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living with a depressed spouse

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Posted 2/27/2007 8:56 PM (GMT 0)
My spouse was just diagnosed with chronic depression 2 weeks ago, but we have been living with it for the last year and a half.  I am at my wits end.  He is on meds, and going to therapy, but I don't know how much longer I can handle this roller coaster ride.  The only thing saving me from leaving right now is my two kids.  We have been married for 12 years and have been together for 17.   I don't know how much more I can handle.  I want to be happy again.  The only thing I look forward to going home to after work is the kids, because I have to walk on eggshells around him.   Is anyone else going through the same thing?  How do you deal with it?  I have read books on the subject but it is easier written than actually done.  Help!
Posted 2/27/2007 10:50 PM (GMT 0)
Everyone's situation is different.  One thing that helps is to try to get in touch with the wonderful things you know about that person.  Then try to realize that they are not doing this on purpose.  No one would choose to live this way.  Couples counselling and individual counselling for you and for your spouse is truly important.  At some point family counselling may be helpful for your kids too.  Coming here is a good first step because it is important to have someplace that you can be totally honest.  Lots of times you may hear people say that you just don't understand unless you have dealt with depression.  That may be true but my perspective is that there is no reason for you to truly understand if you have not been through this yourself.  It is okay to feel the way you feel and it is okay to want it to be better.  You and your spouse will find your way through this together.  It is also important for your spouse to take charge of his illness and be in charge of his recovery.  Try to understand what you can be responsible for and what you have to let go of, otherwise it is too much like trying to eat an elephant in one bite. 
Posted 2/27/2007 11:02 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the support and encouragement.  He is going to therapy.  I have outside interests, ie - running and Scouting with my son.  He has never been interested in joining groups or anything like that.  I didn't mind that when I married him, but I know I have changed, I'm not 20 anymore. He still clings to that, and has told me I have changed.  No Kidding.  He said to me once, why don't you go buy a dress that just covers your ass and shows some cleavage.  I don't feel like I need to in order for him to look at me.  I find it sexist.  I want someone that has outside interests and gets involved in things his kids does, and appreciates me for who I am and what I think. .  Maybe there is more problems to our relationship than meets the eye.  He has already threatened to leave, and sometimes I just wish he would.  I am tired of being yelled at and told that it is all my fault.  Yeah I know its not, but this is sure taking a toll. I want to remain positive, but I honestly do not think it will work out to be better.
Posted 2/28/2007 1:29 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Mumar
Ok...I hope I don't offend anyone by this statement.But,I think that men with depression are alot harder to deal with than woman. One of the main reasons is that society has taught them that they can't show emotion,and that they have to be tough at all costs.
It sounds like your husband has entered the "blame game". Inside his head you are not doing the right things to make him happy.
I am sorry,but if he is telling you to dress different to appeal to him,when you are the same person that you have been. Well he needs a wake up call. Depression or not,blaming you because he is not happy with himself is bs.
I am sure he is not the same person as he was 15 years ago either. A wake up call to that point might be needed.
My b/f always asks me to wear something "sexy"..and if I feel like it I do. If not,I tell him to hush. But he has always been like that,and I doubt he will not change.
If your hubby would go about it a different way,like actually taking you out on a nice date...dinner,movie ect ect. Then dressing up for him might be something you would like to do right?
But, to wear a short skirt around the house,when you have kids to tend too isn't appealing at all I am sure.
I guess my rant is trying to say,depression or not. That gives him no right to blame you,and to make you feel crappy.
Now
What about couples counseling..I know he is probably going to grumble,but laying it on the line for him..like " I am sorry if you don't want to go,but I can not take this anymore and if you want to save our marriage then you will be going. Simple as that.

Please post on here and let us know how you are doing...

Good luck and stay strong.

Shy
Posted 2/28/2007 5:42 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Shy.  We went to marriage counselling last year for months when we started having problems, and got a few things sorted out, before we found out the actual cause of all the problems.  The deperession.  He has always been the 'sexist' type, and it never bothered me before because there weren't any kids around.  Now the kids are 7 and 9 and both at a very impressionable age.  I would wear something 'sexy' if we were going out, but I always tell him "there is a time and place"  and the time is not when I am helping the kids with homework.   Right now my solace is work, my kids and running.  I take each day at a time, and well if things go wrong, then that's the way it is supposed to be.  I am a big believer in "things happen for a reason" .
Posted 2/28/2007 7:36 PM (GMT 0)
You stay strong Mumar..and remember you can't fix him. He can only fix himself.
All you can do is point him in the right direction and hope for the best.


Shy
Posted 2/28/2007 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry to hear that your H has depression. Google depression fallout, there's alot of information there which can help you through what is going on in your life.

I know this is hard on you, and the kids. Take care.
Posted 2/28/2007 7:59 PM (GMT 0)
Mumar - I think you are right, that there are other things at work here than just the depression. You are raising kids and a sexist individual who is verbally or emotionally abusive or disrespectful will teach your kids that behavior is alright. People do change. This is not just about depression. You have a right to be treated with respect and dignity even if your husband is depressed. He does not get a pass for bad behavior because he has a problem. No one can tell you that leaving him is the right thing to do, you are the one that knows what you need. You seem like a strong person, follow your heart and believe in yourself.
Posted 3/3/2007 4:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hey ya Mumar.  I to am living with a spouse with depression.  We have been married for 3 yrs and living together for 4 yrs.  i to am walking on egg shells.  She has been on so many different drugs.  She is a wonderful lady about a third of the time.  what ever i do or say is not good enough. i am sick of the ----.  I think or know i would be happier single again.  we live in an older house which we have remodeled every one and now working on the basement to make her happy, but that is not working, she wants a new or different house.  Thehouse is almost paid for.  and i do not want to go into det.   it is one thing after another. so i can understand your situation.  i feel for you.  My answer to all of this is the devil is trying to come between us.  We cannot let him do that. end of story.

Posted 3/6/2007 6:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there Mumar...

I'm here for very similar reasons, the love of my life is living thousands of miles away and suffering from deep depression at the moment. He's been through it before but has made it through and was doing fine... we were taking it day by day trying to figure out a way to be together and suddenly he's down in the dumps again...

Its very hard for me because i'm not even there with him... so it makes it way more difficult not to be there to help him or hug him or just sit there in silence with him. I think in a way i envy you, to the point that at least you're close to the man you love and you have the opportunity to hold his hand and help him through it all...

I've been doing a lot of reading online about how to help, what to do... and all i can say is that you need to remember that the person you see is not the person you know. It's not his fault, it's the illness and you need to remind him of that. You have to remind him that you're not mad at him, you're just mad at the ilness and remind him how much you love him. The more i've learned about depression, the more i have come to understand why he'll sit to chat with me and just say nothing for hours on end...

I hope this has been of some help to you... hang in there, i know how tough it is... and trust me, it's way worse when you're far away your loved one and not being able to help...

Best of luck... :o)
Posted 3/9/2007 6:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Mumar

Try and emphasize the positive. The kids, the kids, the kids. You two are lucky to have them. I am prone to depression and my partner and I have no children and wish we did. I know they would give me something to focus on and redirect my unrelenting negative thoughts. Being around our nieces and nephews helps a great deal. Also, be compassionate. You must view this as an illness like any other. If he had cancer would you feel the same way? Depression is an illness which plagues millions of people. If it helps when you look at him, envision the word "ill" written on his forehead, becuase that what he is. I know it is hard, it has been hard on my partner as well. However, we stuck it out, and we are both closer than ever.

I wish you peace.

Bobcesq
Posted 3/12/2007 8:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there again...

I was looking for articles for my website and I found this article called "Do You Love Someone Who Suffers From Depression?"

So here it goes, it might be of some help! :o)

http://www.articlewarehouse.com/articles/psychology/00112.aspx

Take care!
Posted 3/12/2007 9:09 PM (GMT 0)
Let me offer some input being a male dealing with this issue in my family. My wife god bless her has put up with a lot in dealing with me and my anxiety issues which cause me some depression. When suffering you as a male tend to try and keep everything in and with me it would build up and I would withdraw from my wife and kids, not want to go out and socialize basically stay inside due to embarrasement and being afraid someone could tell that I was not really this tough guy but a fragil person. I fought this for years and continue to fight the fight, in fact I am going through a spell right now. I decided and hopefully you can share this post with your spouse that, I was pushing the people who really mattered away while isolating myself, which is the exact opposite in my opinion you should do. I partnered with my wife to do whatever I could to control this medical issue I have, and she agreed to be supportive. He needs to take ownership of this issues and realize it will get no better by being alone,Which I am sure he realize, People who are depressed can say some of the most hurtful things because they hurt themselves) himself and in fact It could get much worse without the support of you and your kids. You need to be there to support each other. Who knows what the future holds for anyone when it comes to health issues, something usually happens to each of us at some point and you will need him for support as well. Good luck. I hope you both make the right choice. eyes
Posted 4/4/2007 2:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there, I'm a new member of this board and I have to say that it has helped me a lot to read about what other people are going through.  My husband moved from the US to Canada to be with me after we dated long distance for 3 1/2 years.  When we were dating long distance, everything was fine, he was motivated, energetic, and most of all, interested in me.  He's been here for a year and a half, and I believe moving up here has caused him to become depressed - he left behind his friends and his job and hasn't found that things are the same here. 

It has taken him the full year and a half to finally see how his depression is destroying our marriage, and to finally take steps to get help.  My question is this - how do I deal with the anger over it taking so long for him to get help? (did that make sense?)  I want to be supportive, I read everything about how it's an illness, not something he would choose - but I'm only human.  I am hurt and sad that this man I wanted to spend my life with has suddenly changed into someone I barely recognize.  And because I've lived with his negative outlook and complete disinterest in me as a woman, I have so much resentment towards him.  I know that my anger only makes things worse, but I can't seem to get past it.  Does anyone have any advice or have you gone through this and can offer some hope?

Posted 4/11/2007 8:34 PM (GMT 0)
It is nice to read about others issues with their spouses. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and He has had depression the whole time, but it was basically controlled. For the last two years it has not been controlled and I am at my wits end. (we cant find the right meds) We have a 19 month old and I am so terrified that it wont be controlled any time soon and he will really pick up on it. I am constantly blamed for why he isnt happy. I do everything. I don't get help with the house, barely with my son. He sleeps constantly. He isnt working. He was supposed to be in school, but couldnt handle it and quick a couple weeks back. He is dragging me down with him. It makes me soo sad, because this is not the man I married. He used to be so sweet, and kind. And now he is a Jerk. I have lost my best friend. And no one understands, no one. I wish it was easier to think it was just an illness. But because it is not physical, It is horrid to deal with the mental reprecussions(sp) of it. If I wanted to marry a jerk, I would have married a jerk, but I chose not to. I will stay through thick and thin, though, thats why I got married. I just am wondering if I a doomed for life. This is it? :(
Posted 4/12/2007 12:49 AM (GMT 0)
Dramamomma
First of all welcome to the board,I am very glad that you found us.
Us, as the depressed seem to take our depression and anxiety/panic attacks out on the ones that we love.
I do not know why we do that. I wish I did because I have ruined alot of relationships due to that.

You need to think about you and your child,and what is right for your family at this point.
If your husband is not getting better,then I suggest couples counseling. If that won't work,then maybe counseling for yourself. At some point you have to be better in order to be able to deal with him.
I am so sorry that you are going through this and I wish I could give you easy answers. But,I know that there are no easy answers to something like this.

Please stay strong and keep us posted.

Shy
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