Sexual abuse & rape

I feel your pain, a similar situation happened to me.  Please do not feel guilty about not telling anyone, you were so young and didn't know what you were supposed to do.  Hang in there, and know you are not alone.

I was three years old when it first happened, and it was my older next door neighbor (about 7yrs old) thought it would be fun to mess around.  what did I know.  This continued till I was about 5 or so.  No one knows of this, I just lived in silence.  It was not till I got older that I realized how much it affected my life, in a negative way.  I carried around a feeling of guilt and shame, but it was not my fault.

As time passed by, the pain of my childhood began to fade.  I finally didn't feel scared and helpless anymore.  But that feeling didn't last long, because something else happened.

To make matters worse, I let a person who I thought was a friend stay with me in 2004, and he raped me.  He stayed with me before, so I thought nothing would happen this time around but I was wrong.

I have been carrying the pain with me since then, and trying to deal with it everyday.  All the pain from my childhood came back intensified, and new ones were created.  Half of the time I wonder how I made it this far, because no matter what I do it hurts soooo much.  I often wonder, if the pain will ever end.

I have barely talked about my childhood expereince, and only briefly mentioned my rape.  It is not that I don't want to heal, but dealing with it has been a horrifying experience.  This is the first time I am telling of my painful and unfortunetly unforgetable experience.  I keep hearing that healing takes time, and the pain will start to fade.  I am still waiting for that day.

I sat here reading all the posts.  You don't know how much all that was said hit home.  I too was molested for the first time at 5 yrs old by a cousin who was 16.  Around 8 yrs old to about 10 or 11 my sister molested me.  At 16 my boyfriend raped me.  I too was silent about all that happened to me.  I was brought up Catholic and sex was not something you could talk to your parents about, plus I went to Catholic school for 6 years and most people know how they view sex.  I also felt dirty and ashamed.  My neighbor when I was 16 and up until now has a habit of putting his hands where they don't belong.  Good thing is he lives in Florida now and I think if he tried it now I would deck him.  I have 3 children.  2 girls and a boy.  A year ago, my youngest daughter was raped by my niece's husband.  That was what brought my past crashing through.  We started family therapy and that was when I told for the first time what had happened.  We had to answer questions about our families and one of the questions she asked was Were you ever sexually assaulted?  I looked at her and I had a decision to make and make it quick.  Do I say yes or do I lie and live with the secrets any longer.  Not once had I ever been asked that question, even during physicals the only question asked is about domestic violence.  My answer to her at that moment was I don't want to go there right now.  She made an appointment for me with her at a later time.  That was when everything came out.  She has helped me tremendously with the sexual abuse.  She, too, had been molested by her brother.  She referred me to a book called Courage to Heal.  It is a tough book and must be taken slowly.  It comes with a workbook and it covers everything.  I suggest that if you seek out this book, make sure you have a support system in place because you will need it to get through.  Being hooked up with a counselor is also recommended. I have been working on the fallout from the sexual abuse for over a year now.  I just had to start with a new therapist, so I'm back to rehashing my past but this time it is not affecting me the same way as it did the first time I talked about it.  I'm not saying that it isn't tough but I have learned how to handle the emotions and know where they are coming from.  So I guess they were right in that it does get easier.  To this day, my mom does not know what happened to me.  The only people that know are my husband, children, therapists, and close friends.  I am not at the point in my healing where I can confront my mother with this.  I do not have to confront her to heal.  I can heal without telling her at all.  It's my decision and mine alone.  It takes a lot of work, but I think it is worth the effort.  The important thing to remember is that we are SURVIVORS.  We have survived the worst, our childhood.  We are STRONGER than we give ourselves credit for.  Sorry this is so long.  Hang in there.

ICan

I was about 7 I think when mine started and it was my step-dad, he was always making fun of me. Touching my breasts even then till finally my mother told him to stop it. He went from that to kissing me, then when I was 17 he tried to make me kiss him with an open mouth, he layed on me on my bed, and held my hands. I turned my head and kept telling him to get off me. He finally did and then left, said dont tell your mom.

Well after this last incident, I did tell a friend who told my MOM. WHAT good did that do, nothing at all. She believed me then went home to talk to him and she changed her story and he said he did it but it was all in FUN and didnt mean a thing.

Guess what, She left me and I was all alone. She is still married to this man to this day. Tell me that doesnt mess with your head either. When I was pregnant I was so scared I would be like her, thank GOD I AM SO NOT. She never said she loved me and never complimented me.

Now I cherish my daughter more than I could ever thought possible and I tell her every day how much I love her and how wonderful, smart and pretty she is and She will always be protected by her mother.

I deal with depression EVERY DAY, some days it beats me down and thank GOD I think of my DD....

Hang in there everyone, it will get better even when I dont think so.