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Posted 3/14/2007 2:10 AM (GMT 0)
I suffer from eating disorders  and while they're more under control than they used to be, I'm still having problems. I'm always tempted back into old habits such as one 200 calorie meal a day, excessive exercise etc and I'm finding it harder and harder to resist it these days. I've found talking to friends, professionals and doctors doesn't help because part of my mind wants to stay as it is and I feel like I sabotage myself. Like I chicken out and say things are improving and whatever I'm trying at the moment is helping or whatever.

I've always been what people dismiss as a fussy eater because they don't know the extent of the problem, but I really want to eat like a normal person. I see my friends having the most delicious-looking meals but I try new foods and they make me sick with fear. Its so frustrating because I really want to like these things but by the time I've got the courage to even taste them I'm in such a state that I'm physically sick. My old counsellor and I figured out it was partly to do with being force-fed as a child but I've never found a way to overcome it. I feel like some kind of freak because people act like I'm over reacting and they can't understand why something as natural as eating gets me so worked up. They don't get how I can eat the same plain boring foods every single day and they make jokes about it and it makes me feel ashamed of what I eat. I'm scared to eat certain things in front of people because of what they'll say and the jokes they'll make, so quite often I'll go without instead, which puts me in a pretty destructive mindframe where my eating disorders are concerned.

Has anybody else had a similar experience? I've tried things like relaxation techniques, trying to change my thought patterns and just persisting with the same foods, which has worked on rare occasions, but I can't seem help it, food makes me so terrified.

xtx

Posted 3/14/2007 3:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, xtx. Welcome to HealingWell.

I haven't had the experience you've had with food, but there have been times in my life when I have been more on the obsessive/compulsive/hypervigilant side than is health. I also knew some people who, like you, were battling eating disorders. They were all treated as in-patients at a psychiatric hospital, where they received intensive counselling, nutrition counseling, and food intake monitoring. Many overcame their disorder. It took lots of work and baby steps to make progress.

You wrote that you have tried talking to "friends, professionals, and doctors" but you feel that that has not been helpful. My question: Have you sought help from a therapist who specializes in eating disorders? From reading your post, it seems that that is your main issue.

You might also start asking yourself what it is that you gain from this overcontrolling of food. What's in it for you? What's the payoff, and are you ready to go without that payoff? I am starting to ask myself what the payoff is for me in smoking cigarettes, another compulsion of mine, and whether or not I am willing to forego that payoff and what that might mean for me.

Just some thoughts. Hope they help.

zinniagirl
Posted 3/14/2007 12:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi xtx

I am glad that you found us.
Zinnia has given you great advice.

I suffer from anorexia,and have for about 20 years.
I struggle with it everyday. Tempted to go back to my old habits.
Now that I am finally healing from depression I am eating better,but now seeing a weight gain that I am not used to.
So,I freak out when I look in the mirror and decide I am going back to not eating because I think I look gross.
When in reality I look alot better now,I feel better and I need to get off of my lazy bum and exercise.

I agree with Zinna, you need to seek counseling. The only way to beat that disease is to be able to feel better about yourself.

Good Luck!!!

Shy
Posted 3/14/2007 1:30 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the advice guys, made a lot of sense to me. I haven't spoken to a specialist, I suppose because I'm partly in denial about actually having an eating disorder, although for clarity's sake I just describe it as that. I mean I can see that something is obviously very wrong, but I don't think its as serious as an eating disorder. Even writing this I can see how ridiculous that sounds given my behaviours, but I think part of me doesn't feel I deserve the attention, like I'm overexaggerating. I'm pretty torn about that.
When I limit my food intake, I feel better about myself. I used to be overweight but after doing this for a while I'm slightly on the higher end of my normal weight range. I was so unhappy when I was bigger and not eating is a reassurance that I'm not going back there. I also feel more confident and relaxed when I've lost weight. However, when I do limit I still eat familiar, simple foods because of this phobia of trying new foods. Whereas I gain something from restricting, maybe some control, I don't think this is in my control at all. I so want to be able to try a food and think oh my god this is delicious, and if I could make that happen I would, but I can't control that reaction no matter what I try. Maybe its that loss of control that makes me restrict to gain the control back? That thought has only just occured to me, what do you guys think?
Thanks for the advice xxx
Posted 3/15/2007 2:24 AM (GMT 0)
"Maybe it's that loss of control that makes me restrict to gain the control back?"

Yep.

That's a good start, xtx. You are definitely onto something, but I still think you need to get an exact diagnosis and explore this issue in a safe, supportive, and professional environment -- i.e., with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders.

You might be scared about doing that. That's normal. But you owe it to your psyche, your own peace of mind, and to your body to get help. I had to be dragged into therapy and was NOT happy to be there at first, but I was fortunate in that this therapist was gifted and really knew how to treat my depression, and all its sucky thought processes. There is also a good therapist out there for you.

zinniagirl
Posted 3/15/2007 11:03 AM (GMT 0)
Hi xtx, In my experiance with eating disorders and this is personal there usually is an underlaying cause for them to begin with.  In high school I developed an eating disorder as I felt I was over weight and it was also in part to peer pressure as some of the girls whom I hang around with were doing this also.  Once it is started it came become very addictive. 

The fact of the matter is that for most people food is a comfort, it is safe and doesnt reject you (thus the comfort food) and why so many people turn to over eating when depressed.  When you decide to go on a diet to lose weight and restirct your diet to such lengths as 200 cals a day that just insnt healthy.  It sounds like you know this but really dont know how to control after doing it for such a long period of time in fear of gain weight back.  I totally agree that you do need to seek some help for this as it is just going to continue to spin out of control. 

Most important though is dont let anyone no matter who they are shatter your self confidence.  As long as you resolve in your mind to get some help with this and I really hope that you do, then what you eat is not their business (as long as your eating that's good) and no one should be making fun of you for that.  This is very serious and I would hate to hear of you hiding in your home and not eating at all.  Please do keep us updated and know we are always here for you.

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