not sure if the relase will work right.

I feel like the cymbalta is working but im so tempted to switchin to effexxor xr that would control my depression, mild ocd, and anxiety, i ve read alot of similar experiences on line. Anyway ill wait until tommorow to try the Xanax XR to see that helps with my anxiety

OK well got my RX of Xanax XR, only 10 of them though. its been a couple hours and i feel great, although it is hard to judge becuase im basically sitting in the house all day. I have to get my own place pretty soon cause im tired of being asked like every hour how do you feel? told my doc that and he said its ok to tell everyone to back off some, even though i know they are worried. Well i have decided to stop *** use after i use up the small amount i have left since i got this Xanax XR, which makes me feel so calm so unparanoid so much more like a regualar person.  I took konapin for a short period and it did not help i hated the way it made me feel. I feel that i need to be on the xanax xr for a few months, or longer, and therapy until i can work out why i feel so bad about myself, and also get passed the ** phycological addiction. My mom and therapist seem to think that i dont need to be working but i feel in reality that i do because its the only way to really evaluate my treatment becuase that is real life, not just sitting in the house all day thinking about why i feel crapty, I havent been working since late January. I have addiction issues i know, with the **, which i will go back at some point, and not nearly as liberally, prob just once a week or a couple times a month so i wont havethe added anxiety and paranoia so that i can learn self control and i dont tthink it will be as bad after say 6 months of therapy. i really blame my addiction in the first place on the depression and horrid anxiety i was having. I remember not that long ago looking at some ppl i knew thinking why would you want to be high all the time,and liking just being sober excpet for couple hours on fri or sat when i would smoke., well anyway rambled on for a bit but thanks for everyones input.

I am sorry but I have had to edit your post due to forum rule & regulation #1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  Thank you ~ Elisha

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 3/9/2007 6:15:35 PM (GMT-7)

The way a psychiatrist explained it to me, The thing about non-prescribed drugs is that you THINK they are helping you, but they are not. They seem to be friends, but they are your enemy, as they do interfere with your prescribed medication and your recovery. In other words, your doctor is trying to get your chemistry balanced, but when you use street drugs, you are throwing it all out of whack again.

Not meaning to lecture here, Arguy, it's just that a few years ago I was really into the self-medicating thing. I thought the ** I was smoking was fixing my thinking, etc. Hell-o! I got myself a one-way ticket back to the psychiatric hospital, and when my psychiatrist learned of my at-home pharmacology experiments, he was NOT pleased. "You do realize that ** is a depressant, do you not?" Back to the drawing board for me, feeling really stupid about what I had done. While I never got addicted to **, I did screw up and do stupid things while on it. This only added to my feelings of low self-worth.

You keep mentioning your addiction, so what about a 12-step group? Or a therapist who specializes in addiction? Or maybe both?

I have an ex boyfriend who is still drinking and drugging daily WHILE he is on anti-depressants. He is STILL depressed. So he drinks and drugs more. I had to break up with him.

Okay, I am climbing off my soapbox now.

I care about you, Arguy. I really do.

zinniagirl

I am very sorry zinniagirl but, I have had to edit parts of your post due to forum rule #1 of no discussions of illegal substances.  I do hope you understand...by the way, great input here  Thank you ~ Elisha 

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 3/9/2007 6:20:16 PM (GMT-7)