I have about had it.

Maybe someone can tell me whats wrong.

I hate myself. I am a 25, and depressed. I have been going to collage for 5 years, and now I just don't give a crap. I sit at home watch tv and feel empty. I am over weight, dumb(really dyslexic) ugly and a strain on everybody. My friends and family are starting to avoid me. I just don't want to go to school anymore. On top of this, I think I like be miserable. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 10, and coupled with a lot of stress gowning up from moving family breakup etc...I have gotten so used to feel bad that its comfortable. Feeling bad feels good. I have been in only one relationship, and it ended with her cheating on me and since (8 years now) its been easier to just not try. Every time I try to meet people, it goes wrong, I end up hating them, and then in turn hating myself, for it going wrong. I don't go out on Friday or saterday nights I just sit at home and feel bad. I am disengaging from school I just don't give a crap. My friends are one by one avoiding me. I hate them and me for it. I think if I where dead it would be some much easier on everybody. Whats wrong with me?

Hi giedosst

I'm sorry you are feeling so crappy.  I understand how miserable you are and it stinks.  Have you seen a doctor for your depression?  I've been going through this for a few years - not as long as you, and finally seem to be coming out of it, though I'm still having my ups and downs.

I think your friends might be avoiding your because they don't understand what is going on and don't know how to  react to your moods.  For people who haven't been through depression, they just really don't get it - but it's not their fault.  Perhaps if there is one or two of your friends that your trust, you could open up to them and explain that you don't understand why you feel so low, but you would really appreciate their support.

I have been on a combination of meds and seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist over the last 3 years or so.  I've had times where I felt life wasn't worth living - but when I'm feeling OK, I know it definitley is, and that the people in your life would be devestated if you did anything to hurt yourself, or more.  You really need to open up to them so they can understand and help you through this.

Hang in there, and please get some help from your doctor.  If you can, keep going to school, even if you cut down or defer part of your subjects, socialising is really important - the more you isolate yourself, the worse you will feel.  The anger is part of the depression.

Take care and let us know how you are going.

Deb

Dyslexic does not equal dumb. There are some really accomplished individuals who have dyslexia. Like my mom, who put herself and her husband through seminary. And then there's Cher. I also think Tom Cruise might be dyslexic...not for sure on that. Anyway, dyslexia is a challenge, yes, but it does not mean that you are dumb, only that you need to use different information processing strategies.

Just wanted to chime in with that. I think you are very depressed right now, so now is not a good time to be judging yourself -- your looks, your intelligence. It's all gonna look crappy because that's what depression does, the insidious beast.

zinniagirl

Hi there giedosst

Self loathing = guilt feelings that we carry around = depression...but the good news is that yours will soon dissolve as you are taking positive action by reaching out for help..

Well done hope everything goes well on tuesday..keep us posted on your progress.

Maree

Zinniagirl..for me yes..heck I have felt guilty about things that are sooo not my fault or beyond my control and beaten myself up constantly..leading to depression..all things of the past thank goodness.

Maree

Good luck for your appointment. Not all antidepressants give you that feeling so maybe try a different one to last time. Well done for taking the first step in getting well.

Hey everybody...

Thanks again for the support, its great. I went to see someone today. She tol dme I have depression (big surprise). We desided to take it with just tryijg to fix my thought behaiors. I really don't want to be on medication! thanks again for everybody's help, I will keep this posted and let everynbody know how I am doing.