Coping with depression long distance...

My name is Ann and i'm from Costa Rica. Last year I met up with my long time love, we've been into each other since I was 14 and life has taken us full circle until we finally met again with plans to possibly be together.

This past christmas and new years he came down to Costa Rica to be with me, it was so amazing that he almost decided to stay but then had to go back to Canada because he got offered his dream scholarship for his PhD. Things have been good, he has suffered from Depression before but being together and him being in school was making things better by the day...

Sunddenly he's back down again, and way down, he just feels lost within himself and now he can barely sit to chat with me. I love him to death and i want to help but i'm so far away that i just feel useless. When we sit and chat he just sits there with not much to say other than "where's the bottom?" or "what the hell is wrong with me?? i'm brain dead"...

Some days i just want to jump on a plane and fly over and just hug him over and over again and tell him it's all going to be ok. Other days i just feel like he should be here, he was so happy when he came to visit that he was just a totally different person... it would help, and i could be here for him 24/7...

I love him, i want to help... i know he feels guilty for dragging me into this and it probably makes matters worse, but i have no intentions of stepping away or letting him go.

How can I help him from a distance? Is there anything I can say to him to help? How can I show my support in words? How can I be there if i'm not really there?

If anybody has any suggestions, i'm open to anything...

Thank you!

Ann

Post Edited (annbrampton) : 3/6/2007 11:27:41 AM (GMT-7)

Hi Shy,

Thank you for your reply...

Actually, he has seen a doctor before and he saw her again yesterday and she doubled up his head candy [as he would put it!] So yes, he is taking medication and he's very good about that, he's totally aware that he's down and very depressed...

Thanks for the tips, it's really hard to talk anything online with him since he's there but he's really not. Last night he didn't even remember the few lines we talked earlier in the afternoon so yes, it's tough sometimes.

I think i'm scared about talking to him about the future because I feel that the fact that we're so far from each other sometimes just adds to his stress and the fact that he has to think about how to make it work just depresses him more...  but i will try to e-mail him more and just tell him how much i care for him and hope he gets better... I think he feels very guilty too for "dragging"  me into this, but i sure don't think about it that way... think i'll tell him that too, thankyou!

I have been reading a lot about depression online and of course, i'm here learning more and more each day, jsut to be able to get a better understanding of what he's going through... he knows it too... i told him i've been doing that.

Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it!

Ann

Hi Zinniagirl!

Thanks for the advice on the books, it's hard to find any kind of book here in Costa Rica but i'll see if i can find them on Amazon and have them send down...

Actually... u hit a very sore spot there, he's totally affected by the winter in Canada... he's so much better when i'ts nice and sunny outside. Here in Costa Rica he was a totally different person and i'm sure the weather had a lot to do with it, he actually told me that once too. We do sometimes talk about him moving down here, which is probably the best idea yet... but i'm just so scared that he'll think that i'm suggesting it out of selfishness or my own personal interest, so it's hard to talk about. I'm pretty sure things would change a lot for him once he's here again but how do I go around telling him u know?

At the moment he has decided to quit school and just get a job and i think it's wonderful, will help him get back on track. I try to talk to him about moving here and i'm even trying to see if my family business will get him a job but we'll just see what happens next...

Today's been positive for him actually, he's been cheery and chatty... so i'm happy with that!

Thanks for the advice!!

Ann

Hi XTX!

Thank you for that... yes, starting yesterday i've been trying to tell him a lot more often how proud I am of him and that i want to be there for him and reminding him that things can only get better from now on...

The causes of his depression go way back, he left his wife last year and is having a hard time divorcing her, she's really controlling and she's making it hell for him. I know that's one of the reasons... i think all the rest has just added to it... trying to cope with school, the fact that he's back at his mom's house, etc. He had been doing fine until he began meeting with her again to talk about the divorce, so i'm pretty sure that's what sent him spinning again and just brought him way down. Since his wife was/is so controlling i try hard not to get too involved in what he does or decides to do for his future, reason why i feel bad about talking to him about how good it would be for him to move down here again...

Sometimes he does open up and tells me how he feels and yes we've talked about the many reasons why he suffers of depression, he's very aware of all the details and medications and stuff. I think i'm just trying to be very careful not to push him to talk about something when he's down and probably doesnt feel like talking about it at all... i just try to be there just in case he feels like talking...

When he's really low, like yesterday, he doesn't talk... he just sits there blank and at night, if he's more talkative, he actually can't remember much about our conversation during the day.

Today he's way better so far, we had a nice conversation this morning and he even agreed for me to find out about jobs here... and he's also agreed for me to find out how hard/easy it would be to work out his divorce from here.

Thanks for that... i'm getting there... :o)

Ann

Thank you for that, it's really conforting to know that i'm on the right path... i'll look into that SAD thing, i know it affects him a little but i'm not sure how serious it is, he's way fully aware of it too so he's good at keeping control.

Thankyou for that... :o)

Ann