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What else can I do wrong for you? That is what my reply has been for 2 days

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Posted 3/10/2007 12:31 PM (GMT 0)
Ok..I need to vent here.
As most of you know we had a fire in Feb. We lost both cars, and getting things back to normal has been a very slow process.
I finally got on the phone with the insurance company myself last week and raised holy heck. I was so mad that it had been over 2 weeks since anyone has called us. After my conversation with the Rep,they called my b/f 15 minutes later and gave him a price on both cars.. then we had the checks 2 days later.
Ok that is done. Now to get another car.
Then, our landlord has not even bothered moving his burned car out of the driveway,we still have a broken window that has not been touched. The garage of course still stands in a burned out heap. We were told that they would be at least tearing it down March 1st...well that hasn't happened.
Our landlord is avoiding us I think,he is now never home he parks his car on the other street and goes in his back door.
I am to my wits end. I do not want to live here anymore just seeing the mess frustrates me to no end.
Now... My b/f gets in these moods to where everyone and everything sucks.
I have become the "everyone sucks" g/f it seems.
He woke up yesterday morning and within about 10 minutes I was in the bathroom crying.
He just starts griping at me over stupid crap. " I use too much electricity in the morning (Iron my clothes,blow dry my hair ect).
I am a bad parent because my daughter hates the water and refused to learn how to swim.
I must be a bad g/f because I will not wear short skirts in 10 degree weather.
And then last night I don't manage my money very well..never mind that I don't make much money yet,and what I get over 1/2 goes to bills right away. But I still pay my share of the bills.
I am sorry,I am to the point to telling him to find another g/f that is more perfect in his eyes.
I told him that he makes me feel just as bad as my Ex did after a beating.
I know that is different but,I was mad and it is true the big difference is I did not love my Ex but I love my b/f.

I just needed to vent this morning as my blood is boiling over and if he starts today I am afraid of my mouth boiling over!!!!!
Posted 3/10/2007 12:53 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Shy, I am so sorry. No wonder you needed to vent. You don't deserve to be told that you are a bad girlfriend because you aren't. This is your boyf's problem - not yours. He is obviousley under a lot of stress at the moment and is taking it out on the closest person to him. I think that you are doing everything you can but he should realise that you are vulnerable yourself and cannot cope with his attitude. You are a good person hun and Im sure you are a fabulous mother. Please don't take these things he says to heart because Im sure he doesn't mean them. As for your landlord - if I were allowed to swear on this site I would!!!!! Can you seek any legal advice about this? about your lease on the house and how the landlord isn't doing what he should be? I'm not quite sure how it works. I m sorry I cant offer any great advice hun but I am thinking about you and am so sorry you are having such a bad time. Take care x x x
Posted 3/10/2007 1:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Victoria,
Thank you for your kind words.
I will be fine of course and will put my b/f in his place soon. I just need to get mad enough I guess.
I know that at least 3 people have complained to the city about our landlord and this mess but nothing has been done.
We are saving to buy a house and the fire took out some of our savings so we need to get back on our feet first. Then we are out of here. I am just frustrated because it looks like we are renting in the ghetto!! I am always cleaning (part of the depression and panic attacks) and then to go outside and see that mess just about takes it's toll on me.

I am really missing my best friend right now too. We used to go out and spend hours talking and I could really use some girl time. Am not close to anyone else here. My daughter and I are close,but she is 20 and she is my daughter and I just don't like laying things on her like that. I have the " I am the mother" syndrome I guess.

Anyway we will see how the weekend goes.
Posted 3/10/2007 4:09 PM (GMT 0)
{{{{{{{{{{Shy}}}}}}}}}

It seems to me that you are being verbally/emotionally abused by your boyfriend. I was emotionally abused by my ex-husband, and I can tell you that the pain and scars from emotional abuse are just as real and as serious as those from physical abuse. He's under stress and just lashing out at the nearest and most vulnerable target, you. That is dirty pool.

I really wish I had had the wherewithal when I was married to sit my ex down, when I was calm, cool, and collected and explain to him exactly how his abuse made me feel, using thiings like "I" statements. For example, "When you tell me I should wear shorter skirts, even though I have decided it's too cold, I feel ________ (fill in blank). Or "When you say that I am a "bad" mother because my daughter doesn't know how to swim, I feel ___________." Or "I feel that your constant criticisms are making my depression and anxiety worse. I no longer feel accepted or validated by you, my intimate partner. It's really hurting me. It needs to stop."

In terms of your landlord, Victoria is right: seek a legal remedy. I'll be that once you start writing that sidewinding, passive agressive, yellow-bellied dog of a landlord letters, sent certified mail, about this business with the garage and how it's in violation of the lease/landlord laws, you will start to see more progress. You deserve better than the ghetto, but you might have to make a few phone calls to the city bureaucrats and housing inspectors in order to hold your landlord accountable.

Once you start legitimately reclaiming your power, you will get it.

zinniagirl
Posted 3/10/2007 10:24 PM (GMT 0)

Shy, I just wanted to lend you my support here too.  Your b/f and you have had a good relationship up until this fire and all this stress came about.  Perhaps you may want to mention to him that if you both are going to stay together for the long term then he really needs to assess how he is handeling these type of situations and look at the impact that it has on you and your relationship.  When there is no stress everything is fine and great...but, when something major happens is this how it is always going to be with him?

Hugs

Posted 3/10/2007 11:29 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Shy

Well,in my experience with fellas and their cars, motorcycles etc. they just Hate to lose them! Whether it be by fire, accident, theft or whatever..and they become very Sore losers about these kind of losses..'grumpy ol bears' to be exact! lol

Because of what you have been through together you are both gonna be 100% more sensitive just now..he's gonna be more growly and you are gonna be more tearful.

A good way to make him realise what he has said is to reply with "Pardon?" (as if you didn't hear) and make him repeat himself...hopefully he will realise how hurtful he is being and apologise..or, the ball is in your court girlfriend - deal with the situation as you see fit lol.

Maree

 

Posted 3/11/2007 12:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there
I laid it all on the line yesterday and now he is in suck up mode...good grief.But at least he understands.

And you are right Elisha,we do have a great relationship 90% of the time.. I guess the stress has taken it's toll.

In other news,I really lost my temper yesterday...wow I have not been that mad in a very long time. ( I am 1/2 Italian and have the full temper it seems)
We bought a used car after the fire,and have had nothing but trouble with it. It has been in the shop longer than we have actually driven it. Yesterday one of the problems we have been complaining about came back. I drove right down to that dealership and let them have it. I know I shocked the heck out of them.but hopefully they fix it right.
It was kinda funny though,when I got back from driving the car and came in to tell my b/f what was going on..he saw my face as I was walking down the driveway and freaked out thinking he did something wrong...HA I said " not this time" hehe..
Posted 3/11/2007 2:36 PM (GMT 0)
That's great Shy!  At least you have a guy who gets it....some dont (I was married to one) eyes

 

Posted 3/11/2007 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
Thats great shy ... bet you feel like you have a weight lifted now you have told him how you feel. Good for you girl.
Posted 3/11/2007 4:11 PM (GMT 0)
Yep I do feel alot better. I just hope I don't have to go down that road again.


Shy
Posted 3/11/2007 8:22 PM (GMT 0)
Good for you, Shy. Doesn't that feel good? I hope you don't have to go down that road again either, and I hope that the situations with the landlord/car dealership get resolved to your satisfaction.

zinniagirl
Posted 3/12/2007 12:18 PM (GMT 0)
I am sure they will since I am on the warpath right now.
I had a little chat with the landlord yesterday too (you guys are inspiring me) I told him that seeing the burned car,the burned garage and the rest of the mess is very traumatizing. He agreed and said that he was very sorry and that someone was coming by Thursday to start tearing it down.
I just want to be able to come home and not be frustrated.

Yesterday I had a little go around with my b/f's brother. He was on the "advice train" but when on and on for an hour. "you need to buy a house", "you need to get married" ect ect. I finally lost it,and said Dude,one thing at a time. When everyone is on our butts about what we should do,it stresses us both out and that is not fair. Let us recover from the fire mentally and physically and then we will figure the rest out.
Since I had raised my voice (which I never do) he ended up not speaking to me for the rest of the time.
I was worried that I had overstepped my bounds for my b/f. But he said I rocked and that he is at the point to where he has no more fight in him,and he is glad I do.

Shy

Keeping my fingers crossed.
Posted 3/12/2007 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
Shy Sorry bit late in this one but hey
ROCK ON........
Sometimes we just gotta blow to let them know we are not " vreampuffs lol"
Be good and dang hope things settle down
Wouldnt want to be on yer badside
Luvs ya
Lyn
Posted 3/12/2007 11:22 PM (GMT 0)
yeah  Well, looks like you successfully de-railed that "advice train."  Who does this guy think he is, anyway? Telling you to get married?  So inappropriate!

zinniagirl

Posted 3/13/2007 11:43 AM (GMT 0)
Hi whole family has been on us for 3 years about getting married. It is a sore subject between us and that just adds fuel to the fire.
Plus his brother had been drinking so that didn't help.
I am ready for a vacation away from his family!!!!


Shy
Posted 3/13/2007 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
My advice. Considering the reaction you got from the b/f brother, I'd say you need to have that little talk with him every 6 months or so. It could be the quietest time ever. LOL!

My brother is a good husband and provider but he has had some challenges. He is married to a shrew who never lifts a finger to take care of the family, including getting a job if times are tough. My brother was unemployed but participating in a training program with job placement and all she could do was moan and complain. Oh, did I mention that she is completely independently wealthy but won't spend a dime to help the family? Anyway, she was moaning and complaining about my brother being unemployed and saying some nasty things about him. I finally had enough and very calmly told her that that is no way to be talking about him to his family. My mom and sister were there and sister-in-law hasn't spoken to me since. It has been a very pleasant 6 years during which brother, neice and nephew and I have had a wonderful relationship. It is pretty sad when hubby and kids decide that they are going to have a life and if Mom wants to come along she can but if she chooses not to, that is just fine with them too.

Glad that you are empowering yourself to take charge and move forward. My hubby and I always marvel that we have never both been down at the same time. When one of us is down the other takes over and vice versa.
Posted 3/15/2007 4:10 AM (GMT 0)
shy,

i'm a child of the 1960s and can only hope that you are familiar with this song.  it  was popular during my era.  the name of the song is "american pie."  there is a line in that song which i believe is very appropriate to your situation:  "they can't even run their own lives, what makes them think they can run mine?"

you might not be protesting the war in viet nam or singing an odd to bill holly, but you are living in a war zone and you are a combatent.  protect yourself, no matter what,  there are no boundaries in this situation; there is only survival.

my mother was fond of sticking her nose into my business when i was in high school and when i was college, married to my first wife.  once i called her on it and told her that she either butt oiut of my busines or she wouldn't be welcome in my home.  she managed to hold her tongue afer that - with a few lapses and a few backslidings.  but it worked.  she's been dead for about a year and i don't regret what i did one little bit. i protected myself and my family, which was my job.

hopefully you won't have to be as confrontive.

i wish you the gift of finding the right word at the right tikme delivered in the proper language and tone.

god bless you.

warren

Posted 3/15/2007 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Warren
And I am familiar with that song, but did not remember that line.
I think if I get mad enough I am going to have to use it.
I sent his mom and dad an email yesterday morning and laid it on the line. I did not actually point my finger at them,I just used words like "they" ect ect. And his dad called me last night and the tone was alot different. He said I was right and then he went on and on about how good I am for my b/f and how glad they are that we are together.
I have laid it on the line before and it last for maybe a month..so if I have to do it every month then I guess I will.
That will be a month of peace then.
His brother has not called or anything. At this point I don't care.
He is in depression anyway because of his controlling wife,his son has medical problems. And it is turning into alot of drinking. I see the signs, and I understand.But using my b/f in my presence as his punching bag is not going to happen. I am very protective of the ones I love...

Hopefully things settle down.
Thank you everyone for listening to me rant!

Shy
Posted 3/16/2007 4:59 AM (GMT 0)
shy,

if we aren't there for each other who would be?

warren
Posted 3/16/2007 11:38 AM (GMT 0)
Amen to that Warren!
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